Oi.

Okay so things went okay yesterday.

It was unpleasant. But I did good, nothing was extremely bad at first glance. In other news, JAMES IS ON YOUTUBE. AND HE WANTS TO COLLABORATE WITH US. I AM FREAKING OUT OKAY???????

Cuz like just omg SASSFGHHJKL,FHVM,IL sorry. :P oh wait, I promised y'all I'd make a video on here! :o See how forgetful I am? Okay so.... Lets try it out shall we? :) .....Crap I can only do it on the computer. :( what am I on right now if not the computer? The iPad. I'm trying to update AND get better at typing on this because I am VERY slow. But I think I'm getting better.. :) So...

Guess that's everything! :D bye guys!
-Katie

SCREW PAIN.

I AM SO TIRED OF ALWAYS HURTING.

I WOKE UP IN THE WORST PAIN SINCE THE ACCIDENT THIS MORNING. EVEN THE MORNING AFTER THE ACCIDENT DIDN'T HURT AS BAD AS I DID THIS MORNING. Oh wait.....

I never told y'all officially I was in a car accident. :/ Damn, now I have to talk about it. Well, Y'all deserve the truth. The only reason I've been avoiding it was because I just wasn't ready to face it. But I think I might finally be ready to. So let's just try okay? No promises that I'll make it all the way through the story, but... I'll do my best.

Sigh. So last Wednesday me and my mom were on our way to my therapy appointment, and things were really really tense between us. I just wanted her to talk to me but she wouldn't. So I was sitting in the car wrapped up in my head, when we turned. We were going the speed limit, but then the light turned red at the next stop-light/intersection thing. and there was another car there, so I assumed my mom would stop the car. But the car didn't stop. She hit the breaks, but.... It just.... I don't know. I saw it coming as we got closer, and.... And I thought I was going to die. I screamed and closed my eyes. But somehow I opened them back up after the impact. My thighs burned, and so did my hands, but it subsided after a while. Everything after was unimportant, I just had to stay calm because I didn't want to upset my mom any more. She was already hysterical, and I just had to swallow everything and become numb to protect her it felt like. I still haven't completely let it all go, maybe that's why I still hurt. And the miracle? Everyone walked away. Our car is totaled, and it looked like those accidents you see where people end up in the hospital with broken things, and major injuries. But we walked away. My mom has a concussion. I'm still in pain, and now my damn bladder is acting up and I'm going for an MRI tomorrow morning to make sure I don't have a back injury or something.

I'm scared as fuck to be perfectly honest. My anxiety was so bad when I was in the car the first few days after the accident that I was having panic attacks. Now it isn't as bad. As long as I don't think about it and focus on the music playing I'm okay. But this damn pain JUST WON'T FUCKING STOP. And it SUCKS! I can't fangirl, I can't laugh, I can't cough or sneeze or sniffle without it hurting! Even just sitting here if I move funny I hurt! I can't be too loud or it hurts, I can't be dramatic or I hurt. I JUST FUCKING HURT ALL THE TIME!!!!

I'm going back to the doctor today to try and figure something out about it. I'm also scared because Wednesday night I had a dream I peed myself when I hung out with my friends on Friday, and I'm so scared it's going to become a reality, because I'm being sedated for the MRI and my bladder is already being a pain and making me always have to pee. What if? What if that nightmare comes true? I can't afford to think like that but I keep finding myself thinking about what I would do if it did happen. I'm sorry to keep going on like this but I can't help it. I just haven't been able to get all of this out and now I finally have.

