I AM ALIVE DO NOT WORRY

I really need a distraction right now.

Like I am so anxious it isn't even funny. Also I never post here anymore. I don't MEAN to neglect this. I really don't. But I also have started up my fanfic blog, and, well.... I kind of have more fun posting my writing.

Not to say that this isn't fun either! I just.... I have so much pre-written over there, all I have to do is slap a warning label on it and it's off and running. Here I have to sit and think about a post, write my thoughts, rewrite, tag.... Yeah I'm not making a good post am I?

Sigh. Well anyways, I've finished my first semester at college. It was..... amazing. I honestly did not think I would succeed. I thought I was going to get overwhelmed and fail all my classes. I didn't. And I made friends too! Lots of friends. Another thing I didn't think was possible.

And.... And I found someone I kind of have an amorous thing for. And they like me back. And it's.... It's perfect. And amazing, and wonderful, and everything I never thought I would have or get or deserve. And yet they give that to me every single day. And I can't thank them enough for it. <3 :p="" a:="" and="" are="" b:="" hoping="" i="" is="" m="" mom="" my="" nd="" not.="" p="" reading="" really="" that="" they="" this="">
And I'm still working, but not at the same place where my favorite person got fired and our district manager was a complete and total bitch. It is GLORIOUS not getting out at ungodly hours of the night. Actually, I usually get put in midday, which is even NICER. And the mall I am at now is dead, which is GLORIOUS, because I can clean and clean and clean to my hearts content. You guys know how much I enjoy cleaning.

But yeah. The last four months? Incredible. Amazing. Spectacular. Everything I thought I would never have. This semester was an amazing confidence booster. And I honestly cannot WAIT to go back in the spring. :)

And now I'm not so anxious either! :D Lol small wonders never cease. :P

Sincerely,
-Katie

PS: If you really want to see my fanfic, Click here. Be warned though, it's kinky, erotic, and just weird sometimes. If you have the stomach for that, then by all means, click away. :P

3 years. TRIGGER WARNING (For literally everything)

I've been trying to make this post for a couple of weeks now.

And I just haven't been able to find the right words. But.... But I think it's time, and I think I'm ready.

Okay, so.... first off, MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNING. Today we are going to talk about depression, suicide, and self-harm, mainly in the form of cutting. If that is a problem for you, Click HERE and you will be directed to the US suicide hotline. Or, if you like to stay in a happy bubble, click HERE for something adorable.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Now then. I.... It was September 10th, 2012, the day I tried to end my life. The only reason I know that is because the day I did it, I posted about it. With pictures. And I've been asked by people (IE, my mother), why I don't take it down. Why I don't take anything from that period in my life down.

The honest answer, is because it's the only way I can REMEMBER anything. It's like a giant hole in my memory where that chunk of time is. Like I remember that day. I remember what happened, and why I did it. She abandoned me. And that sounds so stupid, but she was literally the only thing I had going for me. The more I think about before though, I see how much she was hurting too. Her mom didn't make the right call on the situation, but that's a different story for a different day.

What I DO remember is that my boys were there for me, through it all. All the tears I cried, all the times I really debated trying again, all the times I called myself a coward for not doing it. I didn't even bother to write a suicide note I was so desperate.

I.... I guess what I'm trying to say is.... Don't do it. Don't try to, don't think about it.... but if you are, and you're looking for a reason, any reason NOT to, here it is. You are precious. You are beautiful. You mean everything to me, and you have no idea how much the loss of your life will impact us. Suicide is a PERMANENT solution for a TEMPORARY problem. If you're dealing with abuse, there is help. You can and you WILL escape it one day. I promise. If you've been raped, it is NOT your fault, and there are so many resources for you. You CAN and you WILL heal, I promise. If you're dealing with an eating disorder, or body image issues, you are SO BEAUTIFUL. I've never met you but I know you are.

September is/was suicide prevention month. It's a cause that's very close to my heart, because it nearly ended my life. If I can get better, then I know you can too. It's been three years since I attempted to end my life. They have been the most insane, best, worst, amazing, incredible, WONDERFUL years. You have no idea what it's been for me. And to anyone who helped me along the way. To the people who've talked me out of hurting myself again, to the people who stayed up late listening to me, to the people who were just THERE. THANK YOU. You have no idea what your support means to me. Thank you.

Sincerely,
-Katie

Katie and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad, wibbly wobbly (and slightly timey-whimey) Monday

Long title = long post. :P

Well, maybe. Anyways, yesterday was CARAAAAAAZY. Like seriously. It started out really good. We were actually running early for once (We're usually scrambling to get out the door on time). So early, in fact, that we had time to stop for Starbucks! :D

But then the barista messed up my order. :( Sigh. Then I went to English class. Not a big deal, right? It's supposed to be my best subject. But I didn't do my homework right (Which means I get counted absent for Friday, because that homework counts as my attendance since we don't go to class on Fridays). Bummer.

And then, as I'm leaving class, I realize my TARDIS wallet isn't in my bag, and that the pouch was open. No one had walked past me. WTF?!?!?! So I then spent thirty minutes scouring the classroom and having to get across campus to check with student life to see if they had it. They did not. So I then had to get in the car and call the bank to cancel my card and pray that I wasn't late for math class. Which I was.

