IS MA BIRFDAY!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D

To be official, I was born at exactly five o'clock in the afternoon.

I gave my mom hell in the delivery room too. :P So yeah, I'M SEVENTEEN!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D And I already watched the Ustream again. :P click here if you have no idea what I am talking about: http://blessingind.blogspot.com/2012/08/omozdfnglkxfdnhlmxdgnhlkvc.html

IN OTHER MORE IMPORTANT NEWS: BIG TIME DECISION IS TONIGHT!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D That is the name of the new episode of Big Time Rush. everyone has been FREAKING OUT on twitter about it all week! And everyone is like, favorite for Jo and Kendall or  retweet for Lucy and Kendall. And I am always the weirdo who does both. :P But it's gotten quite heated....

AND ONE OF MY FAVORITE SONGS OFF OF ELEVATE (Their CD) IS GOING TO BE IN THE EPISODE AND WE ARE ALL FANGIRLING ABOUT THAT TOO!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D Yeah, tonight shall be epic. :)

And then I have writer's group today, so that will be super amazing too! It will be like a mini-party! :D And then my aunt booked a hair appointment for me at this fancy salon. :O I am REALLY looking forward to that too. :D I have no doubts that today will be just as amazing as my sweet sixteen. :) And this year My Blessing WON'T be going into the hospital three days later. :D

IN OTHER MORE BIZARRE NEWS: I dreamed I met up with one of my twitter followers in eral life, got put in a hunger games situation turned avatar the last air bender with a guy at work, and then ended up in a situation with one of...... the TV shows from my childhood. And that is all I have to say on the matter.

IM'MA GO TYPE UP A SECOND DRAFT NOW SINCE MY COMPUTER BE BUSTED SO BAI!!!! :D

-Katie

I CAN'T SLEEP!!!! :D

Why am I so excited about that?

....................I have no idea! :D But she has no idea, no idea... Sorry. :P I CANNOT WAIT FOR BIG TIME DECISION TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :O

I'm kind of more excited for that than my own birthday to be perfectly honest. :P I'm hungry........

BAI! :D
-Katie

Trying.

My brother is downstairs raging.

In case you don't know, raging means he gets mad, loud, and possibly violent. This one is almost as bad as the one the other day.

This just fucking sucks. When my blessing does this it makes it so hard to not cut. Not that I have anything to use, but if I really wanted to, I could probably find something. But that would make things even harder around here.

Idk, just trying to keep going on....
Katie

Blah.

I hate when I have freaky dreams.

Sigh. And now I have to divulge them all to you because A: I don't want them to come true and B: you are probably curious by now. Sigh.

Dream numero uno: So.... It's kind of a mix of things. It started out as toy story three, and Lotso was like, trying to keep everyone in line. and then there was the whole Barbie and Ken thing going on, but Ken looked like James Maslow. O_O Yes, it is as weird as it sounds. And worst of all, he was cheating on Barbie (Me) with another doll. O.o And then I ended up naked, with A SWEET GUY FROM WORK ON THE COUCH IN FULL VIEW OF MY NAKEDNESS and I dove behind a couch with one of my choir directors behind there, pregnant (SHE IS NOT!!!) giving me advice. I then somehow ended up in the bathroom posting on some forum about peeing myself. (?????????)

Dream 2: I don't quite remember how the above transitioned into this- Oh yeah! I was being forced to work at some creepy halloween chuckie cheese type thing and it Ended up as as Jonas Brother's concert! :D I was in the front row, and Nick ran off, and ended up on the side, with a bag of pretzel sticks and a juice box because his blood sugar was low. I walked over to him and he was like, all hesitant to admit it, and then the stage caught fire. :O So like, everyone was being cleared, and I somehow ended up outside of the arena with the Jonas'. At least with Joe. we somehow ended up on tour together, and they were trying to figure out what started the fire. They thought they had it fixed, but it wasn't and it caught fire again. At this point they figured out it wasn't what they thought it was, but actually a blue sparkly shirt. the material was causing the fire when the pyro went off. And then I somehow ended up at a therapist with Mrs. Jonas (Again, ????????) and somehow me and Nick got seperated and I ended up in a weird place and my dog was having puppies, and....... Yeah, you get the picture.