Thank you for listening to me.
-Katie

FANGIRL TIME

ASDHGFJKL;LJKGLFUYIORWTL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GY1pVUqlfdE&list=FLqWneu1rDQg_Z8P99NQlE7w

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbtHe1E972c

AND ALWAYS THIS: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMZYyZfgQnE&list=PL3EAA5883F9FFF9DF

LOL THE WOBBLE!!!!! xD IT'S JUST THE KINDA MORNING TO FANGIRL OKAY?????????? :D:D:D:D:D:D Idk, I just felt like fangirling and I needed to post so I figured I'd make y'all fangirl with me!!!! :D

NOW COME ALONG MY LOVELY BUNNY SPANKY, WE MUST PLOT WORLD DOMINATION!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! XD Sorry, I found that in a fanfic that I can't share. :( Sorry, but it's on a site y'all can't go to, okay? :)

BAI FANGIRLS!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D
-Katie

PS: OWWWWW I HATE HOW MY PAIN JUST KEEPS INCREASING!!!!! :(((

GOTS ME AN OUTLINE! :D

Yeah.....

I don't hurt for once!!! :D but now my mom does. :'( I just can't seem to win...

IN OTHER NEWS: I am still vry upset with the whole BTR/1D thing. Apparently our twitter votes were nothing more than a publicity scam and didn't count at ALL. So you know what we say to that? F*** NICKELODEON YOU'RE A BUNCH OF A** H**** AND I HOPE BTR DOESN'T RENEW THEIR CONTRACT AND YOUR CHANNEL GETS TAKEN OFF THE AIR LIKE DISCOVERY KIDS DID FOR YOUR SELFISHNESS. GROW SOME ETHICS WHY DON'T YA.

RANT OVER! :D I really hope no one uses that against me or takes it seriously..... But I always speak my mind when I write and I regret absolutely nothing about it. It's the only way I can talk a lot of the time, so....

I am still REALLY nervous, but... I think things are gonna work out for the better now. :) my foot is asleep...

AND THAT CONCLUDES THIS EPISODE OF DEEP THOUGHTS WITH KATIE. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR SOME DIRTY KOGAN FUN!!!! XD

I need a life. :P
-Katie

Stuff that needs to be talked about.

Okay yesterday officially SUCKED.

I have a whole list of reasons and at the top of that list is that BTR LOST AND THERE ARE SOME RUMORS FLOATING AROUND THAT NICK RIGGED THE VOTING!!!!!!!!!!! We CLEARLY had more votes for best music group!!!!! Even the twitterfeed onstage had nothing but VoteBTR tweets up there! There were over 350 MILLION votes cast, and somehow I think half of those were ours (Rushers). But the weirdest thing?

The guys took it so well. I mean.... Kendall seemed fine with it from the video he posted last night, and Carlos seemed fine (Although I need to go watch his keeks so that may not be true). So.... maybe they knew this was gonna happen? Idk.

OTHER REASONS YESTERDAY SUCKED: My pain level increased. Fangirling HUUUUUUURTS with my chest contusion. Another? ALL THE GODDAMN FIGHTING AND RESENTMENT. Ugh. -.-

Okay so.... something happened last night. That's all I can say right now. But I think I have a better grasp of who my audience is now. But.... Just....

I need to make another post. Everyone deserves the truth, and I hurt too much to do anything but give it to you. Even if I didn't want to I hurt too much to get out of my chair for much.

So I'll see you in a few minutes, okay?
-Katie

Words

It's kinda funny.

Funny how an assembly of words can bring so much out of people. How thought provoking they can be, and how much you can learn about yourself, or someone else, from just sharing those words. How easy it is to speak without saying a word, and how much people listen to them.

Words can change lives you know.
-Katie

Bleh.

Fairly odd parents is laaaaame.

In other news, KCA'S ARE TONIGHT SO VOTE YOUR ASSES OFF FOR BTR OKAY????? I am not physically capable of voting excessively. So YOU HAVE TO DO IT FOR ME OKAY??? It's #KCA #VoteBTR or #KCA #VoteCarlos

DO IT OR YOU WILL PAY OKAY???? And if you vote for 1 Direction I will hunt you down right now and do bad things to you. THEY ARE ALREADY DOING THEIR DAMN SNEAK ATTACK SO JUST VOTE FOR BTR FOR THE POOR GIRL SITTING HERE TYPING THIS BECAUSE HER CHEST HURTS TOO MUCH TO DO ANYTHING ELSE OKAY????

