Ways anxiety has ruined my life! *TRIGGER WARNING!

TRIGGER WARNING FOR: Anxiety. Not graphic, but if you are easily upset, please take care of yourself and your triggers. :)

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It is once again one in the morning and I am not asleep. ENGAGE INSOMNIA BLOG-MODE! 

......fml. Maybe it's the change in the weather. Fall may or may not be upon us here in the south. I, for one, would greatly appreciate it, seeing as it's ALMOST OCTOBER (!!!!!!). But that's not why I'm here to talk about tonight. I'm here to explain all the idiotic things I am unable to do because of my fucking anxiety. LET US BEGIN!

1. I cannot talk to people in normal situations. Like when someone says thanks for holding the door open, I can't talk. I just smile like an idiot. Or when someone says something nice to me. Or especially at work, when it's early and I'm still like, cringing over stupid shit I did the last time I was here or something stupid I think I said. Which brings me to our second point...

2. I overanalyze EVERY. FUCKING. THING. Like if I say something and someone doesn't respond, I think I'm a horrible fuck up and they will hate me forever. I see something that reminds me of a questionable thing I did in the past, and suddenly I am overhwelmed with why I have no life and I am a royal fuck-up.

3. I LOSE SLEEP WHEN I HAVE A BUSY DAY THE NEXT DAY. Like oh my God, this is why I have such bad insomnia. Like I can literally pack and over-prepare and do everything possible to make sure things don't go wrong, but I will still, inevitably, lay in bed and panic about everything I will have to do in the morning.

4. I. CAN'T. MAKE. PHONECALLS. Oh my God this is so fucking annoying. If I need to call in a presciption, I can't do it. I have to ask my mom to do it. Work? If I couldn't text my boss I don't think she would probably hear from me nearly as often. Oh, and let's not forget my Significant Other! Actually I take that back. I'm a lot better about calling/skyping them. But it still stresses me out and nine times out of ten they have to call/skype me. And finally, the biggest and most annoying roadblock I have because of my motherfucking anxiety....

5. I don't drive. Like, I have physical proof on this blog of how bad that car accident fucked up my psyche (Check this post if you have no idea what the hell I am talking about.). But ever since then I have been too paralyzed by fear to even THINK about driving. I actually had no other choice BUT to drive my mom home one night not too long ago (she recently had shoulder surgery and I was at work and no one else could come get me), and I was honestly so paranoid and terrified all at once. Like this is the whole reason I am still stuck living at home! UGH!

So yes, I have made a lot of progress. I am no longer having panic attacks over due dates and paralyzed with fear of imminent death because of terrorists and extremists (for the most part). However stupid shit like this is really fucking annoying because it gets in the way of EVERYTHING. And it is now almost two in the morning and I have to be up at seven thirty to get ready for work. Yay me! Not.

Until next time: I love you and you are good enough.

-Katie

Future stuffs

Thinking I might post once a week just to dump my frustrations. *Shrugs*

Anyways, for some odd reason the last post sparked a HUUUUUGE spike in traffic. Like 400+ views spike. So uh, thanks for that guys. Anyways the reason I am here today is to bitch about how I'm pretty sure I'm fucking up my whole future by not having any extra-curriculars.

Now here me out on this! I've read and heard bits and pieces. Apparently a lot of jobs look at not just your GPA (and mine is stellar. I'm on the honor's list). They want extra cirriculars. They think a 4.0 means you have no people skills. And then there's the whole thing of "work experience." Ugh. Like it's hard enough trying to work to PAY for the things I need for school. And then, with work I have the added stress of "this could be homework time." And my job provides plenty of people skills!

......I think I'm fucking up my own arguement. Oh well. I'm just super stressed about it because I'm worried I'm doing everything all wrong. Though I'm almost twenty-one and most of the people in my classes are little baby eighteen-year-olds, and like half of them don't even want to be there. Well at least in math and music. Like this one dude. He shows up like, once every two weeks, and then he usually leaves before class is over. He's loud, he's obnoxious, and really, really, irritating. Like you can sooooo tell he doesn't want to be there! Like dude, you're PAYING for this torture. You had to willingly enroll and pay LOTS OF MONEY for this brand of torture. And music class is EASY. Well, mostly easy. I just sit and listen to my teacher geek out for an hour, I write a few things and listen to weird music (aka things from the early to mid twentieth century). It's EASY.

