3 years. TRIGGER WARNING (For literally everything)

I've been trying to make this post for a couple of weeks now.

And I just haven't been able to find the right words. But.... But I think it's time, and I think I'm ready.

Okay, so.... first off, MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING. Today we are going to talk about depression, suicide, and self-harm, mainly in the form of cutting. If that is a problem for you, Click HERE and you will be directed to the US suicide hotline. Or, if you like to stay in a happy bubble, click HERE for something adorable.

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Now then. I.... It was September 10th, 2012, the day I tried to end my life. The only reason I know that is because the day I did it, I posted about it. With pictures. And I've been asked by people (IE, my mother), why I don't take it down. Why I don't take anything from that period in my life down.

The honest answer, is because it's the only way I can REMEMBER anything. It's like a giant hole in my memory where that chunk of time is. Like I remember that day. I remember what happened, and why I did it. She abandoned me. And that sounds so stupid, but she was literally the only thing I had going for me. The more I think about before though, I see how much she was hurting too. Her mom didn't make the right call on the situation, but that's a different story for a different day.

What I DO remember is that my boys were there for me, through it all. All the tears I cried, all the times I really debated trying again, all the times I called myself a coward for not doing it. I didn't even bother to write a suicide note I was so desperate.

I.... I guess what I'm trying to say is.... Don't do it. Don't try to, don't think about it.... but if you are, and you're looking for a reason, any reason NOT to, here it is. You are precious. You are beautiful. You mean everything to me, and you have no idea how much the loss of your life will impact us. Suicide is a PERMANENT solution for a TEMPORARY problem. If you're dealing with abuse, there is help. You can and you WILL escape it one day. I promise. If you've been raped, it is NOT your fault, and there are so many resources for you. You CAN and you WILL heal, I promise. If you're dealing with an eating disorder, or body image issues, you are SO BEAUTIFUL. I've never met you but I know you are.

September is/was suicide prevention month. It's a cause that's very close to my heart, because it nearly ended my life. If I can get better, then I know you can too. It's been three years since I attempted to end my life. They have been the most insane, best, worst, amazing, incredible, WONDERFUL years. You have no idea what it's been for me. And to anyone who helped me along the way. To the people who've talked me out of hurting myself again, to the people who stayed up late listening to me, to the people who were just THERE. THANK YOU. You have no idea what your support means to me. Thank you.

Sincerely,
-Katie

Katie and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, wibbly wobbly (and slightly timey-whimey) Monday

Long title = long post. :P

Well, maybe. Anyways, yesterday was CARAAAAAAZY. Like seriously. It started out really good. We were actually running early for once (We're usually scrambling to get out the door on time). So early, in fact, that we had time to stop for Starbucks! :D

But then the barista messed up my order. :( Sigh. Then I went to English class. Not a big deal, right? It's supposed to be my best subject. But I didn't do my homework right (Which means I get counted absent for Friday, because that homework counts as my attendance since we don't go to class on Fridays). Bummer.

And then, as I'm leaving class, I realize my TARDIS wallet isn't in my bag, and that the pouch was open. No one had walked past me. WTF?!?!?! So I then spent thirty minutes scouring the classroom and having to get across campus to check with student life to see if they had it. They did not. So I then had to get in the car and call the bank to cancel my card and pray that I wasn't late for math class. Which I was.

And then it turns out my wallet was in the car the whole time!! WTAF?!?!?!?!?!?! So Good news is, I have my wallet! Bad news? I froze my account and now have no access to my money until I get a new card. in a week. FML.

And then, unsurprisingly, Nathan flipped his shit yesterday, but he crossed a line and completely trashed all the laundry my grandmother had worked so hard to fold. You can imagine how well THAT went over with my grandparents.... Um. Yeah. So shit went down yesterday.

I'm hoping Wednesday is better. Actually, I KNOW Wednesday will be better, because GEEK STUFF/LITTLE KIDS/FUN TIMES/YAY! :D Also: I TURN 20 IN SEVEN DAYS!!!! :D:D:D:D

Soo that's all I've got for you today. :P See y'all next time!

Sincerely,
-Katie

Another letter to her

It always scares me when you get in my dreams.

Especially like you did last night. It makes me worried you're saying goodbye, or that you're doing something stupid and I WON'T BE THERE TO FIX IT. And it always hurts too. I want you to know that. I know that you have no control over it (Unless you are a ghost already), but it still hurts. It hurt so bad I didn't want to go back to sleep. It hurt so much.

But last night.... You were attempting to kill yourself. And only because I know the truth does that terrify me. Then, for once in your life, you actually listened to me, and let me help you. We got you things, to help you take control, but then I was an IDIOT and gave you a tool which you could easily use to hurt yourself (I know I did). And then you left and completely blew me off.

Do you know how much that HURTS? Ask the person I told. I was so torn up I messaged her at six this morning. It hurts. I know you don't want me back, but it would be really nice if we didn't hate each other. Actually, no, I don't hate you. I've never hated you. But you seem to have hated me. Maybe you still do. But I realize we've had to do this the hard way. If we hadn't, I don't think I would be who I am right now.

It just scares me, and it kills me to know that you could off yourself and I would never know. I would never know that I lost you. Do you realize how hard that is? I lost you once, but losing you twice would destroy me.

Just think about that, okay?

Sincerely,
-Katie

I have trust issues.

Let's make a list of reasons why, shall we?

1. Ted. Yuugi. Idk if I ever said his first name or screen name here. But yeah, that was all kinds of wrong. 24-year-old Strung along a stupid, naive 17-year-old girl. Played on her insecurities, indulged in her childish fantasies, then she ends it and you become a fucking pervert. Yeah, let that one just sink in. And the kicker? He's too damn far away and it was all online, so does the 17 year old girl get her justice/vengeance? No, she has to take it, take it like she deserves it. Something is VERY wrong with that.

2. Cass. I'm past it for the most part. What's done is done. I can't get her back, I can't change the past and in all honesty, I'm not sure I would. But at the same time, she was literally the only person I trusted, and for her to abandon me like she did.... It stung. It still hurts to think about it. I've yet to let anyone that close to me again. Not even my own mother.

3. My mom. Yeah, I think it's about time I put this out there. She and I have VERY different opinions on a lot of things. Fetishes, homo/bisexuality, being Trans, whether or not I am a lesbian (NEWSFLASH! MY CHOICE!)....

4. Just boys in general. Like seriously, When I was sixteen, a GUY talked me into working 40 hours a week. I was 16 PEOPLE. Then another guy proceeded to place impossible standards on me until I cracked and bled (In his bathroom, and yes this is still work). Then we could talk about SJ (Nickname, not his fault really but still). Or Dude who I caught stealing at work (I know it was him, no one else except me and him use the boys bathroom). Wait, I may have said too much....

5. Every fucking thing that ended up happening to me after Cassidy abandoned me and I had to rebuild my life from scratch. Jennifer being a fucking bitch (Which she was) and bullying me, and only ADDING to the self-loathing and hatred. How much I just hated existing. How it took forever to let Thomas and Rachel in.

Yeah. I'm just.... having one of those times where I'm overthinking and feel gross in my own skin. I'm not gonna say why. The important people know, I'll say that much. But.... I'm about 9000% sure I'm a lesbian. And that I'm depressed again. Sort of. Or getting there. I don't even know any more, I just know I'm tired of getting screwed over and being left to deal with it all on my own. And that I want help. But I can't have it. Because to get it I have to tell my mother, and I'm sorry but that is just NOT going to happen.

I just...... I needed to ex-spell some of this negative energy swirling inside of me. I just have to make it to Tuesday.... I have to.

Sincerely,
-Katie