And now that I have you doing that, I can rest easy. Sort of.

TO FIGURE OUT WHO'S TAKING ME TO THE LIBRARY TODAY! AWAY!!!
-Katie

ow ow and ow. -_-

I. HURT.

I know I keep saying that but I seriously hurt so much. It's hard to get in a comfy position to sleep at night. It hurts if I laugh too hard. And quite honestly this bra isn't that great of a comfort either....

I guess I'm better than yesterday. Nothing new has appeared on my body. It still hurts in the same areas. Although a new development is that even taking the proper medicine I still have to pee excessively. O_o Yeah.....

Sigh. I think things are going to get better with my friend now. She was so worried about me once she found out tonight. And... I just think things are going to get better.

NEXT CHALLENGE: Avoiding pain while laughing tomorrow. THAT will be a miracle.

-Katie

I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!

WHY IS EVERYONE TELLING ME NOT TO FEEL THE WAY THAT I AM!?!?!?!?!

I am having panic attacks now!!! AND EVERYONE IS JUST TELLING ME TO GET THE FUCK OVER IT!!!!! Well how the HELL am I supposed to do that when I have no one to talk to about it all or who will just listen????

I am on the verge of tears I can't take it!!!!! I'm not even ready to talk about it here. I think you can guess from my last two or three posts what happened, but I'm not confirming anything yet. I just CAN'T. I can't talk about it yet. I'm not ready yet.

Someone just let me feel it all for once!!!!!

-Katie

I. Hurt.

All. Over.

And. It. Sucks. Why. Am. I. Talking. Like. This? Idk, it's just fun. :P I just needed something to do since I can't really go upstairs to get the outline I need for my story. Oh well, now I know what to bring downstairs tomorrow morning.

My whole upper body hurts like hells. laughing hurts, exerting force or pressure hurts. I just want to curl up in a ball. Or for it all to just magically go away. EVERYTHING. The axniety, the pain, the horror of it all in my head, and above all, THE GOD DAMN BRUISES. I want a hug. I want to let it all out. But I can't and even when I try it won't. My friends have helped me feel a little better. Especially my best friend. :) He's been so sweet and -STOP KATIE. YOU CAN'T DO THIS. NO MATTER YOUR MENTAL STATE.

I just hope I don't end up laughing tomorrow. that hurts the worst. :'( S I G H. This part of this song is so hot...

-Katie

Non-dramatic title for a dramatic post

Forget everything I said yesterday.

I'm trying to erase everything that happened yesterday from my memory. It was all so truamatic and I don't want to relive it all again. Please please PLEASE respect that guys. I'll talk when I'm more okay with it all.

The only thing you need to know is that I'm alive, I'm extremely lucky that nothing is broken, I'm just shaken, bruised, and very VERY sore. And in physical pain. But I've got pain meds for that.

And I think I might take a nap now, as much as I really don't want to, I'm not sure I can stop from falling asleep.

Goodnight maybe.

-Katie

You're not alone - Big Time Rush

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rewJ8kwlF9M


Just listen to it. That song has saved me again and again and again.

I'm doing some very serious thinking right now. So if I don't post much, that's probably why. Although if you DO vote for BTR at the KCA's and they win, I will follow through on my promise of a video. :)

So just be patient, and if you need to, listen to the song again and again and again and again. I did. And that's half the reason I'm alive right now. :')

Stay strong.
-Katie

SHUT UP.

I am absolutely nothing around here.

Just something to belittle, judge, ignore, criticize, abandon because your own selfish fears. I'm worth so little. No one listens to me.

The only reason I hang on is for the taste of freedom I'll have so very very soon. A friend out of state might take me in, and if she doesn't, I can find a way to get by, make something of myself. I REFUSE to stay here and be made to believe I am nothing. I am NOT nothing. I AM A HUMAN BEING!!!

