coverin my booty.

Just so you are not all freaking out......

Well, I doubt anyone has read my last two posts. But if you did..... I'm alright. I'm in a somewhat better place *knocks on wood* mentally, and I think I was just worn out.

And now my hand burns, so goodnight. :)
-Katie

No one cares.

And don't try to tell me that they do because they don't.

If my dad cared he would be down here watching a movie with me instead of upstairs playing with my brother. He even said he wanted to play that damn video game instead of watch a movie with me. And if my mom cared she would have been happier to see me.

No one cares. Well, maybe you do. but I doubt it. I honestly don't see the point in trying to fight these emotions any more. No cares. No one ever cared. If my parents cared they would have chosen me over religion. If they cared they wouldn't be holding the ever looming threat of therapy over my head. If they cared they would be waiting for me when I get off of work instead of making me wait thirty minutes to an hour after I get off. NO ONE IN MY LIFE CARES ABOUT ME.

I'll be back later, I'm gonna go cry.
-Katie

I just effing can't anymore.

I just can't pretend my world is all rainbows and unicorns anymore alright?

First tho, pull up this video and listen to it while you read this blog. DO NOT STOP LISTENING. EVEN IF THE VIDEO STOPS START IT AGAIN: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpcGpvuw2Bo

I just effing can't anymore. I can't take this any more. I am cutting again. And it just takes the pain away from what's really going on. And let's just stop and think for a minute here before you go down and leave a comment saying that I am an attention whore or something. I've been nice and vague, but I have told you that my parents and I are making war declarations with each other. Doesn't my sudden need to hurt myself again say something about how bad it really is and how deep it is? HMMM???????

I can't even go through one effing meal without them making out a comment. And sometimes it isn't the big obvious ones that cut the deepest; Sometimes it's the little ones that leave the biggest scars. Example: I am sexually different. NO I AM NOT GAY. I simply have a fetish. And everyone tells me that it is normal and healthy. But my mom has so many religious prejudices it sickens me. AND ALMOST ALL OF THEM ARE WRONG!!!! The people who she is biased against are really nice people who just made mistakes!!!!! But she sees them as the scum of the earth.

...........Wait, I am getting off topic. Basically my mom and dad were talking the other night at dinner and they said something about me needing a second flashdrive because "she didn't want any of my stories to accidentally end up being sent to my school grading people." That EFFING HURTS MOM. She thinks I'm a slut. I swear she does.

Anyways, back to the other rant. I'm realizing my mom was wrong about a lot of things. And that she's wrong about me and my differences too. She's being as judging as her mom. I SWEAR I WILL KILL MYSELF IF I AM EVER AS JUDGING AND BIASED AS HER WITH MY OWN KIDS.

A GOOD CRY AND TEN MINUTES LATER...........

I'm not going to kill myself. I just........... It hurts that my mom thinks of all these really nice people as the scum of the earth. And that she is choosing her religion over accepting her own daughter. Oh god here come the tears again. I mean me and my mom..... we were so close at one point. But ever since I came out to her she has done nothing but judge and reject me. That brings me back to cutting. I am hurting myself again. I have a special little bag that I keep my staple puller in and some band-aids. I haven't used it since last Thursday. But I did again tonight. But I am just DONE.

It's taken me seventeen years to figure out that my mom is wrong. I have been so blinded by what she has said. It took a sweet, lovely pregnant woman who was starting the early stages of labor to make me realize how wrong and judgemental and biased and horrible my mom is. Thank you Mayra. I owe you my life. You may never read this, but you should know how big of an impact you have made in my life.

I have a to-do list and a plan for my future, and the very second I can I'm OUT of this hell hole. It's only one more year and a car away. I have a job. I have some assemblance of a plan. And this blog may very well be a part of it. Or I may just start a different one. I don't know why I did all of this. But it just......... It felt like it was time for it all to come out of me. Thank you for listening. And I'm sorry if I have sucked the life out of you. But this has been inside of me for months and it just had to come out sometime.

-Katie

MY BROTHER WILL NOT GO TO SLEEP!!!!!!!!