And then it turns out my wallet was in the car the whole time!! WTAF?!?!?!?!?!?! So Good news is, I have my wallet! Bad news? I froze my account and now have no access to my money until I get a new card. in a week. FML.

And then, unsurprisingly, Nathan flipped his shit yesterday, but he crossed a line and completely trashed all the laundry my grandmother had worked so hard to fold. You can imagine how well THAT went over with my grandparents.... Um. Yeah. So shit went down yesterday.

I'm hoping Wednesday is better. Actually, I KNOW Wednesday will be better, because GEEK STUFF/LITTLE KIDS/FUN TIMES/YAY! :D Also: I TURN 20 IN SEVEN DAYS!!!! :D:D:D:D

Soo that's all I've got for you today. :P See y'all next time!

Sincerely,
-Katie

Another letter to her

It always scares me when you get in my dreams.

Especially like you did last night. It makes me worried you're saying goodbye, or that you're doing something stupid and I WON'T BE THERE TO FIX IT. And it always hurts too. I want you to know that. I know that you have no control over it (Unless you are a ghost already), but it still hurts. It hurt so bad I didn't want to go back to sleep. It hurt so much.

But last night.... You were attempting to kill yourself. And only because I know the truth does that terrify me. Then, for once in your life, you actually listened to me, and let me help you. We got you things, to help you take control, but then I was an IDIOT and gave you a tool which you could easily use to hurt yourself (I know I did). And then you left and completely blew me off.

Do you know how much that HURTS? Ask the person I told. I was so torn up I messaged her at six this morning. It hurts. I know you don't want me back, but it would be really nice if we didn't hate each other. Actually, no, I don't hate you. I've never hated you. But you seem to have hated me. Maybe you still do. But I realize we've had to do this the hard way. If we hadn't, I don't think I would be who I am right now.

It just scares me, and it kills me to know that you could off yourself and I would never know. I would never know that I lost you. Do you realize how hard that is? I lost you once, but losing you twice would destroy me.

Just think about that, okay?

Sincerely,
-Katie

I have trust issues.

Let's make a list of reasons why, shall we?

1. Ted. Yuugi. Idk if I ever said his first name or screen name here. But yeah, that was all kinds of wrong. 24-year-old Strung along a stupid, naive 17-year-old girl. Played on her insecurities, indulged in her childish fantasies, then she ends it and you become a fucking pervert. Yeah, let that one just sink in. And the kicker? He's too damn far away and it was all online, so does the 17 year old girl get her justice/vengeance? No, she has to take it, take it like she deserves it. Something is VERY wrong with that.

2. Cass. I'm past it for the most part. What's done is done. I can't get her back, I can't change the past and in all honesty, I'm not sure I would. But at the same time, she was literally the only person I trusted, and for her to abandon me like she did.... It stung. It still hurts to think about it. I've yet to let anyone that close to me again. Not even my own mother.

3. My mom. Yeah, I think it's about time I put this out there. She and I have VERY different opinions on a lot of things. Fetishes, homo/bisexuality, being Trans, whether or not I am a lesbian (NEWSFLASH! MY CHOICE!)....

4. Just boys in general. Like seriously, When I was sixteen, a GUY talked me into working 40 hours a week. I was 16 PEOPLE. Then another guy proceeded to place impossible standards on me until I cracked and bled (In his bathroom, and yes this is still work). Then we could talk about SJ (Nickname, not his fault really but still). Or Dude who I caught stealing at work (I know it was him, no one else except me and him use the boys bathroom). Wait, I may have said too much....

5. Every fucking thing that ended up happening to me after Cassidy abandoned me and I had to rebuild my life from scratch. Jennifer being a fucking bitch (Which she was) and bullying me, and only ADDING to the self-loathing and hatred. How much I just hated existing. How it took forever to let Thomas and Rachel in.

Yeah. I'm just.... having one of those times where I'm overthinking and feel gross in my own skin. I'm not gonna say why. The important people know, I'll say that much. But.... I'm about 9000% sure I'm a lesbian. And that I'm depressed again. Sort of. Or getting there. I don't even know any more, I just know I'm tired of getting screwed over and being left to deal with it all on my own. And that I want help. But I can't have it. Because to get it I have to tell my mother, and I'm sorry but that is just NOT going to happen.

I just...... I needed to ex-spell some of this negative energy swirling inside of me. I just have to make it to Tuesday.... I have to.

Sincerely,
-Katie

Life update! PROCEED WITH CAUTION. :P

I'm gone and I still have the songs I had to listen to at work stuck in my head. >.<

Anyways, I never truly explained my post yesterday morning, or school, or really anything. I think I owe y'all another mild life update. Or maybe I shouldn't post my entire life on here..... Lol. I think it's a little late for that. xD

So yeah. Lex and Los are gonna compete AGAINST each other on DWTS this September! :D Yes, I am going to go twice as crazy as last time. No, I honestly do not care what you think. Do I need to remind you what Carlos, James, Kendall, and Logan mean to me? They saved my life. The least I can do is support them. That sounds weird, doesn't it? Well, I'm not the only one who supports them individually as well as collectively. I honestly would not be who I am today without them. So yes, I am going to be going crazy with this. Just a little. :P

And yes, I am going to post highlights/reminders to vote. Just accept that as a large part of this blog. :P And did I mention Los AND Lex are BOTH doing this? :D So votes are gonna be split down the middle. OMG! what if they both made it to the finals?! xD One week at a time I guess..