The point is, IF I DID NOT TELL SOMEONE THAN THERE WOULD BE A FIRE AT THE JONAS BROTHERS SHOW IN NY!!!!!!!!!!!!! So...... That's all I gots! :)

-Katie

Oh dear!

MY JOB HAS TURNED ME INTO A MORNING PERSON!!!!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I am NOT supposed to be a morning person!!! >:( wait, I've always been a morning person, especially when I was younger. :/ I AM VERY CONFUSED AND HYPER RIGHT NOW!!!

Well, that's probably the espresso and excitement talking. One of the many beauties of homeschooling is that I can go baby sit my adorable little cousin at eight in the morning! :D

She's a doll. And she's all mine this morning!! :) and now to enjoy my latte!

Peas out yo! :P
-Katie

Relapse.

It happens.

I'm not gonna say what I used A: because I don't want to give anyone ELSE ideas and B: this is already going to be used against me.

I was almost two weeks out.... Why? So much shit has gone down. Again, no details. But if it was bad enough for a relapse, that should give you a pretty good clue as to how bad it was. I don't care if a guy likes me. I'm probably just imagining things anyways.

I can't do anything right. My boss is always pissed at me, and I never make him happy. Wonder what he would say if he saw these marks on my arms....

I am so tempted to find out.
-Katie

augh!!!!

My anxiety is making me paranoid again...

So I had this dream last night that....... well to be perfectly blunt, I dreamed that I was all shaky and tired like I am now and then I kept peeing my pants. And I had no control over it! D: You SEE why I is freaking out now!?!?!?!?!

And it wasn't at home either! No, why would my subconscious be nice enough to let me be at HOME??? I was at work when all of this was happening!!!! AND THERE WAS A SWEET, CUTE BOY THERE TOO. X__X And IT KEPT HAPPENING OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN FRONT OF PEOPLE!!!!! AND I WAS WEARING WHAT I HAVE ON NOW!!!!!!!!!!! Can things GET any more panic-worthy?????

Sigh. I guess there isn't much I can do really. Whatever's gonna happen is gonna happen. On a different, less irritating note, my mom's best friend (Hi Ms. Kristy! :) and my.... best friend's mom and my mom are reading this blog on a semi-regular basis. O.o Not that I find it weird, just...... interesting I appeal more to adults than teens. Sigh. Guess I'm not that great of a writer after all, huh?
Sorry if this post grossed/creeped you out. I'm just very superstitious and have to tell SOMEONE, otherwise it WILL come true for sure. And as much as you say that that isn't possible, IT HAPPENED LAST OCTOBER SO IT IS VERY LIKELY. Xp

-Katie

TIME TO FANGIRL!!!!! :D:D:D:D

SHE HAS NO IDEA, NO IDEA, I'M STANDING HERE, I'M STANDING HEEEEEEEEEEERRE!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

OMFG I LOVE NO IDEA. AND COVERGIRL. I JUST CANNOT PLAY THOSE TWO SONGS ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

Sorry, I just........ I'm in the mood to fangirl! :D But unfortunately my twitter has been compromised supposedly. -______________- CURSE YOU HACKERS OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!! Wow, THAT brings back memories...... And not real pleasant ones either........ Not the point.

Point is....... Well, I really don't have a point. :P SING IT GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D

Just listen to this and everything will make perfect sense. And if it doesn't, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SEXY IS!!!! Okay, this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_ejzHAQkPw

OMG IS THAT NOT AMAZING!?!?!?!?!?! xD

-Katie

ow.

I have a bump on my forehead.

