On adulthood.

So I've been twenty-one for about five days now (Give or take, depending on when you read this). But... nothing feels different?

I mean I've been over this before (Probably), but.... Well things are simultaneously vastly different yet completely the same. Aside from a few new privileges the law just gave me (drinking, the ability to buy sharpies and spray paint...), I'm just... still the same person I was before.

Except. Remember when this was a thing? Well, it's a thing again. Only my schedule is just too rigid and now this THING (that is still baffling EVERYONE) is turning what was once a perfectly synchronized machine into a frantic conveyor belt of mess.

I've missed work and I am missing Math class tomorrow. I NEVER miss work or class. I can't work out. I'm exhuasted and constantly sleepy. Like I slept until one this afternoon and I almost didn't go to class. My mom had to WALK ME to class today I was so dizzy. What is my life becoming? I'm not sure.

I just wish someone could tell me WTF IS WRONG WITH ME. Literally no one can figure it out and it's REALLY IRRITATING! Ugh. But on the plus side I have gotten out of work and math. But missing work means less money and my hours are already getting cut. :(

So yeah. Adult things. I really don't know what the point of this was other than a general life update but whatever. My advice is this: Take adulthood like Colossus takes hero-ing: Two or three moments. Probably a lot more than that. But for me, that's about all I can handle a day. I recognize now though that I do more than that on a daily basis. I work a job (adulting). I go to college (MAJOR adulting). I watch Youtube videos with swearing (My mom's idea of adulting). I am a gay woman in a monogamous relationship (VERY adulting). I suck at people though. Except lately I just haven't had ENERGY for people and all the BS that is required of it. Like pretending to care about customers and put up with their hellians- I mean children. Again, examples of adulthood. I much prefer wrangling them myself in a classroom environment. .....That came out wrong.

ANYWAYS! I have to work tomorrow and I think I am about out of sense-making things to say. In case you haven't heard it today: I love you and you're good enough.

Sincerely,
-Katie

Ways anxiety has ruined my life! *TRIGGER WARNING!

TRIGGER WARNING FOR: Anxiety. Not graphic, but if you are easily upset, please take care of yourself and your triggers. :)

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It is once again one in the morning and I am not asleep. ENGAGE INSOMNIA BLOG-MODE! 

......fml. Maybe it's the change in the weather. Fall may or may not be upon us here in the south. I, for one, would greatly appreciate it, seeing as it's ALMOST OCTOBER (!!!!!!). But that's not why I'm here to talk about tonight. I'm here to explain all the idiotic things I am unable to do because of my fucking anxiety. LET US BEGIN!

1. I cannot talk to people in normal situations. Like when someone says thanks for holding the door open, I can't talk. I just smile like an idiot. Or when someone says something nice to me. Or especially at work, when it's early and I'm still like, cringing over stupid shit I did the last time I was here or something stupid I think I said. Which brings me to our second point...

2. I overanalyze EVERY. FUCKING. THING. Like if I say something and someone doesn't respond, I think I'm a horrible fuck up and they will hate me forever. I see something that reminds me of a questionable thing I did in the past, and suddenly I am overhwelmed with why I have no life and I am a royal fuck-up.

3. I LOSE SLEEP WHEN I HAVE A BUSY DAY THE NEXT DAY. Like oh my God, this is why I have such bad insomnia. Like I can literally pack and over-prepare and do everything possible to make sure things don't go wrong, but I will still, inevitably, lay in bed and panic about everything I will have to do in the morning.

4. I. CAN'T. MAKE. PHONECALLS. Oh my God this is so fucking annoying. If I need to call in a presciption, I can't do it. I have to ask my mom to do it. Work? If I couldn't text my boss I don't think she would probably hear from me nearly as often. Oh, and let's not forget my Significant Other! Actually I take that back. I'm a lot better about calling/skyping them. But it still stresses me out and nine times out of ten they have to call/skype me. And finally, the biggest and most annoying roadblock I have because of my motherfucking anxiety....

