SCREW PAIN.

I AM SO TIRED OF ALWAYS HURTING.

I WOKE UP IN THE WORST PAIN SINCE THE ACCIDENT THIS MORNING. EVEN THE MORNING AFTER THE ACCIDENT DIDN'T HURT AS BAD AS I DID THIS MORNING. Oh wait.....

I never told y'all officially I was in a car accident. :/ Damn, now I have to talk about it. Well, Y'all deserve the truth. The only reason I've been avoiding it was because I just wasn't ready to face it. But I think I might finally be ready to. So let's just try okay? No promises that I'll make it all the way through the story, but... I'll do my best.

Sigh. So last Wednesday me and my mom were on our way to my therapy appointment, and things were really really tense between us. I just wanted her to talk to me but she wouldn't. So I was sitting in the car wrapped up in my head, when we turned. We were going the speed limit, but then the light turned red at the next stop-light/intersection thing. and there was another car there, so I assumed my mom would stop the car. But the car didn't stop. She hit the breaks, but.... It just.... I don't know. I saw it coming as we got closer, and.... And I thought I was going to die. I screamed and closed my eyes. But somehow I opened them back up after the impact. My thighs burned, and so did my hands, but it subsided after a while. Everything after was unimportant, I just had to stay calm because I didn't want to upset my mom any more. She was already hysterical, and I just had to swallow everything and become numb to protect her it felt like. I still haven't completely let it all go, maybe that's why I still hurt. And the miracle? Everyone walked away. Our car is totaled, and it looked like those accidents you see where people end up in the hospital with broken things, and major injuries. But we walked away. My mom has a concussion. I'm still in pain, and now my damn bladder is acting up and I'm going for an MRI tomorrow morning to make sure I don't have a back injury or something.

I'm scared as fuck to be perfectly honest. My anxiety was so bad when I was in the car the first few days after the accident that I was having panic attacks. Now it isn't as bad. As long as I don't think about it and focus on the music playing I'm okay. But this damn pain JUST WON'T FUCKING STOP. And it SUCKS! I can't fangirl, I can't laugh, I can't cough or sneeze or sniffle without it hurting! Even just sitting here if I move funny I hurt! I can't be too loud or it hurts, I can't be dramatic or I hurt. I JUST FUCKING HURT ALL THE TIME!!!!

I'm going back to the doctor today to try and figure something out about it. I'm also scared because Wednesday night I had a dream I peed myself when I hung out with my friends on Friday, and I'm so scared it's going to become a reality, because I'm being sedated for the MRI and my bladder is already being a pain and making me always have to pee. What if? What if that nightmare comes true? I can't afford to think like that but I keep finding myself thinking about what I would do if it did happen. I'm sorry to keep going on like this but I can't help it. I just haven't been able to get all of this out and now I finally have.

Thank you for listening to me.
-Katie