ALSO: Life. Gah. Like, EVERYTHING shifted. And I knew it would. I was ready. I think I was ready for a long time. Maybe. And the strange part is... it's easy. Okay actually I take that back. Math is a B*tch, but I knew that was coming. Which is why, as hard as it is, I'm sitting and doing two hours worth of math EVERY. NIGHT. Ugh.

But... I can do this. I have to do this. I WANT to do this. Yeah I'm thinking too much. :/ And then on top of it all, like everything that could have hiccuped this week did. Nathan was to the ER (Bladder infection and other issue I am not even going to mention), the wall in our living room had to come down, and yeah. And job hunting, can't forget that. :/ No, I don't regret leaving my job. It had to be done. It just had to. There was no way I could handle what I was dealing with and school. But I HAVE to work. There is just no way around it. But the nice thing is, I'm so qualified now, I can apply and interview and get pretty much any job I please (At least one good thing came out of my last job).

So yeah, that's where I'm at right now. Also, if you are a new reader, HI! :) I feel like we might have one..... So I am off to try and do homework (It's not hard, just tedious), and I will talk to you lovely people later! :D

sincerely,
-Katie

OMFG GUYS!!!!!!

LEX AND LOS ARE ON DWTS THIS SEPTEMBER!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D

I REPEAT! CARLOS AND ALEXA ARE *BOTH* GOING TO BE ON DANCING WITH THE STARS THIS SEPTEMBER!!!!!!! I CANNOT EVEN!!!!!!

Expect me to go even crazier this time. :D Also, life update: Everything is going crazy. I'm actually about to head out the door for class (MADE IT THROUGH THE FIRST WEEK!), and I will fill you in on EVERYTHING when I either get out or get back. ;)

Love y'all!


Sincerely,
-Katie

The three days that change everything.

So a lot is about to culminate at once for me.

Some (if not all) of it is very good. Some of it is hard. And some of it is just plain rude/stupid. But, ready or not.... here it all comes. Oh boy.

I don't think I ever truly shared this, but I start school (college) on Monday. This is long overdue, but whatever. It's HAPPENING. Remember when I didn't care if I lived long enough to actually GO to school? And now here I am, actually doing it. It's.... It's a crazy feeling. But I think I'm ready. The schools I'm going to are actually pretty cool. Oh, yeah. I'm attending Collin County Community College. They have three different Campus' (That is how you spell that word, right?), and I'm attending the one in Frisco (not too far of a drive). But then, as soon as class let's out there, I have to RUSH to get to McKinney (A substantially farther drive) to attend my math class. Yeah. For those of you unaware of how far that is.... Well, it's pretty far. And I have an hour to get from one class to another.

I'm really hoping someone drops at Frisco so I can take both classes there. :/ And then work. Um. I quit. Today is my last day. I honestly have no idea how to feel about it. Mostly because, well.... last night.... I'm not even sure if I'm allowed to say this, but I found some stuff someone stole while I was cleaning up the back room. Um.

Y'all know I'm a goody two-shoes. Well, actually, this isn't even that. This is about honesty and respect in the workplace. That's what all those posters in the back SAY we're supposed to do. But oh GOD was it hard to keep my composure after I told my manager. She was really chill about it all (well, as chill as you can be in that sort of situation), but something tells me that A: District manager, and possibly Loss Prevention, are going to be there today. And I have to CLOSE with suspected thief again tonight. And B: What if my district manager wants to TALK to me?! I've tried really hard to make it so I only have to talk to her when I absolutely HAVE to. Like, she has to initiate conversation, and usually it's just business-y, or about work. :/ Idk guys, maybe I'm stressing over nothing....

And finally.... Idk if I'm ready for all of this. I mean part of me is as prepared as I can be. I know where (at least one) classroom is. I have all the supplies I can reasonably get until I can get the syllabus and text books and figure it all out. But... idk how to FEEL about all of this. Does this mean I am, finally, a grown up? Am I ready for that sort of title? Or have I already been one and this is just cementing the fact?

Idk. But.... I know I want to figure out the answers to those questions. And I want to go to school. I haven't been able to say that before, but now... now I can. And I hope that maybe this makes everything less scary. At least on some level. :)

Now then, I have to go and get a new backpack (the zippers on my old one are completely broken), and then go to work. XP One more day.... and then I get Chipotle afterwards! :D lol.

Sincerely,
-Katie

A bit of job/career advice....

I am probably gonna have to write this in bits and pieces. I get so worked up over it as I recall it all...

I have not masked my distaste for my job. And in all honesty, I've put up with far more bullshit than I really should have had to. From hostile work environment, to bullying, to now unrealistic expectations and unfair standards, and inconsistent training and being understaffed.