5. I don't drive. Like, I have physical proof on this blog of how bad that car accident fucked up my psyche (Check this post if you have no idea what the hell I am talking about.). But ever since then I have been too paralyzed by fear to even THINK about driving. I actually had no other choice BUT to drive my mom home one night not too long ago (she recently had shoulder surgery and I was at work and no one else could come get me), and I was honestly so paranoid and terrified all at once. Like this is the whole reason I am still stuck living at home! UGH!

So yes, I have made a lot of progress. I am no longer having panic attacks over due dates and paralyzed with fear of imminent death because of terrorists and extremists (for the most part). However stupid shit like this is really fucking annoying because it gets in the way of EVERYTHING. And it is now almost two in the morning and I have to be up at seven thirty to get ready for work. Yay me! Not.

Until next time: I love you and you are good enough.

-Katie

Future stuffs

Thinking I might post once a week just to dump my frustrations. *Shrugs*

Anyways, for some odd reason the last post sparked a HUUUUUGE spike in traffic. Like 400+ views spike. So uh, thanks for that guys. Anyways the reason I am here today is to bitch about how I'm pretty sure I'm fucking up my whole future by not having any extra-curriculars.

Now here me out on this! I've read and heard bits and pieces. Apparently a lot of jobs look at not just your GPA (and mine is stellar. I'm on the honor's list). They want extra cirriculars. They think a 4.0 means you have no people skills. And then there's the whole thing of "work experience." Ugh. Like it's hard enough trying to work to PAY for the things I need for school. And then, with work I have the added stress of "this could be homework time." And my job provides plenty of people skills!

......I think I'm fucking up my own arguement. Oh well. I'm just super stressed about it because I'm worried I'm doing everything all wrong. Though I'm almost twenty-one and most of the people in my classes are little baby eighteen-year-olds, and like half of them don't even want to be there. Well at least in math and music. Like this one dude. He shows up like, once every two weeks, and then he usually leaves before class is over. He's loud, he's obnoxious, and really, really, irritating. Like you can sooooo tell he doesn't want to be there! Like dude, you're PAYING for this torture. You had to willingly enroll and pay LOTS OF MONEY for this brand of torture. And music class is EASY. Well, mostly easy. I just sit and listen to my teacher geek out for an hour, I write a few things and listen to weird music (aka things from the early to mid twentieth century). It's EASY.

Compared to English, I almost relish music class. It's an hour I can plan and let my mind wander. Or throb. Like it did today. Yeah.... math gives me a headache. Anyways it is once again almost midnight and I am too anxious to sleep. Like that's another thing guys. My anxiety has taken over my life again. Though I'm doing most of this to myself.

Like.... I don't even know how to explain it. It's like I have to overthink and plan and I'm constantly thinking anything and everything could fall apart and I have to be prepared. Like it's fucking IRRITATING. Ugh. this turned into a poorly-written rant, much like my English paper. Well....

Until next time. I love you and you're good enough.
-Katie

Returning Temporarily?

Well it's been a hot minute.

Hi guys. Life kind of turned upside down for a while and it was really good that I took a break from posting on here. Now I feel like I can (maybe!) be the person, blogger, and writer this place deserves. Maybe. If people can just get over themselves and their prejudices. But we all know how that usually ends up....

Anyways I'm not here to whine and bitch about personal viewpoints on certain issues. I know that if you are set in your ways then there is not much I can do to change your mind. I can, however, give you an incredible challenge in what you assume a person to be, and how I am. Doesn't add up, does it? Stereotypes are incredibly inaccurate, in case you didn't know.

.....See, this is what fucking insomnia does. It turns me into a half-advocate with a huge mouth and nothing to back it up with. This also wasn't meant to be a rant about me and my life and the choices I make. This was meant to be me updating you on my life and how nutzy-coo-coo it's been. Both good, bad, and in-between.

First off, I passed both of my summer classes with an A and a B. I got the B in the math class I retook. Um, yeah, crazy. Also, just school in general has happened. Like oh my God, I am there four days a week, and how I get anything done on top of that and work is beyond me. I seriously am amazed at how much I am able to do and my ability to keep my schedule straight.