AND I CAN'T GO WATCH THE HUNGER GAMES UNTIL HE DOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-_____________________- Okay long story short my OTHER brother is back in the hospital. You would THINK I wouldn't be so freaked out since this has happened like, what? 11 times? Idk. But each time I still get freaked out!!!!!

And this time I have a whole NEW set of worries that I have to deal with as well, because apparently his button isn't working because my blessing won't do his damn flushes!!!!!!! -________- And suddenly we both have a craving for corn nuts?!?!?!?! O.o GO TO SLEEP CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry. :P So anyways, emotionally overwhelmed does not a happy worker make. Although it does make one very embarrassed when she has to keep hiding in the bathroom to pull herself together in front of the hot server so she just looks like she has to pee five times in one hour.......... -________- I FORKING HATE THAT THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. So anyways...............

GO TO SLEEP PATRICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Almost there. ALMOSSSTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone help me.

-Katy the very annoyed blogmaster who is about to lose her freakin mind if her brother does not go to sleep in the next five seconds......

OMOZDFNGLK;XFDNHLMX;DGNHLKVC

GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay so yesterday I was watching a BTR ustream, and towards the end, THE DID THE MACARENA FOR ME CUZ THEY THOUGHT IT WAS MA BIRFDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:DD:D

Okay that was the really hyper version. BUT YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is all one hundred percent true!!!! Don't believe me? Click on this video and watch it all the way through OR just skip to about 21 minutes. I don't care either way. Video: http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/24888908

And um.................. Yeah. Afterwards my twitter was suddenly VERRRRRY popular (And for those of you not already following me, I'm @Cupcakerusher16 :) So.......... Yeah. BEST DAY EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D I CANNOT THANK BIG TIME RUSH ENOUGH FOR THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! It literally means the world to me. Even if they never read this, someone obviously read my tweet, otherwise the macarena would not have happened. So THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!! :D

And then we went out to dinner last night. We went to On The Border. It was fun. :) And then we came home and I found the video and showed it to my grandfather, WHO PRETENDED NOT TO CARE. -____- Oh well, I think he at least got that it was a big deal to me. I think..... And then I showed it to my parents. My dad was seriously impressed that I asked them to do it and the person read my tweet and asked them to do it for me. AND that JAMES FREAKIN MASLOW wished me a happy birthday. :D THIS IS TWICE NOW HE HAS NOTICED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D Yeah, Not much to share other than that, BUT I HAD TO TELL Y'ALL CUZ YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME AND STUFF!!!!!!!!! :)

And now I am going to go get ready for the day. BAI! :P
-Katy the totally spazzing out because that really did happen blogmaster

Been thinkin....

Scary thought.

But..... I can't stay away from this blog. It's the only creative outlet I have left that has been TOO censored.....

A lot is going on in my life right now. School is starting, my brother needs oral surgery, My mom's health isn't that great, we are still living with my grandparents....... And a lot of other things I can't even begin to mention. I'm relapsing in certain areas of my life and some days it takes all the strength I have to get out of bed, because I never know if today is going to be a good day, or a day I wish I had just stayed in my room all day.

But more to the point...... I have to make some really hard plans now. Things...... are complicated between me and my parents right now, and while things are seemingly fine at the moment, I don't trust it to last. That's sad isn't it? I can't even trust my parents any more. They're supposed to be the two people you can trust no matter what, and yet I don't have that. But what I do have is something called Big Time Rush disease.

I am a rusher, and sometimes that's the only thing that holds me together. I know it seems stupid to rely on four boys who sing and dance, but they're more than that to me. They sing me to sleep, they sing my pain away...... And I'm not the only one. That's what Rushers do: We fangirl about how much BTR has changed our lives and helped us through some hard times. And I'm really learning that right now. That, and a lot of other things.

So I'll try and post, but it probably won''t be super happy for a while. I just need a place where I can be open and not be judged, because as it stands right now I don't even have that. So....

Sorry for getting all emotional, just really needed to do that okay?

-Katy the surprisingly emotional blogmaster

The end or just a cliff hanger?

I'm not so sure I can keep up with this blog right now.