I think it is a zit forming..... >_< Oh well. I had a really weird dream last night.... It involved work and a guy and...... some other stuff I'd rather not mention. Point is.... I feel the need to turn some of my dreams into stories. That give me an idea! :D

-Katie

I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAACK! :)

Feels good to finally post a smiley face.

Yeah, long story short my parents found out everything that has been going on, and took away social networking for the weekend. But then my mom let me back on ONLY to check on James because I told her he had food poisoning. :(( POOR JAMES!!!!!!!!!!! 

xD Anyways, things..... are gonna change around here. This blog...... My parents don't want me using it as a diary, but.... I don't know. Things are just REALLY gonna change around here. This blog, my life, my house.....

And I'm also fighting to keep my twitter. I AM FRIENDS WITH SO MANY COOL PEOPLE ON THERE. Some of them may even be reading this. So.... if you are, I LOVE YOU! xD In a totally non-creepy way though. :P But rest assured, I AM NOT GIVING UP MY TWITTER WITHOUT A FIGHT.

So.... Just bare with me as I get better. I may not always be happy, but I'll always be honest with you. I just.... this blog and every single person reading it mean so much to me. This is my FUTURE. RIGHT HERE. Even the doctor read this and said aside from the fact that I was flat-out cussing and talking about some very depressing things, that it was very well written. And that made me feel really good. Like I DO have a purpose. Like I AM worth fighting for. And right now, I am going through the final phases I guess of becoming a Rusher.

I mean, I guess I always WAS a rusher. I fangirled, I knew stuff, I stayed through stupid bitches starting drama..... But now in turn I'm finding relief in those boys. I am almost always either listening to "No Idea" or "Covergirl." Those boys...... I think they've kind of kept me fighting until this happened. And one day I want to hug them and tell them thank you. This is the second time they've saved me. And I just...... I told my mom last night that Kendall believes that every single girl out there is beautiful in some way. That, and he would probably kill me if he knew what had been happening. I don't think I would have blamed him either. But yeah. I AM A RUSHER AND I AIN'T CHANGIN FOR NO BODY! I GONNA ELEVATE!!!! xD But yeah. And so........

THE WRITTEN JOURNEY BEGINS AGAIN. :)
-Katie

fighting.

Still not sure why tho.

Or who I'm fighting for. But I am. I may go up and down a lot, but I'm fighting. And even when I'm cutting I'm fighting. I'm fighting to control the side of me that says I NEED to die. When I cut.... It helps me hold on to my sanity.

It just..... It's hard to explain. It just makes me slow down and focus on one thing. As unhealthy as that is, it keeps me held together for a few seconds. I just wish I had ONE FRIEND to tell everything to. One person to listen and fangirl and someone who accepts my fetish. I mean, I thought I had that, but I didn't. Whatever. Who fucking cares about any of this?

-Katie

meh.

Maybe I should kill myself, maybe I shouldn't.

I probably shouldn't, but no one would miss me. I know people like me, but........ I just don't get it.

all I do is mope around. I just... I have to keep reminding myself: I'M FEARLESS. Kendall Schmidt thinks I'm beautiful, James David Maslow noticed me TWICE (I will fangirl about that forever. ;) I camped out to meet Nick Jonas, and countless other more personal battles I've fought and won. But.... I had a friend through all that and now I don't.

And another thing: I have a feeling if my mom gets on twitter tonight, I am going to get HELL in the morning. I kinda tweeted about wanting to kill myself tonight, and I've been tweeting about cutting a lot lately.....

night.
-Katie

I can't fucking take this any more!!!

I JUST FUCKING CAN'T OKAY?!?!?!?!?!

I fucking hate that from the minute I walk in the door I am pushed farther and farther and you know what?! I CAN'T FUCKING GO ANY FARTHER!!!!!! I am GOING to cut myself tonight and I am GOING to bleed and I am GOING to enjoy it because nothing else is worth it. Nothing is worth fighting for. No one cares about me, no one is ever going to want me, and you know what? The world would just be better off without me!

-Katie

Mah.

