UPDATE ON THINGS!

Okay so I know I never posted after work on Black Friday.

But to be honest nothing really happened. :/ Lately I've been working on a top secret project, and I would TOTALLY share it with you guys, except for the fact that I'm trying to be anonymous in it. :/ So.... when I'm ready to reveal my identity on there, I'll share it here.

BUT! I have also been working on something else I CAN talk about. And it's something I've been wanting to do for quite a while now. I've started writing again, and this is something I intend to make into a book and publish at some point in my life. I may even need some people to test it out with. It's going to take a while to finish and organize, but it's something I think could really help other people. It's basically a survival guide for working retail.

I've been wanting to do it since I started this job. I just feel like, for those who are new to a work or retail environment or are really shy or socially awkward/anxious, it can be really hard to get a grasp for how to get through and enjoy your job. And since I mastered it (And it took me quite a while and quite a few hurdles too), I thought I might share what I learned with the world. :)

Anyways, it's almost midnight now and I'm getting kind of sleepy. But I just wanted y'all to know I haven't forgotten about you, and I do have some cool stuff in the works. I just spend too much yet not enough time at work. :P I'm going to go to bed. Goodnight, and I love y'all! :)

Sincerely,
-Katie

Black Friday pre-work PANIC

Okay, so I thought today, I might try something different.

I'd do a post before work, and after work (which may get posted at midnight, depending on what time I get off tonight. We shall see). And right now, I'm just a teeny tiny bit stressed. I've done all my panicking the past two weeks, and actually been able to talk myself out of most of it.

In the end, all I can do is the best I can, and whatever is going to happen will happen. There's not a lot I can do about it. Yes, it's probably going to be insane. Yes, I am probably going to be a tiny (Or not so tiny) bit overwhelmed. Yes the store is going to be a mess at the end of the night and I'm going to be exhausted by the time the bell rings. But I signed up for this when I took my job. wait.... DAMMIT HOLD ON A SECOND GUYS.

*****

Did I mention we were having a potluck today? And per usual, I volunteered to bring my famous mac and cheese. And I JUST CURDLED THE SAUCE. -_______- So now I get to remake it and PRAY it works, otherwise, I'm screwed. And then, to top it all off, I'm sick! Luck is just not on my side today... Where was I before all of this mac and cheese drama? ....OH YEAH!

So anyways, I guess my advice to anyone who works today, be strong. Take some deep breaths, and remember that you only have to deal with this once a year. After today, it's busy, but it'll be tolerable. We can get through it. And trust me, I imagine I'll have something funny to post tonight. :P And if nothing else, I can find some cute cat videos for us to watch together. :)

NOW TO GO MAKE SURE MY SECOND TRY DOESN'T CURDLE TOO SO BYE.

Sincerely,
-Katie

The Meltdown Master. ;)

Alright that title turned out WAAAAAY dirtier than I intended.... O.o

Anyways, I love when I have good days. You know, the ones where your hair is FINALLY behaving, Your skin looks half-way decent.... And even when everyone around you is screaming, you can't seem to be brought down.

And I taught today. Which, of course, brings us to WHY I made the title what it is. :P See, I have one kid in my class who is.... let's just say he's a handful for his grandmother. And when he comes to my class, it's a toss up as to whether he's in a good mood or a bad mood. But somehow, I can get him to behave and play along. :) It makes me feel good. Like I can do SOMETHING, even if it is just getting little kids to color and make a craft.

Maybe I can change the world. But then I look at the mess that is my sexuality, and what my mom thinks about it all, and my work life, and I wonder how I can possibly change the world when I can't even get through one day without questioning every single thought I have. :/

Anyways, ANNOUNCEMENT FOR THOSE WHO DON'T CARE WHAT THE HELL MY SEXUALITY IS: I started a new blog! :D You can find it right here. I do hope you follow, because we're gonna have SO MUCH FUN over there. :)

Anyways, it's after 11 at night here and I do need to get to bed. So I leave you with this final bit of wisdom: Even when the world is completely and totally suckish and you can't find one reason to smile, try and make someone else smile. Trust me, it'll impact you more than you know.

Sincerely,
-Katie

Top five ways to piss off a fitting room attendant.

Okay, normally I LOVE being in the fits.

It's what I'm best at, and it's where I get the best chance to make my sales goal (Something that hasn't been happening a lot lately because it is DEAD). But, at times, and certain days, things are just..... really really irritating.  And I know I'm not gonna change everyone with this post, or make a difference. And I realize that these are just what pisses me off, and not everyone feels the same about some of these things. But I just need to vent. So, without further delay....

THE TOP FIVE WAYS TO PISS OFF YOUR FITTING ROOM ATTENDANT (Or whoever's working at the store you are shopping at).

#5:  EXPECT US TO BREAK THE RULES FOR YOU. Like seriously, rules are rules and they exist for a reason. I don't care if someone else doesn't do it that way when you come to shop. They are supposed to, and if I break the rules for you then I have to break them for everyone and then we have more shoplifting and my butt is the one that gets in trouble. SO DON'T COMPLAIN WHEN I PUT A LIMIT ON THE ITEMS I LET YOU TAKE INTO THE ROOM WITH YOU. You have two legs and can trade out whenever you want!

#4: DON'T STOP AND LET THEM PUT YOU IN A ROOM. Like seriously. I am PAID to take care of you. I am there for three reasons: to make sure you don't steal, to make sure you have excellent customer service, and to make sure you love that forty dollar jacket and twenty dollar pair of jeans. I don't care if you don't buy everything you take in, BUT LET ME HELP YOU.

#3: STICK SOMETHING WHERE YOU KNOW IT DOESN'T GO. Like seriously, do you not see EVERY OTHER PERSON HANDING ME THE STUFF THEY DON'T WANT?!?!?! It doesn't go on the chair with all the hangers still in your fitting room or on that extra rack I have!!!! One step worse is when you try and put things back yourself. No offense, and I truly appreciate the thought, but it's never up to hanging standards, and you don't know where it goes, so it just makes a bigger mess for someone else to clean up. JUST GIVE IT TO ME. PLEASE.

#2: EXPECT ME TO KNOW EVERYTHING OR MAKE SOMETHING APPEAR OUT OF THIN AIR AND THEN GET MAD WHEN I DON'T OR CAN'T. Seriously! I don't have more in the back, I don't carry extra large or extra small, and I can't pull the dress out of my ear in the exact size you want!!!! And I don't know when I am gonna get more dresses or sweaters in or whyy we do things the way we do or why I can't let you take earrings or shoes into the fitting room. I just know that those are the rules and I have to follow them. And I don't appreciate you getting all huffy with ME because you are just a little too late and you can't get exactly what you want. IT'S NOT MY FAULT. And now, the whole reason I made this post, something almost every single person did yesterday, the one thing that pisses me off more than anything else.....

#1: LEAVE ALL YOUR CRAP IN THE FITTING ROOM YOU WERE IN WHEN YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE THE OVERFILLED RACK OF GO BACKS BECAUSE THREE OTHER PEOPLE LEFT ALL OF THEIR STUFF IN THERE. I am not kidding you, almost every single person did that yesterday and I was about to rip my hair out. It is the most disrespectful, rude, and lazy-ass thing you can do! I realize some places may actually WANT YOU to leave the stuff in the fitting room. That's cool if you are in their store. BUT MOST PLACES I GO TO DON'T WORK LIKE THAT. We may be paid to clean up after you, but it's kind of mean to just assume we will and that we don't care and stuff like that. It's mean and it makes our job harder. SO DON'T DO IT. Especially if you want us to actually WANT to help you or give you good customer service and not complain about you behind your back.

And now that I have THAT all off my chest, I want to know if you liked this kind of thing. Would y'all like to see more top five lists? More complaining about retail? Some survival advice for black Friday or just some general suggestions for making your retail job less.... awful? lemme know here or on twitter or instagram! :)

Sincerely,
-Katie

Twitter: @Thatcoolrusher
Instagram: @Cupcakerusher15

PART 3: What I wouldn't give...

Alright, The next bit of time that passed was kind of inconsequential.

We had about two hours before they opened the doors and let us inside. We could hear soundcheck from where they had us waiting. It was absolutely perfect in my ears. I talked with Megan more. I learned that fanfiction writers earns you MAJOR street cred (Which reminds me, I need to share some of mine on here some day). Finally, they put us in line. They gave out wristbands to those 21 and older (Something I am DYING to be), and then they let us in.

Guys, I was in the exact same spot we were in for soundcheck, just the opposite side of the stage. I am not kidding. I just.... the feeling inside of me was pure excitement, like electricity. Finally something changed, and the opening act came out. I think his name was Mike Tompkins (?). He was cool. He was an acappella (I have no idea how to spell that word) artist.

When he finished, my chaperon found me (Yes, I am nineteen and my mom won't let me go to a concert by myself. I don't understand it either.) We asserted our spot and we waited. And then.... it happened.

He walked on. I hate to sound weird/slightly stalkerish, but.... It was as if everything was just.... perfect when I saw Kendall. And then they played. Guys, It was the best time since I saw BTR in February. I just can't describe how happy I was.

They played pretty much everything off Happy mistakes, and some of their old stuff too. :) AND APPARENTLY KENDALL TOUCHED MY HAND DURING PARALLEL AND I DIDN'T REALIZE IT. Oh, and when I upload my pictures, I have video of Kendall twerking. ;) You're welcome.