Compared to English, I almost relish music class. It's an hour I can plan and let my mind wander. Or throb. Like it did today. Yeah.... math gives me a headache. Anyways it is once again almost midnight and I am too anxious to sleep. Like that's another thing guys. My anxiety has taken over my life again. Though I'm doing most of this to myself.

Like.... I don't even know how to explain it. It's like I have to overthink and plan and I'm constantly thinking anything and everything could fall apart and I have to be prepared. Like it's fucking IRRITATING. Ugh. this turned into a poorly-written rant, much like my English paper. Well....

Until next time. I love you and you're good enough.
-Katie

Returning Temporarily?

Well it's been a hot minute.

Hi guys. Life kind of turned upside down for a while and it was really good that I took a break from posting on here. Now I feel like I can (maybe!) be the person, blogger, and writer this place deserves. Maybe. If people can just get over themselves and their prejudices. But we all know how that usually ends up....

Anyways I'm not here to whine and bitch about personal viewpoints on certain issues. I know that if you are set in your ways then there is not much I can do to change your mind. I can, however, give you an incredible challenge in what you assume a person to be, and how I am. Doesn't add up, does it? Stereotypes are incredibly inaccurate, in case you didn't know.

.....See, this is what fucking insomnia does. It turns me into a half-advocate with a huge mouth and nothing to back it up with. This also wasn't meant to be a rant about me and my life and the choices I make. This was meant to be me updating you on my life and how nutzy-coo-coo it's been. Both good, bad, and in-between.

First off, I passed both of my summer classes with an A and a B. I got the B in the math class I retook. Um, yeah, crazy. Also, just school in general has happened. Like oh my God, I am there four days a week, and how I get anything done on top of that and work is beyond me. I seriously am amazed at how much I am able to do and my ability to keep my schedule straight.

And I also got a half-promotion at work. I can't give you my exact details, but basically I'm in between sales-associate and manager. If that makes any sense. So now I work five days a week, make slightly more solely on hours, and I am due for a raise soon. Also I've managed to stay at this job for over a year, despite half of the stores in the mall closing down. I'm waiting for the day I go in and my boss tells me the entire mall is shutting down and I need to find a new job. Um, no. I LIKE where I am. There's very little politics, it's so slow I can usually clean and task to my hearts content, and above all, the hardest part of my job is the language barrier. Like seriously, that's the hardest part. Maybe that comes with my four years of experience in customer service and three in retail. But I just.... I'm really happy with where I'm at in my job right now.

Oh, yeah, and I'm in a serious relationship. It's been going on for almost a year now. The other person is amazing. And we pretty much tear every expectation and assumption to shreds. We are our own kind of wonderful and we make it work for US, not for anyone else. My mom isn't really on board with my relationship. I hate to say this, but I could care less. This person makes me VERY happy and I honestly can't picture my life without them.

But with every bit of good comes some bad. I still can't make phone calls, I still can't drive, I still have about no friends (sort of), and ehm, well, insomnia man. It's tearing up my LIFE. Like seriously, it's currently one in the morning and I'm barely tired. And this is the third time in two weeks this has happened. The second time this week. I think part of this is just general anxiety, and then part of it is my OCD. And I do not mean that in the microagression stereotype way. I mean this in the clinical, oh my God if the dishes are not in the cabinet a certain way I will literally have a panic attack. I've also got a serious problem with germs. Like more than a normal person. Like I use hand sanitizer RELIGIOUSLY, and I can't use public sinks because I'm scared of all the germs. I won't use my hands or chew my nails if I don't feel like they're clean or if they've touched certain things. And don't even get me STARTED on food. Good God I could write a book about my issues with food. Heh, maybe that's a topic to be explored here?

Anyways, that's kind of my life in a nutshell. Also I forgot my phone at work tonight and that's stressing me out too. I'm gonna go try and sleep, but let me know if you guys care to see me post anymore on here, okay?

And in case you didn't hear it today: I love you and you are totally good enough.

Sincerely,
-Katie