2017! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

Let me just point out that IT'S OFFICIALLY 2017.

Like whaaaaat the fuuuck?!?! When did this happen? WHY did it happen?!?! WHAT HAPPENS NOW????? Welp, over here, a LOT is going to happen. And not all of it is gonna be good, or easy, but in the end I think it will be worth it.

So for starters, I'M GETTING HONORS STATUS BACK. I literally lost it by 1 point on my GPA. ONE POINT!!!!! I just have to ACE all my classes this semester. And everything except math should be a piece of cake. Like, I WOULD have made it if I had just spent more time studying for my government tests (Said every student ever). So LETS GET THE BALL ROLLING.

Also, I'm gonna make more of an effort to be fit, and work out. Because before my health went to shit (along with the rest of my life), I really was working out and making an effort to take good care of my body. And it showed I think. So yeah, fitness is a thing I never thought I would put as a resolution, but... Here I am doing it.

Then there is MORE that I want to do this year, but for the safety of me and the people involved, let's NOT go over them, okay? Okay. Just know I am an adult and can take care of myself.

Guess that's about it. OH! And more fanfic, because everyone needs more fanfic. That's about all I've got! See you guys soon!

Sincerely,
-Katie

On adulthood.

So I've been twenty-one for about five days now (Give or take, depending on when you read this). But... nothing feels different?

I mean I've been over this before (Probably), but.... Well things are simultaneously vastly different yet completely the same. Aside from a few new privileges the law just gave me (drinking, the ability to buy sharpies and spray paint...), I'm just... still the same person I was before.

Except. Remember when this was a thing? Well, it's a thing again. Only my schedule is just too rigid and now this THING (that is still baffling EVERYONE) is turning what was once a perfectly synchronized machine into a frantic conveyor belt of mess.

I've missed work and I am missing Math class tomorrow. I NEVER miss work or class. I can't work out. I'm exhuasted and constantly sleepy. Like I slept until one this afternoon and I almost didn't go to class. My mom had to WALK ME to class today I was so dizzy. What is my life becoming? I'm not sure.

I just wish someone could tell me WTF IS WRONG WITH ME. Literally no one can figure it out and it's REALLY IRRITATING! Ugh. But on the plus side I have gotten out of work and math. But missing work means less money and my hours are already getting cut. :(

So yeah. Adult things. I really don't know what the point of this was other than a general life update but whatever. My advice is this: Take adulthood like Colossus takes hero-ing: Two or three moments. Probably a lot more than that. But for me, that's about all I can handle a day. I recognize now though that I do more than that on a daily basis. I work a job (adulting). I go to college (MAJOR adulting). I watch Youtube videos with swearing (My mom's idea of adulting). I am a gay woman in a monogamous relationship (VERY adulting). I suck at people though. Except lately I just haven't had ENERGY for people and all the BS that is required of it. Like pretending to care about customers and put up with their hellians- I mean children. Again, examples of adulthood. I much prefer wrangling them myself in a classroom environment. .....That came out wrong.

ANYWAYS! I have to work tomorrow and I think I am about out of sense-making things to say. In case you haven't heard it today: I love you and you're good enough.

Sincerely,
-Katie

Ways anxiety has ruined my life! *TRIGGER WARNING!

TRIGGER WARNING FOR: Anxiety. Not graphic, but if you are easily upset, please take care of yourself and your triggers. :)

____________________________________

It is once again one in the morning and I am not asleep. ENGAGE INSOMNIA BLOG-MODE! 

......fml. Maybe it's the change in the weather. Fall may or may not be upon us here in the south. I, for one, would greatly appreciate it, seeing as it's ALMOST OCTOBER (!!!!!!). But that's not why I'm here to talk about tonight. I'm here to explain all the idiotic things I am unable to do because of my fucking anxiety. LET US BEGIN!

1. I cannot talk to people in normal situations. Like when someone says thanks for holding the door open, I can't talk. I just smile like an idiot. Or when someone says something nice to me. Or especially at work, when it's early and I'm still like, cringing over stupid shit I did the last time I was here or something stupid I think I said. Which brings me to our second point...

2. I overanalyze EVERY. FUCKING. THING. Like if I say something and someone doesn't respond, I think I'm a horrible fuck up and they will hate me forever. I see something that reminds me of a questionable thing I did in the past, and suddenly I am overhwelmed with why I have no life and I am a royal fuck-up.

3. I LOSE SLEEP WHEN I HAVE A BUSY DAY THE NEXT DAY. Like oh my God, this is why I have such bad insomnia. Like I can literally pack and over-prepare and do everything possible to make sure things don't go wrong, but I will still, inevitably, lay in bed and panic about everything I will have to do in the morning.