And then it ended. And I haven't ever quite felt post-concert depression like I did when it ended. I didn't want it to end. Although I traded numbers with Megan AND I met James' worldwide girl from the February concert. :D It was an amazing day and I honestly would not change anything. It was perfect.

MAIN POST

PART 2: Shaking is normal and encouraged. :P

Forgive the title. :P

Anyways, my dedication to BTR has, from the very beginning, been vastly different from any other dedication or interest in any other artist. And maybe that's why I was just so incredibly happy when I saw Kendall walk onstage at soundcheck.

His hair, it was just.... so fluffy. :P Yes, that is the first thing I looked at. sue me. But seriously, it was so incredible. To just hear him talk, to hear him sing..... I could listen to it all day. And now, for some much needed highlights of soundcheck.

Like one girl asked Kendall who the female vocalist was at the end of "That's what makes you mine." The answer? It was Kendall and his lovely falsetto. :P And then the very important question of whether or not Pluto was a planet. Dustin's answer? "Well, if I deny that it is a planet, then that pretty much means my childhood is a lie, sooo....." :) I love Dustin sometimes. They also played a couple of songs, and they worked out a new verse for "Nicotine" at soundcheck. :D Then they put us in a line for *MEET AND GREET*

Now, there is a universal fangirl language. I'm not kidding. And I speak it FLUENTLY. I guess you could say it's a little different from fandom to fandom, but I speak Rusher (And thus, Driver) with ease. And that is literally what I did while I waited in line. Like I was talking with Megan, Talking with this other group of girls about when I met him last summer, talking with this guy about Ranel and how the security guy for this tour was a lot like him... And then suddenly I was next in line. I got butterflies in my stomach. I started shaking. I couldn't think straight. And then the guy who was telling us when to go started talking to me.

He was so nice. He'd been doing tours for a LOOOONG time. We talked about my necklace, How much Kendall means to me, and finally, it was my turn. And guys, I had the hardest time not just darting into his arms. But, because of the whole Ranel conversation, I made a concentrated effort.

Everything is still so clear. I hugged him. They told us NOT to, but he broke that rule. He hugged me back. He smiled. He smelled amazing. He put his arm around my shoulder. He signed my necklace and my VIP pass. He and Dustin both told me to enjoy the show. I had trouble breathing afterwards. I couldn't even form a coherent sentence when I called my mom. I'm not kidding, I would do it again given the chance. I just.... I can't put it into words.

PART 3
MAIN POST

PART 1: I am so impatient. :P

Okay so to be honest, it felt like time just CRAWLED by for the first half of my day. :P

I'm not kidding. But FINALLY, it was time to get ready. I decided on this dress with my combat boots and a lace sweater I got at work. 

We got to the house and babysat.. Blah blah blah THEN IT WAS TIME TO LEAVE!!! :D My dad took us a roundabout way to downtown, but once we got in Downtown Dallas, we kind of got lost. At least we left early enough to give us enough time to be lost, me have a panic attack, and for us to find our way there (THANK GOD FOR CELL PHONES).

I honestly could have been a few minutes late, As it was, people were still showing up and it took the people inside until I'd guess around four to get badges, get people checked in, and get us all herded inside. I have to admit I was a bit disappointed at how few of us there were, But then again it was a Tuesday afternoon, and not many parents are as lenient as mine (Plus I'm technically graduated).

Anyways, once we were inside, they directed us to the.... I'm not quite sure what you would call it. It wasn't a stadium, or an auditorium, but it was DEFINITELY more than a bar or a club. Hmm... We'll just call it a music hall for now. Anyways, they directed us in there, and I was so freaking close guys. Like I'm not kidding, it was even closer than when I saw BTR in 2012. I could see EVERYTHING. If there hadn't been a gate in my way, I could have climbed onstage.

Oh, and I seemed to have forgotten that I made a super awesome friend at this point too. ;) Her name is Megan, and you can check her out here. :) Anyways, back to the point: I WAS AT SOUNDCHECK. They came out and explained how things were gonna work, and they were exactly as I predicted they would be. And then, he walked out.

PART 2
MAIN POST

KENDALL SIGNED MY NECKLACE

SO I GOT TO HUG KENDALL YESTERDAY. :D

It was amazing. He still smells amazing. xD Alright, I feel like we COULD do this in one post, but I feel like we should at least break this into three parts. So without further adieu, MY HD VIP STORY. :D

PART 1
PART 2
PART 3

HD CONCERT POST EXPLANATION

I KNOW IT'S BEEN TWO MONTHS SINCE THE HD CONCERT.

I just can't seem to put the last part in to the right words. :/ I PLAN TO POST IT THOUGH. I promise. And if you are reading this, HOLD ME TO IT.

Other than that...... not a lot has happened. ASIDE FROM 1989 BY TSWIZZLE SO GO GET IT. Oh, that's what I was supposed to get from walmart. :P

Baiiiiii!

Sincerely,
-Katie

Why I don't put up with shit.

*TRIGGER WARNING* I do mention self harm in this post. If you struggle with it, click here. I've called that number twice. It really helps. <3 p="">
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I AM ABOUT 9000% DONE OKAY?

My coworker is a fucking douche. Kind of. Maybe. Ugh.

Okay so I kind of had an interview on Monday. It went really well, but it was a massive cut in hours and pay. Then I went across the mall to check on my other application. They offered me nine dollars an hour, and about twenty nine hours a week. The only caveat is that it's a seasonal position. Um.

And then there's my current job: about thirty to thirty-five hours a week, and eight dollars an hour. And always being stuck behind a register. And then finally, the reason I am seriously considering quitting; my co-worker.

I try really hard to stay away from him ever since he said he hated me and called me weird. But I was on break on Monday, and he came in the back (And was on his phone which he WASN'T supposed to be doing), and said, with no seriousness at all, "About to cut myself because I hate my job."

JSKSKLGJKL;GJG;ljkl;gkl;as I WANTED TO RIP HIS FUCKING HEAD OFF HIS BODY IN THAT MOMENT I WAS SO FURIOUS. But, being the self-controlled person I was, I told him point blank, that to someone who used to self-harm that what he said was EXTREMELY offensive. I AM NOT GONNA PUT UP WITH THAT SHIT. So..... I'm left with a choice.

Do I take the chance and risk not having a job in January? Do I turn them down and stay where I'm at? Or do I work both and see where I end up? Something tells me that the last option is the best. Because then, even if I don't make it past January, I at least still have a job. But at the same time..... I'm not gonna stick around for my co-worker to be an asshole. And I'm ESPECIALLY not gonna stay if he's gonna talk so casually about drugs and drinking and self-harm. Or maybe I'm being too sensitive.

But at the same time.... I don't think I am. It feels like..... Like I should stick up for those of us who cut. And those who burn. Like I have a chance to make a difference, AGAIN. But I also don't wanna be singled out. But.... ENOUGH BUTTS DAMNIT. My boss has become my work-mom. I remember my last work mom; her name was Kim. She kept me safe at my first crappy job. She kept me sane. She looked after me. I think I know what to do. And I think I know what my choice is.

Aaaaaand I have cupcakes in the oven so baiiiiii!!

Sincerely,
-Katie

DON'T call me weird

Alright guys, the world has pissed me off royally.

And, per usual, I am going to vent. And this time, I might actually have some solid advice in here. WHY am I pissed off? For a lot of reasons....

For one, SOME PEOPLE can't seem to keep their fucking noses in their own fucking business and seem to WANT people to pity me! I DON'T WANT PITY. Yeah I was homeschooled. BIG FUCKING DEAL!!!! LOTS of kids are homeschooled and they turn out just fine! Actually, most of them turn out to be super geniuses or rockstars but that's beside the point. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE PITY ME. I am strong, independent, and I DON'T need anyone's pity.

Second, NEVER EVER EVER CALL ME WEIRD. I know I'm not normal. I'm strange. I do the whole fandom thing. I write fanfic. I scream the loudest at concerts. I listen to music not a lot of other people listen to. I spend too much time on youtube and I rarely watch make-up or hair tutorials. My parents raised me with an actual work ethic and to take pride in myself and what I do and my accomplishments. But I AM WHO I FUCKING AM AND I WOULDN'T CHANGE A BIT OF IT. And I do NOT take flack from people about it. I know I'm weird and I LIKE it. But when you use it as an insult, I WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU FIGURATIVELY. And you know what, you're an ass if you try and make me feel bad for it.

And finally, I am switching jobs. I work with a bunch of pricks and people who pity me and I'm sick of my schedule causing drama and being lonely and miserable for five days a week. I'd rather be broke and happy and free than miserable. I have to do what's best for me. In the end, that's always what I'm gonna do. And I hate when other people force my hand. I'm just done. Done. D O N E DOOOOONE!!!!!

Sorry. I just had a sucky night at work and people are making me mad. And the hard part is I live with one of them. -_______- I seriously just hate my life sometimes. Sigh. That's what fanfic and music is for I guess.... But it shouldn't be this way. It's not SUPPOSED to be this way. I'm just... not good at things I guess. Outside of being a freak. :/Whatever.

BUT DON'T EVER CALL ME WEIRD OR TELL ME YOU HATE ME WITHOUT A REALLY FUCKING GOOD REASON. I swear. We've all learned here that words have a lot more power than you may think. Need I even MENTION  the stuff that happened to me in 2012? Don't be a douche, ok guys?