So, for those who live in the US, you know it was tax-free weekend. For those who don't, now you do. Well, I was scheduled Friday and Saturday night. I had orientation Saturday morning. At nine in the morning. Anyone want to guess we got out on Friday night?

MIDNIGHT. Do you know how many shots of espresso it took to keep me going yesterday? FOUR. Words cannot describe how much I hated my boss. Actually, no. I didn't hate my boss per se. I hated the store manager. And our District manager. And then, as if I didn't have enough bullshit to put up with, there were only four people closing. I was told we would get SEVEN. And then, we had five racks of put backs and NO ONE was running them!

And, I am not one to typically judge or criticize people, but one of the girls closing SUCKS AT FITTING ROOM AND GO BACKS. She just does. And when she's closing, nothing EVER gets done. And she was closing. It took my mom calling and yelling at my boss for me to finally get out of there. But here's the thing, before you go crazy: I GOT TOLD WE WOULD BE DONE BY ELEVEN. It got so bad I was pulling my hair. That's a form of self-harm and it's in reaction to stress and that is SO BEYOND not okay.

They want us to do four racks of go backs AND expect the store to look spotless AND get out of there at a decent hour?! WE'RE NOT MACHINES DAMNIT!!! Which, is why, I drew a line last night. I'm putting in my two weeks notice next time I go in. You should not be put in a place where you are exhausted, mentally and physically, and not get adequate support/compensation. I learned at orientation if I work on campus, I'll make $10.25 an hour and I'd be working about as much as I do now (except for the getting out of work at midnight bullshit). AND I'd be able to study and do school stuff AND I wouldn't be under an awful amount of stress to the point I'm sick all the time.

It's just not fair and it's not a healthy environment. What this all boils down to is honesty and respect. And I'm not getting either of that where I'm at now. I'm just so beyond fed up, and I think this was coming, and it was just a matter of time. How frequently have I debated leaving in the past year?

And what's the worst they can do for my mom? Tell me to talk to her? Write me up because my mom bailed me out even though they told me I'd be out by a certain time? Nope. Nuh uh. I don't take bullshit from people. I have spent too much time being trampled and bullied in the work place and I swore to myself a long time ago I would not put up with it again. And I won't. I wonder if broken, sixteen year old me would be proud. If she would watch my guts and go in and stand up for herself. Maybe not. But.... I can only hope this helps someone. Maybe.

Sincerely,
-Katie

Why a three day weekend is awesome

Yeahh..... I kind of needed this.

So once upon a time before everything went down (Like back at the end of June), we had a mannequin dressing contest at work in exchange for a full, three-day weekend. I came in third. :D

And this was my weekend off. And let me tell you, I NEEDED IT. My gut has been so messed up lately, and after all the shit that went down this past week, I kind of needed to examine all of the evidence/factors/whatever. And plus my feet just really hurt.

So I pretty much sat on my butt and wrote or read fanfiction or just reveled in the fact that I didn't have to be anywhere. I didn't have to DO anything. And that my feet didn't hurt. :D I just needed some time to clear my head. And it was nice! :)

But now comes the Monday/back to reality-ness of it all. D: And I have to get up early too. Like six AM early. =_= And that means doing my make up in the car. ...Eh, who cares? I get an hour break which means lunch with my mom. :D

So yeah. Just felt like we needed some positivity around here. I know it really hasn't been like that lately and I apologize. I just.... had to figure out what was best for me again. And y'all know I think best when I'm writing to you. :) Should pick up a lot more around here.

So that's all I got! Love y'all!

Sincerely,
-Katie

Dealing with the aftermath

Okay.... I am so.... I don't know that there is a word for this feeling.

It's.... it's a mixture of helplessness, fear, and pure ANGER. Okay, so let's go back to Thursday, shall we?

I was at the mall an hour early dropping off applications (I'm looking to leave my current job). So my hour is up and I have to be at work at five, so I go up to work. I go, I put my stuff up (Quietly), and sneak back out to the front. I get told "Don't go back to the back." At this point I am pretty sure our DM is there (She'd been there a lot that week- a bad sign in itself).

So then we're going up front to get the rundown of the plan for the night is (I cannot use the term we use for fear of revealing too much or revealing company secrets), and suddenly.... our store manager AND our district manager appear. And the last words from our Store manager? "Katie it has been a pleasure working with you." I could see it in her face she was trying so hard to keep it together and remain professional. I didn't buy it for a second.

I hugged her as tight as I could. And as I watched her go, I have NEVER felt so helpless and pissed off.

Actually, yeah, I have. When I lost Cassidy. This WHOLE THING is reminding me of when I lost Cassidy. Only this time.... I don't feel like I have no reason to keep going: I have no reason to STAY where I'm at now.

I.... let's be honest, y'all are aware of the work mom thing: Supervisor who cares about my well-being as well as my performance. I just.... I just LOST HER. This feels like it was just a mad display of power. Like, "I can fire you so I will." I feel like this is all part of some nefarious plot that I can't see yet, and I DON'T WANT CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE.