I have thoughts! Feelings! I am worth actually listening to! And not just hearing the words, but their true meaning!!! But no one here actually will! I only have one friend that knows everything, and listens to me. He is the only person who really sees me as a human. Everyone else just sees me sit there. The only place I am truly alive is in my writing.

There I am my complete self. No hiding, no judgement to be found, just me. All of me. Nothing is hidden. I hate that it's the only place I don't have to hide anything. Not my preferences, not my feelings, not the truth, nothing. AND THAT IS THE ONLY PLACE I CAN DO THAT.

I hate my life. I lean on Big Time Rush so much right now. Their music, photos and videos of them, everything. They help me through the week, until the weekend. I love my weekends. I get out of the house and get to be around people I don't have to hide in front of. I get a small sliver of hope, a drop of the taste of freedom. It helps some.

I WILL escape this oppression one day. I will NOT stay and be made to feel like shit. I WILL BE FREE.

-Katie

STILL NO COMPUTER!!!!! D:

So guess who's at the library?

Dat be right; me. :P I type so weird sometimes. ANYWAYS. The only working computer at my house WON'T CHARGE BECAUSE THE CHARGER IS RETARDED. :'( So once again I am limited to my phone and the library. AND I HATE WRITING WHEN I'M ON MY PHONE!!!!! D':

Oh well. I guess there ARE worse things in life... Like being a reanimated corpse that is slowly turning into a zombie. :P BEING HUMAN IS ON TONIGHT AND I AM FREAKING EXCITED. So SPOILER ALERT: Aidan just got over the virus, Josh is gonna be a wolf again but has come to terms with it (Or is at least starting to :) aND Sally IS TURNING IN TO A FREAKIN ZOMBIE. Kind of. She is rejecting it, whereas her friend Nick... I think he just ate his lover. xD IDK WHY I FIND THAT FUNNY BUT I DO. And ehm, Idk bout Aidan. He's just super hot. :D

So yeah. UHMAZING. :D I'm hungry. And thirsty. TIME TO TEXT MY MOM TO COME GET ME! :D Wait, I DON'T WANNA LEAVE THE COMPUTER!!!! D:

Sigh...

-Katie

The sleepy voting blog.

I'm soooo sleepyy...

And I really don't want to go back to bed. -.- Oh well....

What can I talk about? Hm... Well, if you are a living, breathing, human being or anything that can read and have thumbs, GO VOTE FOR THE KIDS CHOICE AWARDS. I don't care if it's on the KCA website: nick.com/kca Or on twitter: twitter.com or if you have an account, #KCA #VoteBTR OR #KCA #VoteCarlos. Please. It would mean everything to me.

And now I'm going to try not to fall asleep.

-Katie

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF!!!!

AUGH!!!

My mom is texting with my friend and I can't talk to Him until she's done and it's driving me insane because I can't tell him what not to tell her and I can't tweet because I am on tweet limit and I am about to EXPLODE from lack of control!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY do I have to be so sensitive and stupid??? If I had just left my phone in my bag that one night I wouldn't be in this situation!!!! Just like if I had kept everything inside me that one day my other friend would still talk to me!!!! ASGGKGLAJGHKL

And I think I have screwed up pretty damn good by the sound of my mom's breathing!! Ugh.

-Katie

Some things have come to my attention.

Let's make a list shall we?

(PS: I FORKING LOVE MAKING LISTS IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITE WAYS TO WRITE!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D )

Thing #1: I am almost at three hundred posts, bot about half of them are unpublished drafts (But in terms of published posts we are almost at 160 I believe! :D Or was it 170? Hmm....)

thing #2: I think all my tools are still at the bottom of the page even though they are supposed to be at the top!!!! >:( This is making me increasingly mad!

Thing #3: ....Either of the things I thought of aren't really things I want on the internet. :P

So yeah. Im'ma take care of at least items number three. :P

-Katie

One of these things is not like the other

And it doesn't belong.