Sincerely,
-Katie

SO LIKE EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED

And it pretty much EVERYTHING has.

Sorry I've been AWOL lately! Our computer got stolen and as you can tell by some of my other posts, I tend to write A LOT. :P But now I have not one but two computers in my home and they are both super awesome! :D

So yeah like EVERYTHING has changed. I believe last time I left you was... wow, all the way BEFORE the Heffron Drive concert (Btw, click HERE to read all about how INSANELY EPIC AND AWESOME THAT WAS! :). Then after that.... Well, shit went down.

Seems someone can't seem to comprehend the word NO. And thus, as soon as my mom is a little bit healthier, we are going to the police station (Actually, I may go sooner if I can pull some strings). And thanks to douche bags being douche bags, my mom know knows my feelings towards girls and believes I am just confused (This I expected, but I'm also dealing with bi erasure at home. I fucking hate douchebags). Anyways, she handled it A LOT better than I thought. Kind of. I mean we're working through things. That's all we can do.

But, we decided to ignore that for the time being and focus on the fact that MY BIRTHDAY WAS A FEW DAYS AWAY. :D I turned nineteen in the time I've been gone too. I HAD SUCH AN AWESOME BIRTHDAY!!! :D I got my ears double pierced and went shopping and went out to dinner and had SO MUCH FUN!!! I'll post pictures soon, on instagram (*Cough* Follow me *Cough*).

But then, well, my mom got sick. She was to the ER twice over last weekend and found out her gallbladder had a huge stone and needed taken out. And then on top of that I got sick too. And since getting someone to cover my shift is like trying to raise the dead (Without voodoo or black magic), I spent Friday and Saturday behind a cash register trying not to pass out. -_- And it's about to get even harder because I CAN'T work tomorrow morning, and I have a feeling I'm gonna get written up trying to switch. And then there's the state of my next paycheck....

Eh, who cares? That's pretty much everything. My mom just got out of surgery, she's doing fine, and... well, now that she's better, maybe we can start working through my issues. Though I'm scared of that too, because there are still some things I just don't want her to know. :/ I'll be okay. I refuse to think otherwise.

I love y'all and I'll talk to you soon so baiiiiiii! <3 p="">

Sincerely,
-Katie

Instagram: @Cupcakerusher15
Twitter: @Thatcoolrusher

Finally a small something good. :)

Okay so amid the obvious struggles in my life lately, something good FINALLY happened.

Okay so Kendall has been promoting his new album with a tour and after MONTHS of waiting he finally added a date in Dallas, and guess who has tickets? ;) MEEEEEE!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D AND it gets better.

Okay, so I really don't want anyone to call me selfish, but I bought a meet and greet pass for the show. I mean.... I am not gonna pass up the opportunity to hug him again. I mean... would you? I don't think you would. I realize there are gonna be people out there that are gonna be mad at me for that decision, but you know what? GO FUCK YOURSELF, YOU WOULD DO THE SAME THING IF YOU COULD.

That being said, I've been having.... weird dreams lately. One night I dreamed that I told some dude who was hitting on me at Central Market that I liked the V (Not wrong, but it was still weird, especially since he wouldn't stop flirting). Then last night.... I dreamed a certain pest showed back up. How did he? With a note in the mail. :S Yeah..... my life isn't perfect, but you know what? I don't care. I'm me, and I've got good things coming towards me. I know it. <3 as="" faith="" figure="" for="" have="" i="" it="" journey="" life="" love="" my="" out.="" p="" time="" to="">
ALSO HAPPY MISTAKES COMES OUT TOMORROW GO BUY IT KBAIIIII!!!! :D:D:D:D:D

Sincerely,
-Katie

Things that are awesome! :D

Guess what time it is guys?!

It's that magical time when I try (And usually fail) at giving my opinion on things! :D But this time they're happy things, I promise. :) And what are we discussing today? The Fault In Our Stars movie and Ariana Grande's new album! :D And what are we gonna use to rate these things? THE KATIE SCALE OF APPROVAL! xD (If you have no idea what that is, read this post. You're welcome. :P)

TFIOS (Spoilers ahead)

RATING: 1,000 OUT OF 5

REASON: DUDE! Okay, so I was a bit hesitant to even go see it because I was so scared of the girl dying. But after a few conversations with my internet homies when it first came out (SHOUT OUT TO FRANKIE! :D), I was a little less hesitant, but I kept going by my philosophy of BOOK FIRST, ALWAYS. But then when my.... I guess you could call her my honorary aunt (? idk, we babysit her daughter and she's pretty cool.) offered to take me to go see it, I accepted. JOHN GREEN IS A FREAKING GENIUS/GOD/AWESOME PERSON. It was beautiful, heartbreaking, and amazing. It makes me want to read the book. It makes me look at love in a different way. It just.... You need go see it. You need to go see it now. :P

MY EVERYTHING

RATING: 5 OUT OF 5

REASON: Okay, so I was bad and had already heard like half of the album because of samples/preorders/previews to songs. :P But it was and is AMAZING. The whole album is so much more grown up than her last one. There's all sorts of innuendos, a whole sort of dance/R&B vibe, and it's just great! :D

NOW THEN. I have to go get ready to go to work. Bleh. Anyways, IN EIGHT DAYS KENDALL IS RELEASING A NEW ALBUM AS HEFFRON DRIVE AND IF YOU DON'T BUY IT I WILL HATE YOU SO BUY IT. :P Not really but you know what I mean. He's been giving 15 second previews on instagram and I'm in love with it already. But I have to wait until my birthday to get it. :P So yeah I gtg I love you all I'll see you soon byeeee!

Sincerely,
-Katie

REPOST: Why I'm Struggling

(NOTE: I had to take this down for about 18 hours because of my mom. It was originally posted on 8/28/14.)

Guys... I think it's time.

I need to be honest. Because maybe one of you is dealing with this too. And maybe you need support. And maybe I'm being selfish. I don't know. But I know one thing; I'm not straight, and I'm not certain in my gender identity either.

And the weight of this is getting to me. It's causing me to have panic attacks. When did this start? Around the beginning of summer. Am I sure? Hell no. I'm what they call QUESTIONING. And as the name implies, I am doing a lot of thinking and asking questions. And before you start with "you just haven't met the right boy," or, "You just need experience with a boy." *GLARE* First off, I HAVE dated a boy. Two actually. And one I still live in fear of. The other was a loser. I'm sorry but he was. And maybe I WILL meet a boy and marry him. I'm pretty sure I'm bi-something. Because I feel like I could DATE a boy, but the thought of HAVING SEX with one terrifies me and I don't want that thing anywhere NEAR my girl parts. But then there are days that I think I could. I'm a MESS. But I know I'll figure it out. I always do.

But if you know me in real life, don't say anything. PLEASE. At least not around anyone, and ESPECIALLY not my mom. I am BEGGING YOU. I just.... I can't deal with this on my own anymore. And since a portion of you lovely readers ARE religious (Probably Christians), I'd like to direct you to this little article I found. I'd really appreciate if you read that BEFORE you call me a faggot or give me some religious-based form of hatred/bigotry. You think I don't already know all the religious stuff you're gonna spew at me? IT'S WHAT'S MAKING ME FEEL LIKE I'M GOING INSANE.

I don't need hate right now; I need prayers. I need guidance. I need answers. I need time. Maybe I end up straight and this is all for nothing. Or maybe I end up falling in love with a woman. Who the hell knows? The point is.... I'm here, I'm queer, and there's the door if you don't want to stick around.


Now that I have that out there, I turn 19 in 33 days. All I want for my birthday FROM YOU GUYS is to get us to eight thousand views by September 29th. We are about four from seven thousand at the moment. I have seen you guys do wonders here. We've laughed together, cried together, healed together, and I'm pretty sure we can get through this together too. I love you and I'll see you tomorrow for a review of Ariana Grande's new album. Bye!

Sincerely,
-Katie

My thoughts on Selena Gomez.

STARTING WITH A GIGANTIC DISCLAIMER:

Alright I don't care what fandom you are in. or what side of the arguement you are on These are just my personal thoughts and opinions. I don't know either of them personally and therefore have no right to judge, or tell you what is or isn't true.

Now then, I got an email this morning saying that Justin Bieber posted yet ANOTHER picture of him and Selena kissing. Now idk if it's still up, after a quick trip to facebook it looks like it might have been deleted. But let's think about this as rationally as we can. I remember reading a magazine article in I think it was US magazine quite a while back saying that Justin and Selena were in an emotionally abusive relationship, or at the very least an extremely toxic one.

Taking that into consideration, let's now look at how Selena has been acting lately; she's been a crazy party animal, doing drugs hard core (Forgive me if I don't use the right terminology, I happen to be CLEAN AND CLEAR HEADED though I know enough about drugs). Just this week I was at the grocery store and on the cover of a magazine (I don't remember the name of it) was a picture of a doped up, strung out Selena with the title, "Selena's Overdose Drama: Back to rehab!"

All things aside, that's really where she should be heading. She is a druggie, a party animal, and using both of those things to escape Justin, and probably a hold he still has on her. From what I remember from various magazine articles, he would constantly degrade her, give her STD scares, and have you ever noticed how extremely submissive Selena looks around him? Like she's trying to stay on his good side.