This has just not been a good week.

I have my boss breathing down my neck, FML on my right arm, NO BEST FRIEND, A desire to lose massive amounts of blood as well as my life, and now I get to add that I am sick.

And- WTF? MY BLESSING IS HAVING ABDOMINAL PAINS AGAIN!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Seriously, I just want to die. FUCK. MY. LIFE. Where's my knife?!

....................Um, maybe I should finish this post first. Eh, it's not like I have anything else to share. I am a pathetic perverted loser, with no friends, no one who understands me, and nothing ever goes right anymore.

I'm coming for you knife.
-Katie

Still here.....

Barely though.

So I fucking hate my job. I fucking hate working so much and I fucking hate working mornings. I fucking hate that I have to get rid of my butterflies and I fucking hate that my boss is constantly breathing down my neck. I fucking hate that I am allowed to cut and have those marks but not my butterflies which are KEEPING me from cutting my other arm. I fucking hate getting yelled at all the time. I fucking hate always having to pretend I am happy when I'd rather just be cutting or dead. I fucking hate everything.

Yeah, I just wrote that. -_- Oh well. I seriously just wanted to cut myself so fucking bad in the middle of the lunch rush. If I was smart I would keep my little red bag up front. but of course i'm a fucking idiot and hide it in my purse which I keep in the office. FML.

-Katie

Can't fight yet can't die...

I just want to die.

I seriously wish I had the pain threshold to cut my arm until I bleed and pass out from blood loss. I wouldn't mind if I died.

But I know that would hurt so many people. But I'm all alone! M best friend and I aren't friends anymore and it's all my fault. I thought we would always be friends, but now....

If I can't trust the one thing I thought would always be there, then what's left? It's not like I'm little miss social butterfly here.

I just want the pain and suffering to stop! Or at the least slow down! Is it too much to ask for someone to be there and not reject me for who I am? Is that too fucking much to ask? I don't think it is, but apparently I am nothing more than a friendless pervert at the moment.

And another thing: I am keeping the FML on my arm.

-Katie

I'm not proud.

But.....

So much has happened. I'm not going to go into details, but..... Just never be ashamed to ask for help. Wether you talk to your parents or call a hotline, if you need help get it.

I wanted to kill myself today. So I called a hotline. It helped. It made me slow down and think before I did something I regretted. Well..... Something worse than carving FML into my arm anyways. Point is I'm low right now. I'm all alone and it doesn't look too good from where im at. But I'll come back. I've done it before and I can do it again.

IN OTHER NEWS: I think this dude at work might like me. xD seriously tho. He asked this other cashier to ask me if I was okay. She ratted him out tho. ;) and then we started to talk about dating.....

Yeah. So I am gonna get it tomorrow if the marks are still there. I wonder how my boss is gonna make me cover up my marks. :/ I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. Everyone is gonna see them and ask, "OMFG did you do that?!"

But at the same time I am not ashamed of my marks. They're battle scars I guess... Whatever.

Maybe they'll fade in the night....
-Katie

FML. WARNING: LOTS OF F-BOMBS AHEAD.

I want to utter so many profanities that your ears would bleed.

But I have more respect for you and myself than to do that. I f---ing hate my life. I hate digestive tract problems!!!!! I mean how f---ing hard is it?!?! You eat, you swallow, and then later you poop! How the f--- does the system get so f---ed up?

Wow, that was a lot of censored words. Who the f--- cares? My grandmother is going to the emergency room and it's all my brother's fault. She even said so. I want to cut myself SO FUCKING BAD right now. I'm trying to be strong, but....... just screw it all. FUCK MY LIFE.

I'm sorry to be so profane. I just..... I'm scared. And I hurt. This isn't the first time that this has happened. And the last time it happened it was on my birthday. And my grandmother lost a good portion of her colon. what if that happens again? What if..... What if she never comes home? I fucking hate my life. I fucking hate everything. And to be honest I don't see the point in staying strong any more. Everything is just too much right now and I just.... I have to cut. I'm sorry, but I do. I can't go one day without something happening, and I'm just fed up with it all.

screw my life.
-Katie

OMG OMG OMG OMG.