She shouldn't subject herself to it every time, but she does and hopes for once it changes. And it never does. The jokes never cease, the humiliation never ends. She always wants to run to the bathroom and cry. Who is she? She's me.

I should never have reached out, it always blows up in my face. Yet it's the only thing I have. And I can't give up on it. But the jokes, the teasing never end. It never stops. Why?

I always go home feeling worse than I did going in. Just once. PLEASE.

-Katie

#VoteBTR for the #KCA

Yeah that's right, I used a hashtag in the title.

I AM CALLING ALL THE PEOPLE OF THE WORLD TO VOTE! I know you think it's stupid, but the KCA's are next weekend and 1 Direction is almost caught up with BTR in votes. You HAVE to help us win! You can vote two ways.

WAY NUMBER ONE: You can go to nick.com/kca and vote there. Vote for Big Time Rush (NOT 1 FREAKING DIRECTION BECAUSE WE ARE TRYING TO GET BTR THE BLIMP!!!) and Also you need to vote for Carlos for best male Actor.

WAY NUMBER TWO: Twitter! :D Use the hashtag #KCA #VoteBTR OR #VoteCarlos. BUT REMEMBER: Your tweet only counts as a vote if you use #KCA and one of ther other. NOT BOTH. Retweets of other tweets with the hashtags ALSO count as a vote, so be sure to do that as MUCH as humanly possible for you. Even if you only vote once, that's one more for BTR.

I AM BEGGING YOU TO PLEASE DO THIS. If you do I'll make a video and put it in a blog, okay?? Okay! :D

And now I have to go finish dinner, bai! :)

-Katie

ehm....

Yeah I have no clue.

Nothing TOO bad today.....

I AM FREAKING OUT CUZ THE SKY IS ALL DARK AND CLOUDY AND EVER SINCE THOSE FREAK STORMS LAST YEAR I FREAK OUT WHEN THE WEATHER IS LIKE THIS!!!!!! D:

I used to be a little freaked out but now I like almost have a panic attack. THEY'RE FREAKIN SCARY DUDE!!!! Idk, I just have nothing better to talk about..
-Katie

Stupidity rant

Ya know what my biggest pet peeve is?

STUPID CELEBRITY DRAMA. Whether its in the fandom or some rumor, I HATE IT. I didn't always used to...

Well, I did, kind of. I used to hear rumors, and try to find some facts, and made up some version of it that I thought was true. I didn't get too caught up in fandom drama. Well, not until Jemi (Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato). I HATED when the drama started with that. I didn't believe that until the words came straight from Demi's mouth. Then I was happy for them. But....

Then there was a rumor when they broke up, about Joe, who I DESPISE now He's a player and a jerk. Jonas heads hate me all you want, but I think he's an ass, and he only has talent with his brothers. Anyways, the rumor was he tried to get his dad to break up with her. Of course it was true, but... I think that was pushed her over the edge.

And THAT was about the time I kinda left that fandom for the Rusher fandom. And now there are stupid rumors going around in that fandom about Jalston (James Maslow and Halston Sage). She is the sweetest person, she is not what everyone says she is, and those rumors PISS ME OFF.

And another thing I hate about the fandoms/tabloids? THEY NEVER MIND THEIR OWN DAMN BUSINESS. They can't let poor Taylor Swift heal from her break-up and now she is CONSTANTLY a victim of bullying/rumors/at the end of a lot of jokes. Newsflash: SHE HAS FEELINGS TOO. It's all because she dated someone from 1D. God I hate that fandom. -.-

I'm not saying that everyone in that fandom is a bitch. I happen to be friends with some directioners. But the ones that I hate are the ones that start pointless hate, cause the majority of drama without any reason, and pick fights!