And has anyone else noticed that she's never hanging with anyone anymore? Not with Taylor Swift, ESPECIALLY not with Demi Lovato (Hate to bring up old wounds but it's worth mentioning). Which, also, could be why she's reeling and drowning; Just take a look at September 2012 and you'll see I had the same reaction when I lost my BFF. But I also get Demi's point of view: She has to do what's best for her and her health and her life, and I bet that decision wasn't an easy one to make either.

Anyways, back to Justin; He seems like the kind to yell, degrade, and then let's just look at his string of bad decisions in the past six months alone. He may take his frustrations out on her. And finally, I would like to give you a definition of cyber abuse:

1. Digital abuse is the use of technologies such as texting and social networking to bully, harass, stalk or intimidate a partner. In most cases, this type of abuse is emotional and/or verbal and though it is perpetuated online, it has a strong impact on a victim's real life. (Soruce: The first thing that came up on a google search)

THAT is what I think the photo is; His way of controlling her, and making her do what he wants. It's a pretty strong accusation, I'm aware. It's also probably wrong too. They could be in a loving and committed relationship and just are hesitant to share any of it with the world. And you know what? THAT'S WHY I DON'T GET INVOLVED IN THIS SORT OF THING. I may form opinions, but I sure as hell don't think that any of this is in any way right (Unless one of the two celebrities that this post is about or their agents would like to tell me otherwise)! BE A FREE THINKER. Also, don't get too emotionally involved; it typically doesn't end well (Take it from someone who shipped and got heavily involved in Jemi; God I was weird when I was fourteen. Now I ship Logan Henderson and Demi Lovato! :P). But yeah, I just felt like sharing this. Idk why.

Oh, you wanna know what I think Selena and Justin should do, do you? Well, I think Selena needs to get her happy butt BACK to rehab and NOT leave and actually stick with it. Which I know is no easy feat; recovery isn't easy. But it's WORTH IT. As for Justin? He should stop egging (And doing drugs and drunk driving and drag racing...) and spend some time with Jesus and actually take his punishment for all the dumb things he did LIKE A MAN. If that means jail time, then he should do it. I know jail is no easy place, but I know a lot of prison ministries that would help him while he's there.

And that my friends is my analysis of the whole Justin kissing Selena photo rumor that's BEEN going around for how many months now? Geez. And again, IN NO WAY AM I SAYING ANY OF THIS IS TRUE. These are just my thoughts and opinions. That being said.... Feel free to share this. Who knows where it would end up or who could see it. And NO THIS IS NOT A PUBLICITY STUNT.

Anyways, I feel like absolute crap so I'm gonna go take a nap kbaiiii.

Sincerely,
-Katie

(AND NOW FOR THE LONG AWAITED RETURN OF THE SOCIAL MEDIA AT THE BOTTOM OF THE POST!)

Twitter: @Thatcoolrusher
Tumblr: Cupcakerusher17yo
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WHY FACEBOOK SUCKS MAN.

BECAUSE SOMETIMES PEOPLE YOU TRY REALLY HARD TO AVOID FOR THE SAKE OF PEACE GET A FACEBOOK.

ay ay ay ay AY!!! I feel like we went through something similar to this last year.... Oh wait, we did, and I was the bad guy. :( I never did get to tell you sorry. I still miss you. I still want the best for you. Sigh.

And for those of you who have NO IDEA what I am talking about, GOOD. Don't ask. I don't feel like it's my place to tell. There are just some secrets we take to the grave, and I think this is one of them. I just hope things don't go south like they did when she got a tumblr....

Cass, if you're reading this, I'm sorry. I love you and I'm sorry and maybe if by some miracle you're reading this you'll go back and read my other letters to you. Find them. I miss you, and I love you and I want the best for you and maybe one day we can forgive each other and be.... more than people who have this big awkwardness between them.

Just... keep fighting. Okay?

Sincerely,
-Katie

My last goodbye

It's been almost.... two (or three, I've lost track) months since you last tried to contact me.

It seems for once you've listened. Or maybe recent developments have made me untouchable. Whatever the case, You're gone. I couldn't be happier. And I don't mean that to sound harsh, but A: I am untouchable in a way no one else knows yet (But they will in time), and B: Safe environment training taught me that (and don't anyone tell my mom I'm saying this), but that you are a pedophile.

And YES, I said it. Because those little red flags were there. They were always there, but then you swindled me with sweet talk and made me forget about them. But hindsight is always 20/20. You asked ME, and we had only known each other for, what, two weeks? A month maybe? And all we ever did was your dumb roleplay, which, might I remind you, MY MOM HAD TO READ ELEVEN PAGES OF. I have NEVER been so ashamed of something. I wasn't even ashamed when I read her chapter 26 of my fanfic, and that was straight up smut.

But you asked me. I bore my soul to you, shared all my pain with you, and you took ADVANTAGE of me. I was young and naive and you played me like the IDIOT I was. I'm NOT sorry and all you were, and all you ever WILL be to me, is a lesson I only learn once.

This is the last time I will EVER talk to you EVER again. Goodbye.

Sincerely,
-Katie

OH MY GOSH

IT'S BEEN WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYY TOO LONG SINCE I LAST POSTED ARGH!!!!

Although, in my defense, you haven't missed much. Not a lot is happening. :/ Well, except for the fact that I sort of had a misunderstanding at work and almost got fired/quit and my mom COMPLETELY froze my manager out, but I can't tell you that story because *COMPANY POLICIES* :P plus I don't really like talking about specific incidents at work.

But I CAN tell you that, A: I look good in neon pink, B: my mom is NOT always right (I really hope she isn't reading this), and C: Not listening to my mom and wearing a tank top without a sweater which I bought when it wasn't COMPLETELY clear that she didn't want me to buy it: boosts my sales, confidence, and all around performance at work. so there.

Soo..... I guess if I don't want her to find out about that I shouldn't be publishing this... oh well. But I mean I looked GOOD in that tank top, I wore something under it, I felt confident, and it SHOWED in my performance. So I don't exactly see where the problem is other than it DESPERATELY needs washed now. :P Oh well.

But yeah other than work, the only change around here is that we're baby-sitting a five- no wait, a six-month-old baby regularly (If I video blog at all this week, I'll show her provided her mom has given me permission, so make sure to subscribe to my youtube channel! :D). Sooo...... yeah that's about it! :P

I love you guys and I'll see you soon! baiiii!!

Sincerely,
-Katie

Frustration.

And there is a LOT of it around here.

Frustration with my work schedule, frustration with WORK, coworkers, exes, my family..... You name it, it's probably frustrating me.

BUT! there is also a lot of stuff going on as well! Nathan is getting out of school on Friday (FML), I'm getting more hours (Or at least more shifts) at work, Summer break is so close we can taste it....  There's just a lot that's changing and staying the same at once. :/

ALSO! I got a free, full issue of Teen Vogue out of nowhere last week. :? I know. BUT! Here is the thing! There was an article in there about self-harm. And we all know I stopped to read it. And guess what? IT INFURIATED ME. It did absolutely NOTHING except tell more girls that this is a viable coping mechanism for stress WHEN IT IS NOT. It is a vicious, deadly thing!!!! So they can expect a pretty angry email/letter from me.

I know I haven't done a lot of activism lately but things just haven''t been right for me to do them lately. But I AM (God willing) going to post a very inspirational video on my youtube channel later tonight (And I do mean late, because I have to work today and I don't have the iPad with the footage on it XP). And I'd give you the link to it, but SOMEONE has fucked that up too. -______- You know who you are.

So yeah that's about all I've got today! :) Make sure to follow and share this blog and I will see y'all next time! Baiiiii!!!

Sincerely,
-Katie

ASSESSMENT OF DWTS FINALE

And can I just say FANGIRLS RULE THE FREAKING WORLD?!!?!?!?!?!?!

We got James the encore!!!! :D:D:D:D:D And neither of my two picks won. :P James didn't win, and neither did Amy, but to be honest it was quite a toss-up between Amy and Meryl. :P And Maks with his cute little "Russian babies" comment! :P

AND THEN ARIANA OMG SHE WAS PERF OKAY???????? I just typed like a fourteen year old. .....NO REGRETS WHATSOEVER!!! :P So yeah it's over now! :( I kind of feel like I did when Big Time Rush (The TV show, duh) ended. Like there's a hole in my life. :P Eh, I'll probably fill it with Dr. Who again....

Speaking of Dr. Who, the person who got me watching it.... Well.... I need a miracle. I'm so lost, and maybe I'm overthinking things, or listening to my insecurities. But... something just doesn't feel right. And I hate that I've lost that clarity of mind I had a year ago. I mean remember it?

I finally had the guts to stop following people on twitter who were just feeding my negativity, I quit my job because it wasn't helping my recovery... And I fell stupidly, dangerously in love with someone. A certain someone. Who is finally listening. Whom I am going to pointlessly thank because if they're really listening they'll never see. And even THAT is another example of the clarity of mind I'm missing.

Ugh. Maybe that's the answer as to why I can't think clearly; I'm scared of what might happen if I fall again. In any case I'm being told to give up the computer so we will have to continue this inner monologue later.

SO TO RECAP LAST NIGHT:

1. JAMES DID NOT WIN.
2. AMY DID NOT WIN.
3. MERYL WON AND TO BE HONEST IT WAS A TOSS-UP AT THAT POINT.
4. MAKS IS ADORABLE WHEN HE GOES ALL SOFT. :P

THAT IS ALL!!!