And I also got a half-promotion at work. I can't give you my exact details, but basically I'm in between sales-associate and manager. If that makes any sense. So now I work five days a week, make slightly more solely on hours, and I am due for a raise soon. Also I've managed to stay at this job for over a year, despite half of the stores in the mall closing down. I'm waiting for the day I go in and my boss tells me the entire mall is shutting down and I need to find a new job. Um, no. I LIKE where I am. There's very little politics, it's so slow I can usually clean and task to my hearts content, and above all, the hardest part of my job is the language barrier. Like seriously, that's the hardest part. Maybe that comes with my four years of experience in customer service and three in retail. But I just.... I'm really happy with where I'm at in my job right now.

Oh, yeah, and I'm in a serious relationship. It's been going on for almost a year now. The other person is amazing. And we pretty much tear every expectation and assumption to shreds. We are our own kind of wonderful and we make it work for US, not for anyone else. My mom isn't really on board with my relationship. I hate to say this, but I could care less. This person makes me VERY happy and I honestly can't picture my life without them.

But with every bit of good comes some bad. I still can't make phone calls, I still can't drive, I still have about no friends (sort of), and ehm, well, insomnia man. It's tearing up my LIFE. Like seriously, it's currently one in the morning and I'm barely tired. And this is the third time in two weeks this has happened. The second time this week. I think part of this is just general anxiety, and then part of it is my OCD. And I do not mean that in the microagression stereotype way. I mean this in the clinical, oh my God if the dishes are not in the cabinet a certain way I will literally have a panic attack. I've also got a serious problem with germs. Like more than a normal person. Like I use hand sanitizer RELIGIOUSLY, and I can't use public sinks because I'm scared of all the germs. I won't use my hands or chew my nails if I don't feel like they're clean or if they've touched certain things. And don't even get me STARTED on food. Good God I could write a book about my issues with food. Heh, maybe that's a topic to be explored here?

Anyways, that's kind of my life in a nutshell. Also I forgot my phone at work tonight and that's stressing me out too. I'm gonna go try and sleep, but let me know if you guys care to see me post anymore on here, okay?

And in case you didn't hear it today: I love you and you are totally good enough.

Sincerely,
-Katie

A good...bye?

Okay before you freak out let me explain.

This was, at one point, where I was free to express myself, for the most part, anonymously. I had a few people read it that knew me irl, but nothing like I do now. And I CHERISHED that anonymity. Hell, I NEEDED it for a while. This blog was my safe place, the one place I could really let it all out and just be who I really was. But now?

......There is a lot going on irl that a lot of the people who probably read this blog would hate me for. I'm not saying it's necessarily you, but I think those people know who they are. And I think they may know why too. But the long and the short of it is this: this was to be a place where I didn't have to filter myself too much, or speak in code all the time. And every time I try to go back to writing like that I get such SHIT for it. Not only in numbers but in real life too.

So what I am doing is this: I'm taking a break. Idk how long or how permanent, but for at least the rest of the summer. I have school for the next two months for four days a week on top of it all, and I run a vlog channel too (which you can check out here). If you really wanna keep up with me, your best bet is either there or on tumblr, which you can easily find if you really know me well enough. I'm not linking to that. No, my Tumblr is one of the last few places I have left where I really don't have to hide myself. I can be whoever I want there. And I am.

I'm not getting rid of this thing. It was a big part of my life once and it's the only way I can remember certain pieces of time in my head. But as of right now, I'm just not feeling the vibes here anymore, okay? thanks for being understanding in advance.

Sincerely,
-Katie

F--- the haters.

People really need to just get the fuck over it.

What I write, share, and indulge in is MY business, and MINE alone. It has absolutely ZERO effect on you and your life! And my numbers are GOOD. There not anything like some of the other fanfic writers out there, but they're enough to boost my confidence and make me feel good. And more importantly, they prove you are WRONG. They prove that I'm not a gross pervert. They prove that this isn't HARMFUL, and that I'm not the only one out there that's into this stuff. So go ahead and make your snide comments and tear me down. You want me to come to you and then you try and fuck with my head. Well guess what? The reason I don't tell you jack shit anymore is exactly because of that. So fuck you and your opinions.