And so I had an interview yesterday, and even the loss of hours and pay (I would be starting at minimum wage again) sounds GOOD. It sounds like a fresh start. Scheduling wouldn't be much different than it is at where I am now. And I wouldn't be dealing with this fear and DRAMA.

And who's to say I'm not next? I'm having trouble meeting my goals. Obviously time with a company means NOTHING anymore. And I'm NOT going to have my record tarnished like that. I'M 19 FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! Maybe I'm being overly dramatic but ya know what? I hate this feeling. I hate the deja vu of Cassidy (Who has been on my mind so much lately, BTW), and I hate the fear. And the kicker? I have to WORK with the bitch on Monday. -______- Seriously, I'm just done with this whole situation.

So if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take out my problems and feelings on my fanfic. Sorry things have been so negative around here lately, but.... Well, I'm going shopping today. So maybe some retail therapy will help. idk.

Sincerely,
-Katie

My overdue return rant (About work!)

So I am about 3000% done with like, my whole job.

In fact, if I were to get fired for this, I am not entirely sure I would care. But I have been very careful (I think) and I don't think I have ever once said my company name. I think. Hmm... Well fuck it I don't really have the decency to care anymore.

When you only give me thirteen hours (I REPEAT THIRTEEN FUCKING HOURS!!!!!!!), I kind of lose all my patience with your bullshit. I mean when I have closer to twenty-four to twenty-five hours, I am far less likely to be in a pissy mood. but THIRTEEN HOURS?!?!?!?!?!? And I can't figure out what the fuck I am doing WRONG!!!

And then on top of that, there's the fact that I've been there longer than ANY of the other girls, yet I'm getting the short end of the stick. They get more hours, longer shifts, and yet they can't do NEAR as good of a job as I can. And I am the only one who also seems to be capable of picking up the mess too!

And then OH MY FUCKING GOD when I am actually there! If it's not one thing that's backed up it's another. Shipment, go-backs, cleaning, daily goals. And we can't ever leave until all the shit is done, which means I don't get home until 11 at night, my legs feeling like they would like to fall off of my body, and my mom pissed because either she A: Had to wait for me because I said ten thirty, or B: Is mad because my dad had to wait an insubordinate amount of time and thus ruin whatever plans she had.

And I can't figure out ANY GOOD that's coming from this!!! I mean if I could see some turnaround, I would extremely less pissed. But all I can see is us falling farther behind, not meeting the unrealistic expectations our new district manager is setting, and myself falling into a vicious cycle I fought really hard to get away from almost four years ago. I'm no longer hopeless and a victim. I am standing on my own two feet (However delicately), and I am PISSED. I don't see the point in all this senseless annoyance. Maybe it's cuz I'm not high enough up in the chain of command.

Which brings me to my final point of annoyance, and is ultimately prompting me to try and find something else: I was there long before the girl who got promoted came along. I TRAINED her. And she got the promotion, not me.

I realize I am being a little petty here, but at this point, It's all just been festering and boiling. Now if you will excuse me, I am going to go take my problems out my characters and eat grapes angrily. And wish my headache would go away. So... yeah. Bye.

Sincerely,
-Katie

I'm done being silent.

It's time.

It's time I just get this out there because to be honest, I can't voice my opinions at work, or on Instagram or Facebook or really ANYWHERE. And you want to know why?

Because I live with closed-minded homophobic parents and family, and 90% of my Facebook friends are the same way. And you know what? I'M DONE BEING SILENT.

I made this picture, because I didn't know what else to DO on Friday. I nearly posted it on Instagram, with the following rant...

* * * *

Okay I'm done being silent. Those of you who hate me for this can kindly unfollow because this is a thing.

I am FOR gay rights. There, I said it. I'm not for the bigotry or the drama, but I am for equal rights for all people. I also happen to fit on the sexuality spectrum. Somewhere. But this is not the time nor the place for that (again: unfollow button is right there). But I WANT to get married one day, and I should not be opressed because the person I want to marry might be a girl! So YEAH! LOVE FREAKING WINS AND I'M FREAKING HAPPY ABOUT IT. I'm also really scared to share this so please please PLEASE be gentle. Or get out. Idk if I should even be posting this. :s #idk #lovewins #scared

* * * *

So.... Yeah. What that says. I SUPPORT Gay rights. I am FOR people being allowed to marry, regardless of gender. And you know what? If you disagree that's cool. But if you decide to be a homophobic dick about it, you can bet your sorry ass I'm NOT going to put up with that bullshit. 

I haven't been really able to express my views or opinions really and this is all I can do. I just want people to be happy, regardless of gender, orientation... Whatever. As long as it's legal (which it now is) and doesn't hurt anyone physically or emotionally or cause severe harm/trauma, then who the fuck CARES???

Yeah, I think I done. If you agree, some support would be nice. I love y'all, and I hope you can find acceptance and love in your life.

Sincerely,

-Katie

Scary thoughts (possibly triggering).

I'm just gonna call it: TRIGGER WARNING. 

I have no ability to link you elsewhere right now, but please just listen to my plea. You are worth so much. Please don't do it. It's gonna turn around. I promise it will. Just look back at my story.