Sincerely,
-Katie

WHAT THE FUCK HAS HAPPENED???????

CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHY JAMES WENT HOME LAST NIGHT INSTEAD OF CANDACE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

WHO THE HELL DIDN'T VOTE??????????????? LIKE SERIOUSLY, CANDACE SHOULDN'T BE COMPETING FOR THE TROPHY TONIGHT, JAMES SHOULD.

So in case that didn't give you an idea, James went home and I am BEYOND MAD about it!!!!!!! James has more dancing talent in his pinky than Candace does in her whole body! And I DON'T HATE HER. Let's make that clear right now. She just isn't as good as the other three were. And I respect her journey. I respect her confidence.

I also respect the fact that she's been through the nightmare of an eating disorder too. I RESPECT THAT. An eating disorder is hell for anyone going through it and for the people around that person. I think I've written about it before but maybe I need to write it again but that isn't what this is about. This about the fact that...... Well, I don't really know other than me just venting. But that isn't what we should be focusing on.

What we SHOULD be focusing on is the fact that he CAN still dance tonight if WE pool our tweets. All you have to do is use the hashtag, #encorejames. That's it. Retweet any of those that come across your TL. 

that's all I have for you today. Expect a better post tomorrow. In the meantime.... HIS LAST TWO DANCES.

Sincerely,

-Katie

Short, random, and lots of videos. :P

First off, RANDOM VIDEO TIME! :P

Second, FINALS TONIGHT OMG!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D MAKE SURE YOU VOTE!!! And click HERE if you don't know how and for an important message. :)

And that is about all I have I'm gonna go work on fanfic so baiiiiiiiiiiiiiii. :P

Sincerely,
-Katie

I SURVIVED WORK! :P

Okay LOOOOOTS of things has happened this week! :D

Well not really. Just some little stuff. And I can't even really tell you about it because *POLICIES* :P Buuuuuuut......

I CAN tell you about how AWESOME it is to be working again (Though my calves would argue that fact after running around the store for eight hours straight last night doing go-backs), and how, though I don't know EVERYTHING, I kind of feel like I belong.

Like, for once I don't feel like I'm a burden for asking questions. Like I CAN learn this stuff, that I CAN help people and like I CAN do this stuff. For once my boss has CONFIDENCE that I can succeed and that I DON'T need to be pulled aside and trained more in the back. I just... I feel like I belong.

And there are only two other places I have ever felt that way; at a BTR concert or online. And to feel that way AROUND real people and in real life... I just have so much faith in myself and this job. I feel... I guess I feel confident for once. I've forgotten what this feels like. I like it. :)

So yeah, Aside from the fact that I was doing go-backs all night last night (Eight hours, and after my break it made it so much harder to do :P), I love my job. ALSO! Check out my dad and my brothers are camping this weekend! :D I'm getting some much needed girl time with my mom tonight. Soo.... That's all I've got today! OH! And a Surprise on Youtube for y'all too. ;)

Baiiii!

Sincerely,
-Katie

OMG LAST NIGHT!!!!!

I DID NOT SEE ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT COMING!!!!

Okay so yesterday.... OMG yesterday... I still don't completely understand what happened on Dancing with the Stars. Or how what happened even came to be!!!! BUT FIRST, MAJOR MAJOR SPOILER ALERTS, AND WATCH JAMES' DANCES HERE (It's the video packet and both dances. Thanks to whoever uploaded it! :D)

Okay so to start off the night, we get word that CANDACE, of ALL PEOPLE, is safe. And at that point I was SERIOUSLY concerned that James WAS in the bottom and going home, because I thought THERE IS NO WAY ANY OF THE OLYMPIANS were in jeopardy. Turns out I was WAAAAAAY off!

ALL THREE of them were in jeopardy, which meant James was safe. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW AMERICA VOTED LAST WEEK. And to be honest, I don't completely BELIEVE that's how the votes counted up. But then again I didn't count them, so.... But still, JAMES WAS SAFE!!!! :D AND his first dance got a forty!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D His second dance was suuuuuper cute too! :)

BUT THEN CAME THE MOST SHOCKING ELIMINATION SINCE CODY SIMPSON WAS SENT HOME. Charlie was sent home. After they announced that all three of the athletes were in jeopardy, I kinda saw that one coming. Everyone loves Amy and Meryl too much to send them home. Although, if I were to make a prediction, I think next Monday, Candace, James, and Amy are in bottom three. Meryl and Amy are close when it comes to how well they dance, but Meryl just has an edge. I think it's gonna end up being James and Candace when it gets to who's going home, and then Candace is going home.

I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST CANDACE. I actually admire her strength with everything she's been through, and my mom adores the fact that she's remained so conservative. But the fact of the matter is that James is just a better dancer than her. But these are only my thoughts. 

IN ANY CASE, VOTING IS STILL GOING ON!!! Click HERE to go cast your vote FOR JAMES on ABC.com. Facebook voting is still open too. Everyone was fighting to save Amy and Meryl last week so it is SUPER important we vote now. Also, yesterday there were some MAJOR storms here, and the power went out like, two hours before the show started. Feel free to watch THAT fiasco unfold on YouTube HERE.

So yeah, that's a recap of DWTS this week and my predictions for next week! :) WE MADE IT TO THE FINALS GUYS, IF WE WIN OUR FANDOM WILL BE NOTICED AND JAMES WILL BE SO HAPPY! :D lol, I'm just so proud right now. :)

Sincerely,

-Katie

Monday recap! :D

I realized I have not written to the general public in a while...

Sorry about that. But to be honest the last few posts were feelings I needed to get out. And I didn't know how else to do it. BUT! I am back now with a post for ALL my lovely readers! yay! :D

AND LET'S START WITH THE FACT THAT I HATE CARRIE ANN. X_X Yes, Dancing with the Stars was last night. SPOILERS AHEAD. Also, feel free to watch James' first dance HERE. And then watch his second one HERE. AND NO HE DID NOT GO HOME THANK GOD. We came SO CLOSE AGAIN THOUGH!!!!!!

Okay so we're not at the VERY BOTTOM of the leaderboard this week, BUT WE STILL HAVE TO VOTE OUR FREAKING ASSES OFF ON MONDAY. This is getting intense. Although, to comment on the whole bum sticking out thing; he kind of does, but then again Peta is shorter than he is. This is a problem me and my BF ran in to at dance lessons and prom, because our height gap was even bigger than theirs. I'm 5'4 and my BF is 6'3. Soo.... yeah. At least the height gap between Peta and James is smaller. But even when my BF would dance with me, he still stood up straight, and that's just what he's gonna have to do. Although my mom also said he may just have a big butt. :3 NOT SAYING ANYTHING ON THAT.

But seriously, I was kind of in shock after I realized Danica and Val were going home. It took a while to sink in. :P And then of course everything blew up once DWTS was over and I'm about at my edge with everyone. -_____- VOTE JAMES NEXT WEEK OR I WILL FIND YOU AND SEND YOU TO THE ISLE OF PERPETUAL TICKLING LIKE THEY DID IN THE VEGGIETALES VERSION OF ESTHER.

Also: I think I got a job yesterday! :) OH AND THE THING ABOUT MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL CAME THROUGH!!!!! :D So now I get to be a youtuber!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D Well, I still have to figure everything out, but yeah. :) All in all yesterday was okay. Aside from the fact that my pizza turned out to be a DISASTER. :P Watch all about that HERE.

So yeah, make sure to follow and I'll see y'all next week For another recap!  :P AND I STILL THINK CARRIE ANN IS BEING TOO HARD ON JAMES.

Sincerely,
-Katie

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Twitter: @Thatcoolrusher
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Instagram: Cupcakerusher15

A letter to a girl...

I dreamed about you last night.

I dreamed your mom finally caught you. You were in the bathroom throwing up when she did. I never got past that part, because then my dream launched in to my own mother catching me doing something.... Did she catch you today? Did she realize I was right? Are you going to get help? This isn't my business, but at the same time, I still worry about you. I still want the best for you. And I still love you. And I DO want to help you. I got through it too you know. I'm still in all the same places. My instagram name is still the same, this blog URL is the same... I'm here if you want. I always will be. But if you don't want to talk to me, that's okay too I guess. I've come to learn to live without you. I've never found anyone who could take your place. But at the same time I've still moved on.

I just want you to read this, and take hope in it. There are good days and bad days. There are still days when all I want to do is slice my arm off. There are still days when nothing could bring me down. Just have faith. Know things get better, okay Cass?

I love you.

Sincerely,
-Katie

Poem: Will you still love me?

Will you still love me when it all fades away?

When my wounds are fresh, when my ends are frayed?

Will you still love me when scars turn to wounds?

When I'm aching and bleeding, and so desperately need you?

Will you love me at my worst, when I tell you what he did?

How he hurt me and used me, and badgers me to no end?

Will you still love me when the day comes I won't eat?

When I hate every part of myself, and see things you'll never see?

Will you still love me when I ache, bleed, and scream?

When it's all washed away, will what you see now still be?

Will you still love me, even when things aren't so great?

You love me at my best, will you love me at my worst?

Will you still love me even when I scream their names?

When the lights go down and confetti falls, will you still trust that you're the one?