I know it has grown so much and I love every single person who reads/has read/will read this blog, but........ A lot is going on right now and I just need to deal with it without getting yelled at by my parents for complaining to the whole world about it all. So...... I'm going on a blog break until I can figure my whole life situation out right now.

Oh God, this song is going to make me cry. And now the heart ache....

Excuse me while I become an emotional mess.

Love until next time,
-Katy

I don't like where this is headed....

I just.....

I can't take this anymore. I am hurting SO MUCH. I feel like my parents think I'm a slut because I am just a little different. Why do I have to have THEIR version of sexuality? Why do I have to be what THEY want me to be? Why can't I be my own version of myself?

I just..... It hurts that they won't accept me like this. They want to change me, turn me into someone I'm not. I didn't CHOOSE to be this way! It just chose me! And I've tried to change! I HAVE! But I just can't. That's part of my self esteem issues are. That my parents think something is wrong with me for being this way. That's why I cut last year. It's why I tried to be anorexic. There were a lot of things that caused that, but my sexuality was one of them. And I'm back at that point.

I feel like I have no one to turn to, like no one gets it, that if I tell them that they'll shun me too. I just need SOMEONE, ANYONE to help me. Tell me that this DOES get better. Maybe that's the reason behind the sudden infatuation with Big Time Rush. Maybe it's the music that's keeping me from going off the deep end and trying to kill myself. Why I'm still holding on. Maybe just by my fingernails, but I'm hanging.

I also had a dream this morning that my Girl Scout leader found out. That she knew. And that she was going to tell my mom. and that I was in big trouble. I just........ I had to get my feelings out. I don't even know if this is why they're at church talking to the priest, but I'm scared to death that it is.

-Katy the blogmaster

WHY AUGUST 15TH IS LIKE THE BEST DAY EVAR!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D

Yeah, I'm gonna fangirl.

:P DEAL WITH IT OKAY!!!!!!! Sorry, I had some coffee and now I'm just teensy bit super hyper. X3 Anyways, Today....... CARLOS PENA FROM BIG TIME RUSH TURNS 23, JOE JONAS TURNS 23, AND IT IS ALSO MR. AND MRS. JONAS' WEDDING ANNIVERSARY AND THE FEAST OF THE ASSUMPTION OF THE BLESSED VIRGIN MARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :O I know, that is a LOT of awesome sauce to be poured on one day. :L

OH!!!!!!!!! I FOUND MY BTR NECKLACE LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D I lost it the night of the concert in Dallas, and I was like so sad, but I knew it was in the car, and so we were cleaning up the car yesterday and I FOUND IT!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D I have it on right now and I will post pictures of it later, but I AM NEVER EVER EVER TAKING THIS THING OF EVAR!!!!!!!! :P 

And another thing: GO LISTEN TO TAYLOR SWIFT'S NEW SONG "WE ARE NEVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER" OKAY????????? It is soooo awesome, and I have my guesses as to who it might be about. But they are all probably wrong, but who cares? :P

And we are going to have to fangirl again in five days, because....... DEMI LOVATO'S BIRTHDAY IS IN FIVE DAYS!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D ALSO..........

Wear purple and show your rusher pride, okay? :)

-Katy the hyperspastic blogmaster! :L

-___-

I am sorry for the lack of posts lately.

I just......... simply lack anything worth writing about. And I know any writer would say, "Anything is worth writing about!" But my life has grown way to complexicated lately and I don't really feel like posting all about it on the internet, alright?

Not to mention a lot of perverts would start stalking me and my mom would take away my blog........ Anyways, my life just sucks. I can't do anything right, and about the only thing keeping me from completely losing my mind anymore is twitter, and that is SO PATHETIC. I am so pathetic. I can't do anything right anymore. And another thing? I FLIPPIN HATE SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES.

Well......... only when my mom is on them and connects with me. Because then I can't really speak my mind and all that jazz. So yeah.................

I know this blog is depressing. Just deal with it alright?
-Katy the very depressed blogmaster

I'm so weird. :L

There is a guy at the front desk of the rec center I am at that looks almost EXACTLY like Logan from Big Time rush.

And after I told himi caught him googling who it was. I think he was embarrassed. xD I calls em as I sees em. :P

Just had to share that. ;D
-Katy the blogmaster