I just can't pretend my world is all rainbows and unicorns anymore alright?
First tho, pull up this video and listen to it while you read this blog. DO NOT STOP LISTENING. EVEN IF THE VIDEO STOPS START IT AGAIN: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpcGpvuw2Bo
I just effing can't anymore. I can't take this any more. I am cutting again. And it just takes the pain away from what's really going on. And let's just stop and think for a minute here before you go down and leave a comment saying that I am an attention whore or something. I've been nice and vague, but I have told you that my parents and I are making war declarations with each other. Doesn't my sudden need to hurt myself again say something about how bad it really is and how deep it is? HMMM???????
I can't even go through one effing meal without them making out a comment. And sometimes it isn't the big obvious ones that cut the deepest; Sometimes it's the little ones that leave the biggest scars. Example: I am sexually different. NO I AM NOT GAY. I simply have a fetish. And everyone tells me that it is normal and healthy. But my mom has so many religious prejudices it sickens me. AND ALMOST ALL OF THEM ARE WRONG!!!! The people who she is biased against are really nice people who just made mistakes!!!!! But she sees them as the scum of the earth.
...........Wait, I am getting off topic. Basically my mom and dad were talking the other night at dinner and they said something about me needing a second flashdrive because "she didn't want any of my stories to accidentally end up being sent to my school grading people." That EFFING HURTS MOM. She thinks I'm a slut. I swear she does.
Anyways, back to the other rant. I'm realizing my mom was wrong about a lot of things. And that she's wrong about me and my differences too. She's being as judging as her mom. I SWEAR I WILL KILL MYSELF IF I AM EVER AS JUDGING AND BIASED AS HER WITH MY OWN KIDS.
A GOOD CRY AND TEN MINUTES LATER...........
I'm not going to kill myself. I just........... It hurts that my mom thinks of all these really nice people as the scum of the earth. And that she is choosing her religion over accepting her own daughter. Oh god here come the tears again. I mean me and my mom..... we were so close at one point. But ever since I came out to her she has done nothing but judge and reject me. That brings me back to cutting. I am hurting myself again. I have a special little bag that I keep my staple puller in and some band-aids. I haven't used it since last Thursday. But I did again tonight. But I am just DONE.
It's taken me seventeen years to figure out that my mom is wrong. I have been so blinded by what she has said. It took a sweet, lovely pregnant woman who was starting the early stages of labor to make me realize how wrong and judgemental and biased and horrible my mom is. Thank you Mayra. I owe you my life. You may never read this, but you should know how big of an impact you have made in my life.
I have a to-do list and a plan for my future, and the very second I can I'm OUT of this hell hole. It's only one more year and a car away. I have a job. I have some assemblance of a plan. And this blog may very well be a part of it. Or I may just start a different one. I don't know why I did all of this. But it just......... It felt like it was time for it all to come out of me. Thank you for listening. And I'm sorry if I have sucked the life out of you. But this has been inside of me for months and it just had to come out sometime.
-Katie
First tho, pull up this video and listen to it while you read this blog. DO NOT STOP LISTENING. EVEN IF THE VIDEO STOPS START IT AGAIN: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpcGpvuw2Bo
I just effing can't anymore. I can't take this any more. I am cutting again. And it just takes the pain away from what's really going on. And let's just stop and think for a minute here before you go down and leave a comment saying that I am an attention whore or something. I've been nice and vague, but I have told you that my parents and I are making war declarations with each other. Doesn't my sudden need to hurt myself again say something about how bad it really is and how deep it is? HMMM???????
I can't even go through one effing meal without them making out a comment. And sometimes it isn't the big obvious ones that cut the deepest; Sometimes it's the little ones that leave the biggest scars. Example: I am sexually different. NO I AM NOT GAY. I simply have a fetish. And everyone tells me that it is normal and healthy. But my mom has so many religious prejudices it sickens me. AND ALMOST ALL OF THEM ARE WRONG!!!! The people who she is biased against are really nice people who just made mistakes!!!!! But she sees them as the scum of the earth.
...........Wait, I am getting off topic. Basically my mom and dad were talking the other night at dinner and they said something about me needing a second flashdrive because "she didn't want any of my stories to accidentally end up being sent to my school grading people." That EFFING HURTS MOM. She thinks I'm a slut. I swear she does.
Anyways, back to the other rant. I'm realizing my mom was wrong about a lot of things. And that she's wrong about me and my differences too. She's being as judging as her mom. I SWEAR I WILL KILL MYSELF IF I AM EVER AS JUDGING AND BIASED AS HER WITH MY OWN KIDS.
A GOOD CRY AND TEN MINUTES LATER...........
I'm not going to kill myself. I just........... It hurts that my mom thinks of all these really nice people as the scum of the earth. And that she is choosing her religion over accepting her own daughter. Oh god here come the tears again. I mean me and my mom..... we were so close at one point. But ever since I came out to her she has done nothing but judge and reject me. That brings me back to cutting. I am hurting myself again. I have a special little bag that I keep my staple puller in and some band-aids. I haven't used it since last Thursday. But I did again tonight. But I am just DONE.
It's taken me seventeen years to figure out that my mom is wrong. I have been so blinded by what she has said. It took a sweet, lovely pregnant woman who was starting the early stages of labor to make me realize how wrong and judgemental and biased and horrible my mom is. Thank you Mayra. I owe you my life. You may never read this, but you should know how big of an impact you have made in my life.
I have a to-do list and a plan for my future, and the very second I can I'm OUT of this hell hole. It's only one more year and a car away. I have a job. I have some assemblance of a plan. And this blog may very well be a part of it. Or I may just start a different one. I don't know why I did all of this. But it just......... It felt like it was time for it all to come out of me. Thank you for listening. And I'm sorry if I have sucked the life out of you. But this has been inside of me for months and it just had to come out sometime.
-Katie
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