ON TO THE MAIN POINT IM WRITING THIS.

Okay so I was playing with a bunny at the pet store the other day and I got my arm scratched up really bad. And I mean REALLY BAD. It looked like... Well, it looked a lot like it did about three years ago.

And something about it has... Triggered me in a weird way. Like, at first I started panicking about what others would think. But now... I kind of want to keep them there. 

Like, maybe I'm just overthinking this, but like.... It's kind of a comforting thing. Which makes no sense. I had similar issues when my arm healed the first time. I remember it taking up a few therapy sessions for me to be okay with it (and I'm still not one hundred percent on board).

Idk, maybe I'm overthinking. I probably am. If I had access to my ORIGINAL coping mechanisms, I'd probably a lot better off. I'm trying with what I have now, but they keep getting shot down too (granted I can't always suck my thumb or pull on my hair, but, ya know...).

Also, I know this is a pretty shitty comeback post, but to be hones I just needed to get this out of my system and I made a promise to myself a long time ago to not deny myself the ability to feel, and to not deny myself the right to express them. So yeah. This post is just a big stupid Drabble about how I'm overthinking about being triggered. Or maybe not.  Idek anymore. 

I'm just gonna go drown my sorrows in fan fiction like I normally do now. I'll post something less triggering and a bit happier later this week, okay? Just give me some time. 

And in case you haven't heard it today: I love you. <3

Sincerely,

-Katie

Pain.

So I have gone from dealing with unbearable emotional pain to dealing with excruciating physical pain.

And let me te you it is HELL. Like literally, for the past month I have dealt with a migraine almost every other day, extreme abdominal pain, side pain, and now, pelvic pain. AND I AM SO DAMN SICK OF IT!!!

I'm sick of being so dizzy I feel like I could pass out. I am sick of being so sick to my stomach that I feel like any sudden movements will result in the ejection of its contents. I'm sick of having to struggle through shift after shift and having my performance at work being slowly but surely decreasing because I am in so much pain. And above all else I am so fucking sick to death of feeling like curling into a ball and just disappearing because I hurt so bad!!!!

I am not one of those people that handles being sick and dependent on others very well. It was a pain in the ass after the car accident. And this really isn't much different. 

Like right now, I feel so sick to my stomach. AUGH JUST MAKE IT STOP!!!! But there is a part of me that is so worried- no, TERRIFIED- of what the doctor is going to find. I am so scared that something really bad is wrong with me. And that just makes it all worse.

I'm sorry for complaining but I am just fed up with my body and really needed to get this out of my system. In any case prom is next weekend and I am BEYOND excited. :D AND PATRICK TURNS 11 ON MONDAY HES NOT A BABY ANYMORE WAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!

I'm going to shut up now and let you return to your life. I promise to make a better one either tomorrow or Saturday! :)

Sincerely,

-Katie

The Zayn Malik phenomena.

WARNING: These are just my personal opinions. I, in no way, shape, or form, know anyone in 1D, know anyone related to them, and therefore do not know the truth. ALSO: If you are just a bitter directioner come to be a bitch, please kindly leave, or your happy ass WILL be blocked. Your negativity is not welcome here, and neither is your pointless drabble. Only grown-up, mature comments are welcome. kthanx. ;) NOW THEN:

First, a bit of humor (Credit @Ryanabe)

Fun fact: My favorite reaction was the diehard fan. :P Now then, to the heart of it: I have never liked 1D. Y'all know that. And it's mostly because a lot of their fans are a bunch of stuck up bitches (IE why the guy in the video has to freaking DEFEND HIMSELF in his own damn video), and they do NOTHING to try and curb their behavior. I get that they can't go around smacking a ruler, but if you look at MY idols, most of them are peaceful, they encourage positivity and they try and discourage fighting (NEED I MENTION SOME OF THE TWEETS FROM KENDALL I HAVE SCREENSHOT???)

But Zayn. Zayn Malik. Zayn just threw the whole world in to a tailspin. I mean HOW MANY DIFFERENT PEOPLE DID YOU HEAR THIS FROM???? And more importantly, did you even care? In all honesty I'm kind of like "THIS IS KARMA BIOTCHES MUAHAHAHAHA!!!!" But then I stop and think, "If this were Kendall, or had anything to do with BTR, I would be on the floor sobbing, with no intention of stopping." And, somehow, there are Directioners out there, with as much of a devotion to 1D as I have to BTR. And 1D has probably done the same thing for some girls as BTR did for me. Not gonna lie.

But.... Zayn made a BIIIG mistake. He's probably just become the most hated person in the world. Well, maybe that's a bit extreme. But a loooooot of people are now going to be really unhappy with him, and that INCLUDES his band mates.

Everyone can spout whatever crap they want. I don't believe it for a second. I believe that it's a bunch of scripted garbage some PR person told them to say. I think deep down Niall, Louis, Liam, and Harry are hurt. I don't think anyone saw this coming. I don't think him leaving the tour was something they expected, and then they were blindsided with this. And then, to top it off, I think Simon is the one making them continue as a four-piece, and I'm not sure they really want to do that, or continue the tour either. I think this is just too much for them right now and they're not going to be able to process it and grieve properly.