Breathe, breathe.....

I HAVE 19 PAGEVIEWS TODAY!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D But I think they may be mine. -_____- Well, I'M JUST GONNA PRETEND THEY'RE NOT CUZ THEY MAY NOT BE. :D:D

And if they ain't mine, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D Okay, I have nothing else to really post about. Just had to share. :P I'm hungry and my head hurts. :( Oh well. I'ma go get some food and then work on..... something. ;D

-Katie

Happy post. :)

This blog has been too depressing lately.

So let's make it happy! And how can we make it happy? WITH HOT BIG TIME RUSH VIDEOS!!!!!!! :D Wait.....

It's occurring to me that all I ever post about is either how my life sucks or Big Time Rush. eh, who cares? ON WITH THE HOTNESS! :D

Video 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wLHjV_BV_7Q&list=PL3EAA5883F9FFF9DF&index=1&feature=plpp_video

Video 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qiTAPRUqEwQ&feature=bf_next&list=PL3EAA5883F9FFF9DF

Video 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dh7z60l0NlM&feature=bf_next&list=PL3EAA5883F9FFF9DF

Video 4: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ApvEKJcgrY&feature=bf_next&list=PL3EAA5883F9FFF9DF

Is your brain melted yet? Nooo? Well, I HAVE THE PERFECT VIDEO FOR THAT!!!!!!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lol. Here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWO8FuRPvjk&feature=bf_next&list=PL3EAA5883F9FFF9DF

And now we are all in fangirl mode. :D

You're welcome.
-Katie

Why I look up to BTR: YOU MUST READ THIS IF YOU HAVE A HEART.

Okay, first, we need to have a back story.

Okay so a few weeks back on twitter there was this story about this little 8 year old girl who was dying of leukemia. They had done all they could, so her mom had brought her back home and brought hospice in and her dying wish was to meet Big Time Rush.

Well, they sent her a video message, and they were trying to rearrange their schedule so they could meet her. But she died before they could. Everyone was so sad, and then.... This happened last night: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pz0e9rQQW30&feature=g-user-f and then this happened: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jbk42Apd9Q&feature=context-gch And then Logan cried backstage. THAT right there is why they are the most perfect people on this planet. I just....

It makes me feel so good. And not just because they noticed me, but because I think they really do care about every single fan they have. They may not know us all individually, but they know how much they mean to us, and therefore we mean that much to them. And.... Yeah. I just had to get that out there. Rest in peace little Warrior Princess. :')

-Katie

k.

Well, I am not the ONLY person in dance class who is rhythmically challenged....

Not that that is much of a win for today. -____- I am going to go grab some food and then go to bed. Maybe I will have something happy to post tomorrow.

-Katie

Oh my gosh.

Okay wow.

I AM EIGHT PAGEVIEWS FROM 500!!!!!!!!! :O And I have my first dance class tonight and I am REALLY nervous! Why am I nervous?

.........Eh, what the heck? I can't dance. I WANT to be able to dance, but I can't. I have no rhythm, no coordination, and gravity already hates me enough. I don't know why I am doing this other than for a PE credit. I'd RATHER spend tonight working on my story that I just got to a really interesting point in and be able to go to bed early since I once again have to be at work at EIGHT IN THE MORNING. =____= Why did I beg for hours again?

Oh that's right. I desperately need the money so I can have a car to live in a year from now. Yes, things are still bad with my parents. I think they are trying, but at the same time I don't think they are. They're going to think whatever they want to think about me. I just have to learn not to let it get to me and to be my own person and accept myself the way I am. Which brings me back to making plans so that I CAN be that person and be happy too.

I just.... I'm beginning to lose faith in myself. What if I am the person my parents think I am? What if I am just a sick pervert? But.... I can't afford to think that way. Not right now. I have to focus on school, my job, my future.... Oh my future....