Will you still love me, even when I'm old and gray?

Or when it's two AM, and a baby screams, I pray,

That you'll still love me, through all the hoops, tears, and pain.

I pray that you'll still love me, and love me just the same.


Sincerely,
-Katie

Sometimes I'm really stupid.

Like I misunderstand someone trying to be sweet.

Although I think there was some misunderstandings on both parts. :) Point is I'm happy. And I also really want some carrot cake flavored whoopie pies. And the best part? THE RECIPE IS FROM COOKING LIGHT. Check it out HERE.

In other news, ARIANA GRANDE'S NEW SONG IS PERFECTION OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If you haven't heard it yet, listen HERE. OMG RIGHT???????? I CANNOT STOP LISTENING TO IT. AND DANCING. Oh my God guys I need to MOVE. And sing. And scream.

So essentially I need to go to a concert. Preferably an Ariana Grande concert. :P But like it's kind of weird how often her songs just sum up my last relationship. Like.... it was Honeymoon Avenue that kinda convinced me to break up with a certain someone (Who's happy ass better not be reading this, TED), and then Problem kinda sums up how I feel about him now. I just.... idk. He's in my head too much lately.

And I don't like that. GET OUT. OUT OUT OUT!!!!!!!! I want to move on. I will. If I just give Sam enough time. I GOT ONE LESS PROBLEM WITHOUT YA, GOT IT!??!?!?!?!?!?!

And to play us out.... THIS PERSON.

Peace out yo!

Sincerely,
-Katie

OH MY JESUS GUYS!!!!!!!!

JAMES WAS SO FUCKING CLOSE TO GOING HOME TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay so a LOT of stuff happened on DWTS tonight but first, JAMES' DANCE HERE. Now that you know that, OMFG RIGHT??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? And then the guys were there and all of twitter was freaking out so ahhhhh!!! :) But then like he got THE EXACT SAME SCORES HE GOT LAST WEEK. -___________- FUCK YOU LENN- Okay no, but like.... he seemed especially grumpy tonight. -.-

But then like everyone was getting his wrath so James wasn't TOO in trouble....  But like everyone was either injured already or got injured tonight. :o Like Meryl and Maks were cracking things in rehearsal, DANICA FRACTURED A FUCKING RIB AND STILL DANCED, and then Amy hurt her back and no one knows whether she will return or not. I have mixed feelings about that but first, let us realize WE HAVE WEEDED OUT ALL THE TRULY TERRIBLE/AWKWARD/PEOPLE WHO CAN'T DANCE CONTESTANTS. Now shit just got real!

But yeah on the one hand if James doesn't win I'd want Amy to, because she has a lot of talent and if she doesn't then Meryl will but at the same time if she has to withdraw, then that means we have another week to get James up the leader board so I'm kinda like torn. :/ Anyways, VOTE YOUR ASS OFF NEXT WEEK.

Use facebook, the abc.com website, and your phone to call in!!!! AND ON THE OFF CHANCE THAT JAMES SOMEHOW SEES THIS: Dude, you're KILLER in every aspect of your feet. You're trying, but if you focus really hard on that, you have a strong chance. I used to dance myself and footwork is EVERYTHING. You've got the sexy factor, your upper body work is AMAZING, just work on your feet and you've got this man. :)

AND THAT IS ALL!!!! Ne-Ne went home, JAMES IS ON THE BOTTOM OF THE LEADERBOARD (OMFG NO I DO NOT WANT TO GO THROUGH WHAT I DID TONIGHT AGAIN) SO FUCKING VOTE OKAY???????

Kthanxluvubaiiiiii. :P

Sincerely,
-Katie

4 things

1: I'm getting worse.

2: I'm still scared to be on the internet

3: It still amazes me how happy tumblr can make me

4: Kendall's hair is fluffy. and I want to touch it. :P

BONUS THING: I know that last comment sounds like Benji from "worst cooks in America." BUT I REGRET NOTHING!!!! xD

THAT IS ALL!

Sincerely,
-Katie

A few things

Sooo.....

Yeah um, I didn't MEAN to ignore my blog all April.... but the break here is made up for on Youtube. :/ I've got that started up again. Feel free to check it out! :D I'm not gonna give you the link HERE though. I've.... got a different problem and I'm trying to protect myself from him.

Yes HE is back. -__________- IF YOU ARE READING THIS FUCK OFF DOUCHE BAG. If you EVER loved me, you would have stopped a long time ago. You know exactly what you are doing, but so do I. And if you don't stop I WILL press charges.

If you are not him, then know that I'm gonna be vague and I'm not gonna post a lot of links to me on other places. The less some people know, the better. I've posted too much in other blogs/videos/tweets to go back and delete them all, but just don't hate me for not shamelessly plugging myself okay?

That said, I'm.... I'm falling. Kind of. For someone. But I'm scared. I'm really really REALLY scared. After what happened last time, I'm scared to even open myself up to the idea of something. I'm scared of getting hurt again. And I'm scared of getting harassed if this ends badly. And it will end at some point. But I'm just scared. I'm trying to be open but it's hard, ESPECIALLY with everything recently. I've got the pattern down. Once every three weeks, usually in the afternoon or evening, and I'm usually super happy when they come in. And then I spend the next day curled up in my bed, scared, depressed, and just regretting everything. But that's no way to live life....

Oh and JAMES IS ON BOTTOM AT THE MOMENT!!!!!!!!!! D:D:D:D:D:D:D: WE'VE GOT TO VOTE OUR ASSES OFF ON MONDAY OKAY?????????????? Otherwise I'm gonna cry and then I'm gonna make a video about him getting sent home and I will cry there too. YOU DO NOT WANT TO SEE ME CRY OKAY?????????????

So yeah. Posts here and uploads on youtube are gonna be few and far between for a while. Just for my safety. But I'll still be around and I'll TRY and post once a week, okay? :)

Love y'all and thanks for being so supportive! <3 p="">
Sincerely,
-Katie

I'm sick. :(

And my mom won't let me touch anything. -.-

It's making me sad because I want the computer but she won't let me touch it. >:( anyways, my throat is on fire and I had a James/Doctor Who dream with me and Patrick and a zombie apocalypse sort of.

Oh, and SPOILER ALERT HERE!!! Yes we're gonna gush about Dancing with the Stars because OMFG GUYS!!!!!!!! Soooo many shockers last night. Like, seriously, it was like something out of a fan-fiction. O.o

Soooooo first off, JAMES GOT A FREAKING FORTY OH MY GOD!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D and they mentioned Hannah and it was so cute!!! :') and to top it all off, CODY SIMPSON WAS SENT HOME!!!!! :O I did NOT see that one coming. He didn't. NO ONE DID. I don't even think he did!! I seriously thought his fandom would put him through!!! But they didn't.

So yeah. Without the fandom competition, I think James has a real shot at winning this. :) AND THE HOST STILL ANNOYS THE CRAP OUT OF ME BUT OH WELL.

So yeah, WE GOTTA VOTE LIKE MAD GUYS!!! We've weeded out almost all the easy people, IT'S GETTING SERIOUS NOW.

I'm gonna continue being miserable and wishing my throat wasn't on fire. Baiiii!

Sincerely,
-Katie

PROM PHOTOS!!!!! :D

If you want a recap of that night, click HERE. Otherwise, enjoy the pics! :)

-Katie

Random blabber. :P

FIRST OFF: Shut up and watch this. :P

Yes, isn't my life so interesting?! :P Not when I can't take the iPad out of the house. BUT! Fear not lovelies! My mom let me put the app I was filming with on her phone, so with any luck my vlog will be much more interesting today! :)

Fingers crossed anyways. So yeah, I have hardly anything to do today, but I'll film it. OH! And interesting (And irritating) conundrum fell in my lap last night. What was it? How I'm getting TO prom. :/

Idk man I'm sleepy....

Sincerely,
-Katie

I DIDN'T WATCH DWTS LAST NIGHT!!!! D'X

That was a really lame crying emote I know. :P

BUT I DIDN'T GET TO WATCH PAST JAMES!!!! D: Things got really crazy really quickly around here and as a result, I didn't get to watch past James. :/ BUT JAMES WAS FREAKING AWESOME AS ALWAYS!!!! :D But then the host lady WAAAAAY overstepped her bounds and said, "Come on just tell us, are you dating?! I want a dancing with the stars baby!"

NO BITCH YOUR JOB IS TO FOCUS ON THE DANCERS AND THEIR DANCES NOT INVADE THEIR PERSONAL LIVES. Ugh, I knew they were gonna do this all season. -_______- I REALLY JUST WANT TO SEE HIM DANCE. Ugh, but yeah. :P

I'd post the video but I CAN'T FIND ONE WITH HOW HE PREPPED FOR HIS DANCE WITH HIS NEW PARTNER. D: Youtube, WHY YOU FAIL ME BRAH?! Lol, but yeah, that's about all I got. I'm going shopping when my mom gets home, and then I have youth group tonight, so same old same old. :)

AND MAKE SURE YOU'RE SUBSCRIBED TO MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL I GONNA BE DOING A HAUL OF WHAT I BOUGHT TODAY SOON. :D

K baiiii! :P

Sincerely,
-Katie

Youtube: Theotherguitargeek
Tumblr: Cupcakerusher17yo
Instagram: Cupcakerusher15
Twitter: Thatcoolrusher

Feeling good!

