My fish, my iPhone.... my life.

guys, Bert (my fish) has died.

And before you go all, "Oh it's just a fish," or "fish die all the time..get over it," YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I LOVED THAT FISH!!!!!!!!!! I miss him much. I was gonna get him a bigger tank, and a submarine so he could have all sorts of fishy adventures. but now none of that is gonna happen.

and in losing Bert, I realized that yet another piece of my past has disappeared. I've been realizing that more and more lately. That little pieces of who I was as short as two years ago has changed or evolved or vanished altogether. And I didn't realized how desperately I was clinging to them until I lost my iPhone the other day.

I had left it in the foodcourt, and thank God someone was kind enough to turn it in. In all honesty it was gone for less than 24 hours, but.... I realized how badly I wanted to be the person I was when that thing worked as my cell again. How I wanted to make gigantic spirals up and down, to have my old friends back.... to be on that gigantic path towards good that I couldn't see yet. I.... I hate to say I want to go back to being extremely depressed, but I don't really like who I am right now. I'm SCARED of who I am right now. Who I am is changing, and trying to contemplate whether or not to turn her back on everything she's been taught and her family for the sake of her happiness. The person I am becoming has to decide whether or not her family could ever forgive her for kissing a girl, and for WANTING to kiss a girl. The person I'm becoming is changing into someone I didn't even know I could be, and it's scary.

Mama says it's all about growing up. But growing up is hard and scary and life was a lot simpler when I was depressed. I lacked motivation for anything besides cutting and hiding it all. I'm not saying I want to go back there, but I am also not sure about going forward. This is probably so confusing and it's dumb that a little dead fish could bring all of this on, but...... I just needed to put all of this out there for once. I don't care where you stand on anything I've mentioned, this is my blog, and my safe place. And that is something I would never have had the guts to say three years ago. I couldn't stand up for myself before, but now I sort of can. Maybe I am making more progress with my life than I realize.

Sincerely,

-Katie

Happy 2015!

I usually recap on new years eve.

But this year.... I didn't feel like doing that. Also: This blog is about to turn three years old. And a lot has happened in three years.

We've gone from this blog being a story of life with my brother, to being a story about me. And from there it's been a wild, crazy, life changing kind of journey. This past year, I did a lot, but I also didn't really do much of anything. I just.... opened myself up to more of life. asked myself different questions, and I still don't have all the answers. But I'm not giving up.

I also learned what it's like to date a boy, and that I don't really like it (Though my options were limited and I didn't make the best choices with him). I figured out how to stand up for myself, and take a stand against someone who's trying to hurt or belittle me. I learned how to ask for what I want or need. I made steps towards independence. And I hope to make more this year. My new year's resolutions?

1: EXERCISE MORE. And by that, I mean walk on a treadmill at least twice a week. I've rebuilt my relationship with food, and I feel ready to try and rebuild my relationship with exercise. :)

2: FIGURE OUT WHO I WANT. Whether I want a girl, or a boy, or both, or none. And maybe I won't figure it out this year. Or next. But I want to try at least.

3: GET INDEPENDENT. Whether that means I just start college or move out on my own. I want to be an adult. And more importantly, I DO NOT WANT TO MOVE TO THE COUNTRY.

So yeah, here's to a new year, and a new set of goals, challenges, problems, adventures, and dreams.

Sincerely,
-Katie