4. I. CAN'T. MAKE. PHONECALLS. Oh my God this is so fucking annoying. If I need to call in a presciption, I can't do it. I have to ask my mom to do it. Work? If I couldn't text my boss I don't think she would probably hear from me nearly as often. Oh, and let's not forget my Significant Other! Actually I take that back. I'm a lot better about calling/skyping them. But it still stresses me out and nine times out of ten they have to call/skype me. And finally, the biggest and most annoying roadblock I have because of my motherfucking anxiety....

5. I don't drive. Like, I have physical proof on this blog of how bad that car accident fucked up my psyche (Check this post if you have no idea what the hell I am talking about.). But ever since then I have been too paralyzed by fear to even THINK about driving. I actually had no other choice BUT to drive my mom home one night not too long ago (she recently had shoulder surgery and I was at work and no one else could come get me), and I was honestly so paranoid and terrified all at once. Like this is the whole reason I am still stuck living at home! UGH!

So yes, I have made a lot of progress. I am no longer having panic attacks over due dates and paralyzed with fear of imminent death because of terrorists and extremists (for the most part). However stupid shit like this is really fucking annoying because it gets in the way of EVERYTHING. And it is now almost two in the morning and I have to be up at seven thirty to get ready for work. Yay me! Not.

Until next time: I love you and you are good enough.

-Katie

Future stuffs

Thinking I might post once a week just to dump my frustrations. *Shrugs*

Anyways, for some odd reason the last post sparked a HUUUUUGE spike in traffic. Like 400+ views spike. So uh, thanks for that guys. Anyways the reason I am here today is to bitch about how I'm pretty sure I'm fucking up my whole future by not having any extra-curriculars.

Now here me out on this! I've read and heard bits and pieces. Apparently a lot of jobs look at not just your GPA (and mine is stellar. I'm on the honor's list). They want extra cirriculars. They think a 4.0 means you have no people skills. And then there's the whole thing of "work experience." Ugh. Like it's hard enough trying to work to PAY for the things I need for school. And then, with work I have the added stress of "this could be homework time." And my job provides plenty of people skills!

......I think I'm fucking up my own arguement. Oh well. I'm just super stressed about it because I'm worried I'm doing everything all wrong. Though I'm almost twenty-one and most of the people in my classes are little baby eighteen-year-olds, and like half of them don't even want to be there. Well at least in math and music. Like this one dude. He shows up like, once every two weeks, and then he usually leaves before class is over. He's loud, he's obnoxious, and really, really, irritating. Like you can sooooo tell he doesn't want to be there! Like dude, you're PAYING for this torture. You had to willingly enroll and pay LOTS OF MONEY for this brand of torture. And music class is EASY. Well, mostly easy. I just sit and listen to my teacher geek out for an hour, I write a few things and listen to weird music (aka things from the early to mid twentieth century). It's EASY.

Compared to English, I almost relish music class. It's an hour I can plan and let my mind wander. Or throb. Like it did today. Yeah.... math gives me a headache. Anyways it is once again almost midnight and I am too anxious to sleep. Like that's another thing guys. My anxiety has taken over my life again. Though I'm doing most of this to myself.

Like.... I don't even know how to explain it. It's like I have to overthink and plan and I'm constantly thinking anything and everything could fall apart and I have to be prepared. Like it's fucking IRRITATING. Ugh. this turned into a poorly-written rant, much like my English paper. Well....

Until next time. I love you and you're good enough.
-Katie

Returning Temporarily?

Well it's been a hot minute.

Hi guys. Life kind of turned upside down for a while and it was really good that I took a break from posting on here. Now I feel like I can (maybe!) be the person, blogger, and writer this place deserves. Maybe. If people can just get over themselves and their prejudices. But we all know how that usually ends up....

Anyways I'm not here to whine and bitch about personal viewpoints on certain issues. I know that if you are set in your ways then there is not much I can do to change your mind. I can, however, give you an incredible challenge in what you assume a person to be, and how I am. Doesn't add up, does it? Stereotypes are incredibly inaccurate, in case you didn't know.

.....See, this is what fucking insomnia does. It turns me into a half-advocate with a huge mouth and nothing to back it up with. This also wasn't meant to be a rant about me and my life and the choices I make. This was meant to be me updating you on my life and how nutzy-coo-coo it's been. Both good, bad, and in-between.

First off, I passed both of my summer classes with an A and a B. I got the B in the math class I retook. Um, yeah, crazy. Also, just school in general has happened. Like oh my God, I am there four days a week, and how I get anything done on top of that and work is beyond me. I seriously am amazed at how much I am able to do and my ability to keep my schedule straight.