* * * *

I know this is strange and random but my parents are really REALLY pissing me off with their lack of support and understanding. Especially my dad. They're not gonna stop me. They're not gonna change me. This has been a part of who I am since I was little. They can just get the fuck over themselves and they know where the hell they can shove their opinions. I would not have as many comments, kudos, and plain old VIEWS if this wasn't halfway decent. And you know what? I really REALLY don't care anymore. I'm done pretending. I'm gonna be me and that's the absolute end of it.

Sincerely,
Katie

Anti-drug use post (And mini life update)

MUST PLAY THIS SONG FIRST WHILE YOU READ.

I've needed to post this for a while.

On my 20th birthday, I found out my friend died in his home. The last time I had talked to him, he had told me he took a lethal amount of insulin. Unfortunately, I didn't get this information until AFTER I saw the facebook post that he had gone.

Why am I telling you this? Because I recently got this song stuck in my head. And honestly it's one of the few pop songs that I can actually stand. If you really take a minute and listen to the lyrics, the artist is actually begging people not to start using drugs. This is something that NEEDS to be said, and I salute the person who is brave enough to say it. So much of the crap that passes for music anymore is about getting drunk, getting high, or getting laid. I am NOT about that life. I've just kind of had this stuck in my head.

It's been six months since he died. The thing is, I try and live my life for him. I try not to live in fear (and fail spectacularly), and honestly? I didn't really start exploring myself and who I truly am until after he left. I took a stance after that. I want to make him proud. I want to make my girlfriend proud. And I hope I'm doing that.

In other news, School is swallowing me whole, I made a few new friends yesterday (Which is a HUGE deal, because I haven't been able to people lately), and I think.... maybe things are turning around for me? I'm trying. Also if you really want to know what's going on in my life, follow me on tumblr. I am on pretty close to a daily basis. I don't mean to neglect this place. But it's just kind of been put on the back burner for a while. I'm still working on balancing everything in my life. I'm getting there. It's just gonna take practice.

Sincerely,
-Katie

My life in a nutshell right now.

Guys....

......school and tumblr have taken over my life......Along with social anxiety......And AO3.....

I regret nothing and everything.

Sincerely,
-Katie

I AM FREAKING OUT OVER EVERYTHING.

GUYS I HAVE A MAJOR PROBLEM THAT I AM ASHAMED TO ADMIT.

I AM LIKE HALF-WAY LIKING ONE DIRECTION. D: Yes, I AM freaking out over this! Need I remind you of all the shit that Directioners gave Rushers? Not only that, but I have a huge issue with Directioners in general. Like, I'll admit I have met a few that are not complete bitches. But I also have met and been targeted by several that ARE.

The thing is, I haven't even REALIZED the songs I've been enjoying were One Direction until I decided to look into getting them on iTunes. What's next? I start TOLERATING Justin Bieber?! X_X Please kindly bitchslap me if that ever happens. SERIOUSLY. I could go on forever about Justin Bieber, but I think my stance has been made clear on that issue several times over.

But, I can easily piss off several Directioners right now by saying I kind of have Zayn's new song stuck in my head. >:D Or is that the same as supporting Kendall? Hmm....

Also I'm stalling on the mountain of homework I need to be working on. Like seriously, I have an entire math module due by midnight. As well as reading. Ugh. And I'd rather be writing fanfic, making a video.... literally anything. And I have a review tomorrow that I need to study for too. So no teaching tonight. :(

And my phone is being a piece of crap and just UGH! Everything is kind of overwhelming me right now. I should probably go deal with that instead of writing this....

Sincerely,
-Katie

SUPER HYPER POST WOO!~

THANK GOD FOR SUDAFED.

And no, I am not high, just veeeeeery sick and grateful for cold medicine. Like sudafed. For the first time in almost a week I feel ready to eat and run and have energy and just AWESOME SAUCE FEELINGS. Also I want to do math, which is very unheard of for me.