AND THEN We could talk about Mr. Malik. He's gonna get so much hate and shade. I fear for his mental state. What, you were expecting something different? I'm not a heartless bitch! I think this could lead to a long road of bad decisions. But then again, what do I know?

These are just my thoughts. I could be completely wrong on all of this. But I'm just looking at the evidence I have been presented with. And then we could talk about those rumors of Harry trying to go solo... (*Cough* Zarry? *Cough*)

Anyways, that's all I've got for you peeps tonight. It's almost eleven here, and I have a lot to do tomorrow. Mayhaps I shall post again? We'll seee..... :P

Sincerely,
-Katie

The dress! :D

I know this is so overdue guys and I'm so sorry.

I've been grounded from my iPhone and I'm only allowed to have it on Sundays. :( BUT ONLY FOR TWO MORE WEEKS! :D

Anyways, HERE IS THE DRESS!

Sincerely,

-Katie

BODY POSITIVITY RANT!!! (Swear warning)

Alright I haven't been on a rant in a while.

So I decided to fix that today. Because SOME PEOPLE in my life are not about being good to your body and accepting it the way it is, and taking care of it. And SOME PEOPLE in my life cannot seem to keep their damn mouth shut and mind their own damn business and let me be me and let my mom be my mom and let us accept our bodies the way they are!!!

So story time: I got my prom dress (Pictures to come tomorrow, promise!), but, since the dress was cut small (or I've gained weight/boobs, I'm not real sure), I went up a size so that the dress would actually zip. But I live with a stick figure, and stick figured people sometimes have this mentality about them. Especially when their minds start to go. And apparently it's BAD that I'm a fifteen and I need to toughen up.

BITCH NO. You need to shut your God Damn mouth and mind your own fucking business. You have no idea what your comments could do to someone who isn't as strong as I am. You don't know how that comment haunted me yesterday. You have no idea how much hell I have been through with my body image and my self-esteem. I have HATED every single inch of myself. I have been to hell and back. I still have days where I don't like how I look and I feel self conscious. And ya know what? IT'S OK.

But what is not okay is body shaming not only me but my mother. I AM NOT GOING TO TURN INTO HER BITCH. I am my own person, with my own body, and my own figure. I have fucking curves! WHO THE HELL CARES?!?! I sure don't. But apparently it bothers you. This isn't the first time you've called me fat. And you know what? I honestly do not care what you say anymore. You've hurt too many people that I love. You took my mother's voice from her. I don't know if I'll ever get to hear it again. So go fuck yourself. Because I am curvy, sassy, and fierce! And there is NOTHING you can do to change that.

Sincerely,
-Katie

My favorite internet parodies.. :P

I just feel really happy today.

And I have a good reason for it too. :) In fact, if you follow me on twitter, you'd already know. Anyways, to share my happiness with y'all, I thought I might share some of my favorite parodies! :D

To start off, we have my favorite "Can't Stop" parody. Fair warning, it's more PG 13 for some language. But it's a Miley Cyrus song, so what were you expecting? :P Or the "Party in the USA" parody. 

Next, a slightly offensive, "What makes you beautiful" parody. xD I love it.

Then, since I DESPISE Justin Bieber, a few of his parodies! :D Such as "Baby," and "Never say never,"

And then, to top it all off, a parody of "Friday." ;D You're welcome.

Stay tuned, because later this week, I'll be revealing my prom dress! :D We're gonna go get it tonight and I AM SO PUMPED! 8D I'm sorry for the sugary blog- actually, no I'm not. This is my blog, and I'm allowed to share my happiness with the world! :) I'm trying to be more assertive and confident. So if I slack, remind me. :)

And that's all I got for today! Be confident, and love yourself my lovelies and I will see y'all soon!

Sincerely,
-Katie

My weird 13-year-old self

I was a weird kid guys.

And I know I have said that before, but I found some new evidence of that last night. Although it could also be considered evidence of my early fangirl days. Hmm....

Anyways, I found a script I had written about the Jonas Brothers. Kevin was a snorer, Joe was afraid of the dark.... And I'll let you take your guesses as to what I chose for nick. *blushes* Like I said, I was a strange little duck.

But what was annoying was what attention I paid to making sure I had huge dots EVERYWHERE (I'm not kidding. Like, half of the page was covered in gigantic commas and periods), but I lacked so much attention to details in the writing. But then again, the story line was so disjointed and the plot was so weak, it was more comical than anything.

And it reminded me of this crazy plan I had concocted to marry Nick Jonas. O_o and ironically, one of those steps actually happened. Um....

Maybe I shouldn't be sharing this with the whole of the internet... *moment of silence for you to judge me*

I've never been good at boys. Like ever. As evidenced by my many, many, MANY mistakes. One of which happened on Saturday. *Facepalm* I would tell y'all about it, but I'm still too cringy when I think about it. Sigh.

Idk why I even made this post.... My only hope is that the Jonas boys don't EVER find this. :P

Sincerely,
-Katie

Really really awesome stuff I found...

And where did I find it?

On YouTube, duh. :P Idk guys, it's that weird period of the month where I can't sleep, so I post random shit here.