All of this is just STUPID. And somehow I end up surrounded by it all! It irritates me. And somehow in the midst of celebrity drama, I end up in the middle of people getting bullied because of it all!!! There is something so very wrong with this society. Why can't we all just look up to our idols and enjoy the music/movies without all this damn pointless drama!?!?!?!

It baffles me. I was raised to see them as just normal people who make a lot of money and have a different job that has amazing rewards, but takes a lot of hard work to aquire. But everyone else sees them as sex gods and godesses. I'm not denying that some of them are really sexy, I'm just...

I'm trying to say that this is all stupid. Who the fuck cares if James and Halston broke up? It's none of our damn business!!! Who cares if Carlos and Alexa are in love and like to show it off? They should be allowed to!!! Why do you think Demi Lovato got kicked off Disney channel? Because she wasn't perfect. No one is. But in the business, you have to appear as perfect to be a part of it, ESPECIALLY with Disney!!! I fucking hate Disney.

I'm not against their animated movies and stuff. I just hate how you have to be "perfect" to be on Disney channel!!! Ugh, I think this rant needs to stop here. But just think about all of this, okay?

-Katie

IUADSFHYIJKFDGKL

AUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DAMN MY WRITING!!!!!!!!!!

My favorite story is somewhere between dirty and presentable and I CAN'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't post it... Wait, I cannot really express this problem in my blog, because my mom reads it. :/ Then again....

Nope. Not worth it. -_- FUCK EVERYTHING. Please enjoy this video the amazing @Gunnarolla made expressing how I feel about everything at the moment: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G8I0CMFrz1Q

And that my friends is how I feel. About everything. And my mom does too. -.-

Then again, she's exhausted, and when I'm exhausted everything pisses me off too.... whatever. F*** everything.
YES I JUST DID THAT!!!! >:D

-Katie

PS: MY BROTHER IS FINE ACCORDING TO EVERYTHING THE DOCTOR SAID!!! Yay? :/

indecision..

I can't seem to make up my mind on a lot of things.

Like whether or not I should quit my job, whether or not to enroll in public school, whether or not to still hang out with my group of friends..... I'm second guessing everything I do.

I think I NEED to make some of the changes I'm trying to... but like, the innocent jokes are getting really old. And I don't know how to deal with it. AND I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF THEM. Maybe I need to write a very pointed poem and read it this week....

But the only thing I am CERTAIN about is that apparently sisterhood means nothing to my fucking Girl Scout troop, my leader or my former "best friend." My leader was a bitch about cookies that I NEEDED, so my mom had to pay out of pocket to a different troop to get the ones I NEEDED. So therefore, I am one hundred percent positive about becoming a solo girl scout until I earn my Gold award. I'm done with that mess.

And my brother is at the doctor AGAIN and probably going to the hospital AGAIN and possibly having part of his intestine removed.

And then on top of it all I had to DELETE my email because my damn account was compromised and put on some pervert's email list. -.- I really need to find something positive to focus on..... And I should probably delete the above paragraph....

But I'm too mad at Girl Scouts to care. >:D

-Katie

Why should I?

Maybe it's just my exhaustion talking, but....

Why should I keep writing fanfic? Either it's unreadable or everyone makes fun of me for it!! Why should I keep writing it if nothing good comes from it?? Everyone always makes fun of me for it...

Whatever. In other news, I hate the Walmart by our house. It is the most unorganized store that is run by nothing but indians or hispanics, who never know anything, even about the most important DVD release OF THE YEAR!!! >:( Whatever.

You probably guessed it, I did another stake-out, this time for Breaking Dawn Part 2. And after I had been up since 4 in the morning! -.- I didn't even get to sleep until after 2 this morning and then I had to get up at 11 if I was going to get anything done today. So yes, I am more than a little tired and I am very irritable. Hence why I am so upset about fanfic!!!!

Ugh. Either way I'm gonna at least finish chapter 9 of Covergirl, but after that, I may just stop. I suck at it, and no one even reads/appreciates it.

Sorry, I just really needed to vent.

-Katie