I feel TONS better.

Idk what it was. Although maybe it has something to do with spending 90% of the day in bed wallowing in self pity. :P Idk man.

ANYWAYS! I got back on Youtube last night! :D Well I mean I waste half my day on there, BUT I ACTUALLY UPLOADED SOMETHING! :D Check it out HERE. So.... yeah. Go subscribe! Comment! All of that jazz! :P But yeah, I'm gonna TRY and get my old iPhone to cooperate with iTunes and see what I can do to knit the video clips I filmed on my phone today on here and make some sort of professional-looking vlog. :P

So yeah gonna go order my Date's bouteinere tonight and then go shopping tomorrow! :D We're gonna get the last couple of things we need for prom, which includes (But is not limited to); jewelry, a tiara (I'm gonna be my own prom queen! :), lip gloss (I DESPISE lipstick), and maybe shapewear. Oh, and ice cream if I can convince my mom. :P

I don't know why but I've been craving soft-serve ice cream for like, EVER (Meaning about a month or so :P). Although that's KIND OF what started everything yesterday.... idk.

My kitchen smells good and Im'ma go do other stupid stuff so baiiiiii!!! :P

sincerely,
-Katie

RANT ABOUT MY LIFE ATM

Ya know those old posts where I was depressed and just like FML?

Yeah well I'm back to that place. Soooooo much shit has gone down and I really don't care anymore. I just ache. Like two years ago, I was so depressed it physically hurt. I could feel the ache in my chest. Well that ache is back. So WHY all of a sudden am I depressed? How could I POSSIBLY be depressed when Prom is six days away? I'll tell you how; My little shit of a brother that's how.

He's done nothing but rage all weekend about EVERYTHING and my mom is stuttering again thanks to him. He fucked up my plans yesterday and today, and Ya know what? I'm really beginning to hate him and resent him. Now I know you're thinking, "How can you hate him? He's autistic and he can't help it." I have just one thing to say to you; STFU BITCH YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH BECAUSE OF HIM AND PEOPLE LIKE YOU EMPOWER THIS IDEA IN HIS HEAD THAT HE SHOULD GET AWAY WITH EVERYTHING BECAUSE HE'S DISABLED!!!!!

And the worst part is I can't even cry or express my pain. I feel like it'd be selfish to do so and it wouldn't do me any good. So I sit, depressed with no way to cope, my chest aching.... Miserable. That's all I am. I seriously just wanna throw my hands in the air and do some really stupid shit but something keeps stopping me. I wonder... NO.

And so the war within me rages on. -____- Seriously, why is there only a finite amount of happiness avalible in the world and my share never lasts more than two weeks? Just... JADSKL;JASDF;LGHJDS;GLKHJK;L YA KNOW????????? Sigh.

I'll probably end up taking this down later, but two walks in the cold and rain deserves a little venting!! >:( And I really don't wanna bother anyone with it so... might as well tell the whole of the internet. Sigh.

Just leave me be...

Sincerely,
-Katie

9 DAYS TO PROMMMMM!!!!!!

So.....

Prom is in 9 days. Yeah. I'm totally not freaking out in the best possible way. Why would I be? It's just- OKAY I CAN'T I'M JUST SO FREAKING EXCITED I MIGHT EXPLODE!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

Sooooo.... yeah. :P THIS IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING OMG. I remember when I bought the tickets back in January. Nathan was in the hospital and it was the one thing that made me happy. :) AND NOW I HAVE AN ESCORT AND I'M GETTING MY HAIR ALL DID AND HASDJKGLHSDFG :D:D:D:D:D

.....I really need to quit doing that. :P But yeah, I'm happy!!!!! ALSO: If you didn't read my last post, I SAW DIVERGENT!!! :D:D:D IT WAS SO GOOD OMG. It was very by the book, and I like my movies BY THE BOOK. Although they changed one thing in the end. Well actually they changed a couple of things, but I'm not telling. ;) It was really good.

Sooo.... that about catches you up! I'm doing prom errands and stuff today and I'm getting my dress tailored/altered tomorrow probably. OH! And James got all nines on Dancing with the stars on Monday! :D If you didn't get a chance to see it, click HERE. :)

See y'all next time!

Sincerely,
-Katie

KCA drama recap

Raise your hand if you didn't watch the KCA's Saturday night!

*Raises hand with mixed feelings* From what I understand it was stupid as hell and, as always, no one good won, soooo..... but the boys were there! :D Well, James, Kendall, and Carlos were, Logan was nowhere to be seen. James brought Peta (His dance partner), and Carlos brought Alexa (Duh), and Kendall flew solo. he was so adorkable. :3

BUT! There was apparently a loooooot of drama on twitter and in real life with Jennette McCurdy. Something about Nick not treating her fairly..? Gee, wonder where I've heard THAT before.... I swear I'm never becoming an actress or singer on either Nick or Disney if I get the chance. If I'm on disney I have to be "perfect," and if I'm on Nick I'm gonna get cheated. It's just a no win either way. Then again- Oh this is all hypothetical anyways!

IN OTHER NEWS: Prom is only 12 FREAKING DAYS AWAY AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D AAAAAAND tonight is Dancing with the Stars so LET'S VOTE OUR ASSES OFF!!!! And the best part? I HAVE A DATE TOMORROW!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D We're going to go see Divergent! I've been DYING to see it. I'll try and post a review of it afterwards. :P I also go babysit, might have Girl Scouts , and definitely have Youth Group tomorrow. :P Tomorrow is just craziness.

But yeah that's all I've got! :) See ya Wednesday!

Sincerely,
-Katie

FANGIRL TIME: KAMES EDITION

I don't think we've had one of these in a while.

Or maybe we do and I need to read my own content more... :? Anyways, JAMEZ KENDALL PARALLEL SHIRTLESS HASKJDLGHDFSKLHGKLDFS;GJDFSK;LGJSDFK;LGJ OKAY????????????

Let's dissect that. FIRST: JAMES ON DWTS. HJASKLGJKDFSLGJKLDFS;GJ This video should very clearly summarize everything. OH MY GOD WHERE DO I START. Perhaps the fact he said balls? xD YES I AM THAT IMMATURE. But seriously though OH MY GOD THAT WAS SEXY. His technique needs a bit of polishing (My mom would argue a lot but we will overlook that, and the fact she felt the need to point out he waxes WHILE HE WAS DANCING), but until they weed out the really bad dancers, I have no doubt he's safe. :) BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN WE CAN LET UP ON VOTING GUYS OKAY???????

And now, for the whole reason I am writing this post, KENDALL FEELS ALWAYS KENDALL FEELS JUST jaksdljsdklf;JKLDFS;JLGS;DHJDKGLHJKLSDJGKLDFSGHJ OKAY?????????????????????? I have one word for you right now: Parallel. OH MY GOD GUYS JAKLSDFJKL;FSDG IF YOU HAVE NOT BOUGHT IT YET PLEASE DO ITS AMAZING. I'm listening to it right now. :D Funny story; my mom and therapist wanted me to walk today (Don't ask, it's a long boring story), and so they decided that I couldn't download the song until I did so. And Then my dad, being super awesome with his music pass thing on his phone started playing it. So of course I started fangirling and my mom knew that meant something was amiss and told him the truth. So yes, I went on my walk, and I got it. :P I AM HAPPY I DID IT TOO BECAUSE IT WAS FREAKING WORTH IT MAN. BUY IT OR I WILL SEND THE FANGIRLS AFTER YOU. :P

But yeah. Now we need Carlos and Logan to do stuff! LOL who am I kidding; Logan is Logan, he does what he wants. :P But I feel so disconnected because I haven't been able to get on social media because of lent and thus I haven't been able to fangirl with everyone! :(((( But then again I bet it's half fangirling and half drama, so maybe I'm dodging a bullet? In either case I'm not getting the updates on twitter and facebook and instagram from Kendall and James. D: sigh.

Anyways, now begins the real work: I have a day and a half to clean the house, mostly by myself. Why? Because... Something very special happens on Thursday. ;) NOT GIVING YOU DEETS AND JINXING IT. ;D

lol, this post is getting long and rambly so I'll stop here. Goodnight my beauties. :)

Sincerely,
-Katie

JAMEZ

THIS.

JHhdfsKJ;LHZFGKJ;LLLDJKH;LDFJHK;LHJK;LHJKALGHADKJL OKAY???????????? I seriously wonder if I'm not a James girl deep down... Anyways, WAS HE NOT FREAKING INCREDIBLE???????????? Yes, he needs to loosen and tighten in areas but HOLY COW THAT WAS FREAKING INCREDIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D

And they SOOOOOO deserved more than a 21!!! And it's gonna get really irritating if they bug them about whatever they have going on. -____________- Cuz like, seriously, it's THEIR FUCKING LIFE. If they wanna date, let them and respect their space! If they wanna be just dance partners, let them! WHY DOES NO ONE RESPECT BOUNDRIES ANYMORE?!?!?!?!?!?!! My ex is a perfect example of that phenomenon. -.-

So yeah, that's that! :) VOTE FOR JAMES. NOT CODY SIMPSON, NOT DREW CARRY (That is how you spell his name, right? :P), BUT JEMZ.

I so love typing like a thirteen year old. :P

Sincerely,
-Katie

Last triggering post, I promise.

Guys.