ANYWAYS, This one is pretty explicit (It's THAT Ariana Grande song, covered).

Then we have this recipe (OMG I MUST HAVE OMNOMNOMNOMNOM).

And this recipe.... And this recipe.... NO I DO NOT WATCH ONLY FOOD/COOKING/BAKING VIDEOS!!! ....I mostly just watch gay youtubers. :| Yeah.....

Anyways, I am FINALLY TIRED (a little bit), so Im'ma go.

Night!
-Katie

PS: REALLY FREAKY PHOBIA I HAVE JUST ENTERED MY HEAD AND I'M FREAKING OUT NOW KBAI AHHHH!

PPS: I am probably going to rewrite this in the morning if I have time... or naw.... idk anymore.

PPPS: I question what I publish sometimes... :P

JAMEZ FEELZ AGAIN OMGEES!

JAMES IS BACK ON YOUTUBE!

AND I REPEAT JAMES IS BACK ON YOUTUBE!!! THIS IS NOT A DRILL PEOPLE!!! Let's watch it together, shall we? :D *Le one minute and twenty seconds later* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D You heard the man!!! COMMENT COMMENT COMMENT!!! :P

I haven't gotten to do that in a while. It feels good to fangirl again. :) IN OTHER NEWS: I had the freakiest dream about "The interview," this morning. It involved an orgy, people from work, and my ex-best-friend. In the end we took down Kim Jon, and all got keys to the city of Tokyo. O_o Yeah, I don't understand it.

And sorry I haven't posted much. I really haven't had much happen lately, except this weekend (And by weekend I mean yesterday) I had to help a friend move. And she is living ON THE THIRD FLOOR. X_X It was so hard.

But yeah, just wanted to share a moment of fangirling with y'all! :)

Sincerely,
-Katie

My fish, my iPhone.... my life.

guys, Bert (my fish) has died.

And before you go all, "Oh it's just a fish," or "fish die all the time..get over it," YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I LOVED THAT FISH!!!!!!!!!! I miss him much. I was gonna get him a bigger tank, and a submarine so he could have all sorts of fishy adventures. but now none of that is gonna happen.

and in losing Bert, I realized that yet another piece of my past has disappeared. I've been realizing that more and more lately. That little pieces of who I was as short as two years ago has changed or evolved or vanished altogether. And I didn't realized how desperately I was clinging to them until I lost my iPhone the other day.

I had left it in the foodcourt, and thank God someone was kind enough to turn it in. In all honesty it was gone for less than 24 hours, but.... I realized how badly I wanted to be the person I was when that thing worked as my cell again. How I wanted to make gigantic spirals up and down, to have my old friends back.... to be on that gigantic path towards good that I couldn't see yet. I.... I hate to say I want to go back to being extremely depressed, but I don't really like who I am right now. I'm SCARED of who I am right now. Who I am is changing, and trying to contemplate whether or not to turn her back on everything she's been taught and her family for the sake of her happiness. The person I am becoming has to decide whether or not her family could ever forgive her for kissing a girl, and for WANTING to kiss a girl. The person I'm becoming is changing into someone I didn't even know I could be, and it's scary.

Mama says it's all about growing up. But growing up is hard and scary and life was a lot simpler when I was depressed. I lacked motivation for anything besides cutting and hiding it all. I'm not saying I want to go back there, but I am also not sure about going forward. This is probably so confusing and it's dumb that a little dead fish could bring all of this on, but...... I just needed to put all of this out there for once. I don't care where you stand on anything I've mentioned, this is my blog, and my safe place. And that is something I would never have had the guts to say three years ago. I couldn't stand up for myself before, but now I sort of can. Maybe I am making more progress with my life than I realize.

Sincerely,

-Katie

Happy 2015!

I usually recap on new years eve.

But this year.... I didn't feel like doing that. Also: This blog is about to turn three years old. And a lot has happened in three years.

We've gone from this blog being a story of life with my brother, to being a story about me. And from there it's been a wild, crazy, life changing kind of journey. This past year, I did a lot, but I also didn't really do much of anything. I just.... opened myself up to more of life. asked myself different questions, and I still don't have all the answers. But I'm not giving up.

I also learned what it's like to date a boy, and that I don't really like it (Though my options were limited and I didn't make the best choices with him). I figured out how to stand up for myself, and take a stand against someone who's trying to hurt or belittle me. I learned how to ask for what I want or need. I made steps towards independence. And I hope to make more this year. My new year's resolutions?

1: EXERCISE MORE. And by that, I mean walk on a treadmill at least twice a week. I've rebuilt my relationship with food, and I feel ready to try and rebuild my relationship with exercise. :)

2: FIGURE OUT WHO I WANT. Whether I want a girl, or a boy, or both, or none. And maybe I won't figure it out this year. Or next. But I want to try at least.

3: GET INDEPENDENT. Whether that means I just start college or move out on my own. I want to be an adult. And more importantly, I DO NOT WANT TO MOVE TO THE COUNTRY.

So yeah, here's to a new year, and a new set of goals, challenges, problems, adventures, and dreams.

Sincerely,
-Katie