THAT is what is killing me the most right now. That thanks to my damn computer and my lack of knowledge and being outed, my future and my goals and dreams are all gone. they vanished when my parents rejected me. And now I am going to have to fight for everything. I could go on and on but I have to go finish getting ready for dance class.

Until next time....
-Katie

Oh my God.

Guys. I'm not even kidding when I say this.

JENETTE FREAKIN MCCURDY IS FOLLOWING MY TWITTER!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D And you wanna know what my mom said to my dad? "Our daughter is getting a little too chummy with celebrities." :P

I AM FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! First JAMES EFFIN MASLOW notices me and my bandana awesomeness at the concert in Dallas (CLICK HERE IF YOU DID NOT ALREADY KNOW THAT:http://www.blessingind.blogspot.com/2012/07/post-concert-hangover-and-concert.html PICTURES OF THAT GLORIUS DAY: http://www.blessingind.blogspot.com/2012/07/bandana-woman.html  ) Then BTR did the Macarena for me (AND JAMES WISHED ME A HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! Oh, and again, CLICK HERE IF YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THAT:  http://www.blessingind.blogspot.com/2012/08/omozdfnglkxfdnhlmxdgnhlkvc.html ) And now THIS?!?!?!?!

................I'm starting to think I have superpowers or something. xD BUT SERIOUSLY THO. BIG DEAL. And um, *Cough* follow me on twitter? :) @Cupcakerusher16

But before that, me and my best friend had a heart to heart. I won't go into details, but........ I needed that. :) Thank you best friend o' mine.

And now I am going to go write/stalk twitter until dinner is ready! :D

-Katie, the celebrity charmer

PS: Like the new name? :P

SING IT JAMES!!!!

xD

Yeah, that IS my title. :D I think I am just a WEEE bit crazy. CARLOS! :D

.........yeah, I have nothing to pos about. I just want some oatmeal. :L

SERIOUSLY, WHY DOES CARLOS WANNA PARTY LIKE IT NINETYNINE????? O.o

-Katie

=__=

I HATE MORNINGS.

I have to get up at SEVEN IN THE MORNING. I have to be at work at EIGHT IN THE MORNING. I hate being up before ELEVEN IN THE MORNING. This is what I get for begging for hours....

And another thing: I am starting to wonder why I got that huge spike in views the other day. They were all on a certain post, where I mention self harming. And just so we are clear I am NOT FOR THAT. I have my reasons why I do it, but YOU SHOULD NEVER SELF HARM IN ANY WAY.

You are too beautiful. I'm not, but you are. And you are too special to hurt yourself like that. I know you may not believe me and think I have a double standard here, but just trust me okay? It isn't gonna make the PROBLEM go away, just the pain.

Wow, that took an emotional turn. but yeah. I thought I'd fill y'all in before I went to bed. And suddenly I smell eggs..... O.o

Night!
-Katie

Why me?

I mean seriously.

I am EXHAUSTED. And to think I have to work ALMOST 30 HOURS THIS WEEK. -________- I HAD to beg my boss for hours didn't I? Stupid stupid me.

Not that I am complaining. I mean I get paid for everything I do. Plus today I get the chance for tips. But Like..... I start school tomorrow.

Maybe I'll just like, do some of my school on break and am I MAD?!?!?!?! What the F--- am I thinking????? Oh, and I self harmed again last night.

I mean like, I'm not proud of it. But like, I got all tired and depressed all of a sudden. I didn't even feel like myself when I did it. I was all like, "Huh. I don't have my scars anymore. I need to fix that." And like, the second I raked my staple puller across my skin It bled because the scars WERE still there. I have no idea why I am sharing all of this. I doubt any of you actually care.

RANDOM DIALOGUE TIME: "I was working on it before you started sniffing my hair." :3 Yeah.........

I gotta go get ready for work. -______________-

-Katie