I... I don't even know where to start or how to begin. I'm reeeeeeeeally frustrated though, so we could start with that. But then again that's not what this post is meant to be about.

It's.... I'm scared to say it but this post is meant to be about self harm. Essentially that's what this blog is about, but then again that's not true either. This blog is about.... it's about me. And my life, and all the crazy adventures I've gotten in to and will continue to get in to. This blog is about the good and the bad and everything in between. It's my story. That's what this blog is.

And.... we get to close a very important chapter in it today. Well, I don't know that it's ever officially going to be closed, but it's at least behind me. Today..... I'm one year clean. It's not like an official date but it feels like around this time last year was the last time I really did anything. and let me tell you, it's a fucking INCREDIBLE feeling. Like.... I can't even begin to tell you. I feel like I could fly. I feel like I should throw a freakin party!!!!! But then again I'm not the kind to do that. So instead, I'm just gonna go to youth group tonight. Hang with my friends. Tell them about my adventures in romance. Be who I am. Forget about my mistakes and the COMMENT RECENTLY LEFT ON MY YOUTUBE COVER (Don't pretend you don't know who you are you fucking creep), and just... live.

I guess maybe if you're reading this you want my advice. Well, it's this; Don't start. Don't ever think or harm your precious body in any way because you're going to regret it. You really will. I live in constant fear that someone is going to see what little remains of my scars and ask about them. So don't even start.

but then there are some of you who have found this that have already started and want my advice as to how to stop. How did I do it? When did I finally get "better?" I don't really know. I think I finally got it when I was in a bad car accident last March. Along with the post-truamatic stress and all the aches and pains that came with it, I realized how quickly life can end. I shouldn't have walked away from that accident but yet I did. But back to my main point, which is advice; reach out. Don't be afraid to talk. And if the person you talk to doesn't listen, find someone who does! You DESERVE to be happy, okay? You deserve love, and happiness, and all your dreams. REACH OUT. And then to go along with that, GET HELP. Don't be afraid of it.

I guess that's about it. Stay strong lovelies. I love you all, and it does get better. <3 p="">
Sincerely,
-Katie

DWTS TOMORROW OMFG GUYS!!!!!!!

JskDLGJK;SLDFGJDSK;LFKJDGSHJ;LGKHJK;LJHF;L OKAY???????????????????

Sorry, I just had to do that. :P for those of you who are new, JAMES GOT PICKED FOR DANCING WITH THE STARS THIS SEASON OMFG Jkads;lfjk;lasdfgjklfs;djKl:JKSL;EFGJKLSDF;GJK;LDFSGHJ

........I'm sorry, I just... James. DANCING. And as if that isn't enough; THIS. And if you don't know the significance behind that, THIS. I.... Yeah. :P I just... HIS HIPS. *.* CAN YOU IMAGINE THEM SWING DANCING??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I get James feels easy.... :P I apologize. anyways, my dad started our free trial of netflix and I started watching Doctor Who today. I'm starting at 2005, and I just watched the second episode. :P I AM ADDICTED ALREADY. We can thank my prom escort and tumblr for this. :P

Yeah dinner is ready so I'm gonna go stuff my face. :P bye guys!

Sincerely,
-Katie

ADVENTURES IN FANFICTION! :D

Somehow I thought writing a shopping trip would be more interesting....

Then again, I have some stuff planned, but it's just... getting there. That's probably why half of my stories end up failed. I never delete them though. I read somewhere once to NEVER EVER EEEEEEEEVERRRRRRRRRRRR delete your writing. It's like... against some law book. And I find that I pull some stuff from failed stories and put it in ones that do work. And then there are cases where I was thirteen and fourteen and deleted stuff and now I really wish I hadn't buuuuut ya know... :P

ANYWAYS! I have some very exciting news! I HAVE FOUND AN ESCORT TO PROM!!!! :D:D:D:D:D Now if he would just RESPOND so we can get the ball rolling, things would be perfect! :P I'm a wreck. Mostly because I'm used to instant response, and he works full time, soo.... yeah. OH!!!! I ALSO FOUND AN AWESOME NEW DRESS!!! Check it!

Please ignore my hideous face here, there was a cart to my right and the lights were annoying me. :P BUT IS IT NOT AMAZING!!! Now I just have to make sure it FITS. And in order for that to happen, I have to lose five pounds. And I have to do it WITHOUT going off the deep end and starving myself or running on the treadmill until I pass out or get sick. :/ I don't have a healthy relationship with diet and exercise as you might have noticed. Case in point: this. BUT! I'm doing okay so far! :) 

So yeah, this is more of a prom post than a fanfic post, but........ Yeah idk anymore. :P

Sincerely,
-Katie

Bebz

And yes I just typed like a thirteen year old. :P

Anyways, I've been dreaming a looooooooot about babies lately. O.o Does that mean anything? Like seriously, I dreamed.... Ya know what? This is one dream I am NOT going to put online for the whole world to find and judge me on. Besides, their dreams! It's not like I can control it. Although- Oh nevermind!

ANYWAYS, my anxiety is KIND OF better. I'm just.... I don't want to lose what I have. I guess I'm just scared of myself. Letting myself fall again, ESPECIALLY after what happened last time.

IN OTHER NEWS: I have taught my little brother how to binge on a TV show on youtube. :P We've spent the past two mornings just binging on Winx Club. We're starting with Enchantix powers! :D I have to say, it's one of my favorite transformations. That or Harmonix. I've never been that big of a fan of Sirenix. I know it was neccessary, but... not their prettiest. :P Eh well, that's just my opinion.

Sorry for going all geek on ya for a moment but ya know... I don't know. :/ Nathan is in surgery and I have nothing really to do with myself, so....

idk.

Sincerely,
-Katie

ANXIETY EATING ME ALIVE RANT

My anxiety is eating me alive.

AND I FREAKING HATE IT OKAY??????????? I mean one minute I'm on cloud nine, humming and thinking about the dream I had about Kendall and I and telling him thank you for saving my life, and then I'm in the midst of a lego-movie sequel horror show with babies burning us all to shreds and then I've got a REAL baby and there's torndaoes and jaksldghskldfghkjl AND I HAVE NOT RECOVERED FROM THAT TRUAMATIC NIGHTMARE.

And then there's the fact that I'm scared to death that the tiny sliver of hope I have is going to fall to pieces after prom because, you know, my mom is right 99.999% of the time but I'm scared that this is gonna end like my last job! Oh, and add in the fact that my brother is being a COMPLETE butt about everything!!! I AM NOT OKAY.

I am an emotional wreck and freaking out over everything!!!!! AND I HATE IT!!!!!! I just want to pull my hair out and the only thing that remotely helps is writing my sequel to the one story I am COMPLETELY stuck in!!!! JAKSL;GJK;DFSLJKLS;DGHJ;LDGHJK;L I CAN'T DEAL ANYMORE OKAY???????

Sigh. If that sliver of hope has, somehow, found this, I doubt it will end well. Why am I even telling you guys all this? It jinxes things to put them on the internet prematurely. Which brings on the thought of a rant about facebook relationship statuses being the downfall of all teen romances, buuuuuut that's a different rant for a different day.

Then there's also the fact that I'm paranoid about fitting in my dress and that given we're not having homemade pizza and Pizza Hut (WHO I DESPISE BECAUSE THEY'RE PIZZA IS A ONE ON THE KATIE SCALE OF APPROVAL!!!! Click HERE if you don't know what that is) is like, one of the LAST places I want to get pizza from (The first would be domino's because... well, they're awesome), I'm a little freaked about eating dinner again.

Sorry this post doesn't make sense and hopefully it was just vague enough to give you an idea without cementing anything. That and I hope it didn't jinx the whole dream of meeting Kendall and telling him how he saved my life. I still hope I can tell him in words one day.

Oh well. TO THE FANFIC!!!
-Katie

Awesome non-depressing post for once! :D

I never realized the power one song had.

Case in point: This. I HAVE FREAKING CHILLS SITTING HERE LISTENING TO THIS OKAY?????? It's a shame that no one got to hear THAT version. >:( Still kinda hate nick for that, not gonna lie.

I mean my brother doesn't pick up on half the stuff I put on that has a hidden meaning, and he's nine. Granted I should start questioning putting on Katy Perry when he's in the car, but- oh not the point! Point is, MUSIC HAS SO MUCH POWER. And the kind of music you listen to says a lot about you.

Like for me, I can't listen to anything but happy, positive music, and it's typically what preteen girls are listening to at the moment. Actually no, I just positive artists who don't drink and do drugs excessively. Eseentially anyone who isn't a chart topping artist.

Then there are those who listen to metal, punk, and hard rock. Those people typically have repressed issues. Well, I say that, but my dad and one of my friends are the only two people that I have to prove this. And then there are the people who listen to white-whale noises and we all know what kind of people THEY are. But seriously, NEVER BE AFRAID OF YOUR GENRE.

If you like rap, cool! If you like metal and enjoy a good head-banging song then go for it! If you like Justin Bieber.... You'd better have a really good reason for that. :P But in all seriousness, LISTEN TO WHAT YOU WANNA LISTEN TO. Now I am off to go write about three chapters of fanfic for two different stories because I decided to skip youth group and I'm having a slight panic attack at the moment about tomorrow and something I texted someone being misconstrued so byeeee! :P

Sincerely,
-Katie