Also school is awesome. Except for going back and forth between the main campus and the library in the freezing cold. THAT is not awesome. But I like my teachers and classes and stuff. It's fun and I can't wait to go back next week. :D

But first I have to get textbooks. Which are expensive. :/ Oh well. Also I am escorting my brother to prom. It is official now. I have a dressed picked out and everything, I'm just waiting for it to go on sale. :D I'm really hyper too. :D:D:D:D:D:D

So yeah, that's life this week. :P Sorry this is so short but I am so hyper right now. weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee XD

Sincerely,
-Katie

Truth bomb (TRIGGER WARNING)

Consent and lack thereof are mentioned today. If this is a problem, don't read. Also, resources will be at the end of the post. Also I'm doing this on my phone at 4:30 in the morning, so I will edit this later, promise. Now then:

______________________

I feel like between the hours of 3-5 AM, things are just raw and real.

I'm sick. I don't even know why I'm up other than my throat is on fire and there's just some things I need to get off my chest. It's not like I have much to do anyways....

Okay. So I may have vaguely hinted at it in the past, but..... Back in August, I was at the grocery store with my mom. She was gathering things up and sent me to get popcorn. And there was a guy there stocking shelves. He was way too old for me, had dark hair.... 

He started talking to me, like attempting to flirt. I kind of blew it off, told him I don't swing that way (IE, not interested in boys in case that wasn't obvious). He didn't get it. I opened my dumb mouth and said I was taken advantage of before (Yuugi). Then the fucker decided to hug me, NON CONSENSUALLY, and run his fucking fingers through my hair. It felt gross and wrong and disgusting and just all kinds of violating. He then proceeded to ask for my number. My answer? "Yeah you'd like that, wouldn't you?"

I ran. I hid in the bathroom and texted my friend. I didn't tell anyone for four days and barely ate. I thought no one would believe me or my mom would be mad I didn't give him my number. She absolutely was NOT mad at me, and eventually told someone.

He didn't get fired though. He was still working there last November. And I, again, stopped eating. It's dumb, I'm aware.

I am aware that it gives him power he shouldn't have. But at the same time it felt like control. Like I could do this and it would make up for it. And all of this is just so fucking DUMB.

It's sent my anxiety through the roof. Like seriously, I can't hardly stand almost anyone closer than arms length from me, with only about three exceptions. Anyone goes near my hair and I freak out. I realize there are girls going through far worse but everyone.... Everyone feels things differently.

And why am I telling you guys this? ....because I have an honesty policy here. This is my safe place, and one of my goals this year was to be my truest self. That means telling you the truth. Even if it isn't safe to tell you everything yet (even though I kinda have), I just.... I felt ready.

And now I think I'm ready to try and sleep. Thanks for listening. Stay strong, and I love you. Also, resources for anyone who may need them are here, here, and here.

Sincerely,

-Katie

Some stuff you should be aware of! :D

Okay so first off, HAPPY 2016! :D

Second, I MADE A THING. Idk how relevant it is, but anyways, you can check it out HERE. :)

Third, GOALS. GAH. Okay, so for those unaware, I do run a fanfic blog over HERE and I post (semi) regularly (PS, some posts are really weird and NSFW. You have been warned). Here, not so much. But this is mostly just like a journal, and honestly too many people close to me irl read it for me to post anything that is REALLY going on in my life. So, unfortunately, this got kind of neglected. Well, that and work/school. BUT NO MORE! :D

One of my goals for 2016 is to be my truest self, and part of that means being honest about who I am and my life. So... so...... Sigh. Not yet. I have to do that SAFELY. That is the number one piece of advice EVERYONE has been dishing out (Even my BFF....). So, not yet. But with any luck, at SOME POINT I will be able to tell you the full truth.

ALSO! Activism is another thing I want to do this year. An I either want to revive the project (GASP! Shoot me a comment if you don't know what I am talking about), or more advocacy for LGBT related causes. Which, knowing my mom, is probably going to result in a shit storm. :/ Yeah....

Also school is a thing. Figuring out my major is a thing I should probably work on too. Hmm..... Anyways yeah! Also VEDA (Subscribe to my Youtube channel if you are interested in watching me babble about my day). An just all sorts of things. :) This is gonna be a good year, I can feel it. Or maybe I'm just hoping. But I can do all of the above if I want.

I hope you choose to stay and be a part of all of my (mis)adventures and journey's! :)

Sincerely,
Katie