And I also got a half-promotion at work. I can't give you my exact details, but basically I'm in between sales-associate and manager. If that makes any sense. So now I work five days a week, make slightly more solely on hours, and I am due for a raise soon. Also I've managed to stay at this job for over a year, despite half of the stores in the mall closing down. I'm waiting for the day I go in and my boss tells me the entire mall is shutting down and I need to find a new job. Um, no. I LIKE where I am. There's very little politics, it's so slow I can usually clean and task to my hearts content, and above all, the hardest part of my job is the language barrier. Like seriously, that's the hardest part. Maybe that comes with my four years of experience in customer service and three in retail. But I just.... I'm really happy with where I'm at in my job right now.

Oh, yeah, and I'm in a serious relationship. It's been going on for almost a year now. The other person is amazing. And we pretty much tear every expectation and assumption to shreds. We are our own kind of wonderful and we make it work for US, not for anyone else. My mom isn't really on board with my relationship. I hate to say this, but I could care less. This person makes me VERY happy and I honestly can't picture my life without them.

But with every bit of good comes some bad. I still can't make phone calls, I still can't drive, I still have about no friends (sort of), and ehm, well, insomnia man. It's tearing up my LIFE. Like seriously, it's currently one in the morning and I'm barely tired. And this is the third time in two weeks this has happened. The second time this week. I think part of this is just general anxiety, and then part of it is my OCD. And I do not mean that in the microagression stereotype way. I mean this in the clinical, oh my God if the dishes are not in the cabinet a certain way I will literally have a panic attack. I've also got a serious problem with germs. Like more than a normal person. Like I use hand sanitizer RELIGIOUSLY, and I can't use public sinks because I'm scared of all the germs. I won't use my hands or chew my nails if I don't feel like they're clean or if they've touched certain things. And don't even get me STARTED on food. Good God I could write a book about my issues with food. Heh, maybe that's a topic to be explored here?

Anyways, that's kind of my life in a nutshell. Also I forgot my phone at work tonight and that's stressing me out too. I'm gonna go try and sleep, but let me know if you guys care to see me post anymore on here, okay?

And in case you didn't hear it today: I love you and you are totally good enough.

Sincerely,
-Katie

A good...bye?

Okay before you freak out let me explain.

This was, at one point, where I was free to express myself, for the most part, anonymously. I had a few people read it that knew me irl, but nothing like I do now. And I CHERISHED that anonymity. Hell, I NEEDED it for a while. This blog was my safe place, the one place I could really let it all out and just be who I really was. But now?

......There is a lot going on irl that a lot of the people who probably read this blog would hate me for. I'm not saying it's necessarily you, but I think those people know who they are. And I think they may know why too. But the long and the short of it is this: this was to be a place where I didn't have to filter myself too much, or speak in code all the time. And every time I try to go back to writing like that I get such SHIT for it. Not only in numbers but in real life too.

So what I am doing is this: I'm taking a break. Idk how long or how permanent, but for at least the rest of the summer. I have school for the next two months for four days a week on top of it all, and I run a vlog channel too (which you can check out here). If you really wanna keep up with me, your best bet is either there or on tumblr, which you can easily find if you really know me well enough. I'm not linking to that. No, my Tumblr is one of the last few places I have left where I really don't have to hide myself. I can be whoever I want there. And I am.

I'm not getting rid of this thing. It was a big part of my life once and it's the only way I can remember certain pieces of time in my head. But as of right now, I'm just not feeling the vibes here anymore, okay? thanks for being understanding in advance.

Sincerely,
-Katie

F--- the haters.

People really need to just get the fuck over it.

What I write, share, and indulge in is MY business, and MINE alone. It has absolutely ZERO effect on you and your life! And my numbers are GOOD. There not anything like some of the other fanfic writers out there, but they're enough to boost my confidence and make me feel good. And more importantly, they prove you are WRONG. They prove that I'm not a gross pervert. They prove that this isn't HARMFUL, and that I'm not the only one out there that's into this stuff. So go ahead and make your snide comments and tear me down. You want me to come to you and then you try and fuck with my head. Well guess what? The reason I don't tell you jack shit anymore is exactly because of that. So fuck you and your opinions.

* * * *

I know this is strange and random but my parents are really REALLY pissing me off with their lack of support and understanding. Especially my dad. They're not gonna stop me. They're not gonna change me. This has been a part of who I am since I was little. They can just get the fuck over themselves and they know where the hell they can shove their opinions. I would not have as many comments, kudos, and plain old VIEWS if this wasn't halfway decent. And you know what? I really REALLY don't care anymore. I'm done pretending. I'm gonna be me and that's the absolute end of it.

Sincerely,
Katie