2012: Good or bad?

Hmm...

I feel the need to reflect on this past year. To compare myself to who I was when the year started to who I am now. But....

I'm not sure that I've changed that much. I mean when this year started, I was anorexic. And I'm ending the year as an emo cutter. And I've been through a lot this year. It was really hard. I got better from anorexia but then my brother decided he needed attention and went on a rampage and landed his happy butt in day treatment. And then when he came back he wasn't in school because the dumb asses at the one he was at didn't understand that he was special needs and had a condition. Then summer rolled around. .....This was the hardest summer of my life. I was all alone, and my parents found out my sexual differences and rejected me for them. And my best friend abandon me in my time of need. I contemplated suicide for quite a few days, but each time I talked myself out of it, thinking about everyone who might have missed me. And I cut. And..... It was just a hard suckish year. About the only good thing that's happened is writer's group.

But yet.... I still have hope. Hope that maybe this new year will be different. That I'll actually be happy, and that I can find friendship again, and not be miserable all the time like I am now. But part of me thinks its futile, and that I'll always be stuck here and be miserable. But I'm seventeen, and my parents can't keep me here forever. They won't keep me here forever.....

-Katie

I seriously need to post more.

Like seriously.

But all that I could talk about would be the fact that I've been sick all week and have been to the emergency room twice. And my brother is a jerk. And I hate my life. And That about catches you all up.

-Katie

IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!

How come my brother gets everything he wants and all the attention, but me and my other brother never get any hmmmm????

IT'S NOT FUCKING FAIR!!!!!!! I want some time with my mom, to do stuff, without my brother at home to cut it short!!!! Or to come with and always throw a fit so people stare at us or whine every two seconds because he doesn't get every fucking thing he wants!!!! I AM JUST DONE WITH ALL THIS SHIT OKAY!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Where do I fit in to the picture, HMM??? Can someone tell me where in that mess I'm supposed to be happy or even smile??? Nowhere, that's where. I'm just a fucking loser who no one wants. I don't even know why my friends put up with me, all I do is weigh everyone down and make them miserable.

-Katie

Triggering post

So...

A lot of shit has happened around my house lately. My brother just spent ten days in the hospital, my grandfather came home an hour earlier than we thought he would.... And I relapsed again.

And I keep falling back down. I don't even know why other than stress. Even my friends are worried about me. And one of my friends..... Lets just say he means everything to me. He's like as important to me as big time rush is. He really and truly cares about me. And I haven't felt as happy as I am about him in. A long time. I just wish we didn't get that close because he found out about my cuts. Which are SERIOUSLY hurting right now. And as dumb as that sounds, they normally don't hurt unless I agitate them. But...

Oh just forget it!

-Katie

HAPPY TURKEY DAY!!! :D

Soo....

To anyone not from America reading this: TODAY IS THANKSGIVNG! :D That means today is the day we give thanks for everything and remember when the first pilgrims came here and settled. And I really don't feel like giving a history lesson, so just Google thanksgiving okay?

NOW FOR THE EPIC FANGIRL PART OF THIS BLOG: If you are a Rusher, and you have a twitter (And if you get on often enough), THEN YOU KNOW YESTERDAY WAS THE ONE-YEAR-ANNIVERSARY OF ELEVATE!!!!! :'D:'D:'D I could not be MORE proud of the boys!!!

That album.... It has saved my life TWICE.  TRIGGER WARNING HERE OKAY??

So when I got it, it was shortly after Christmas, and I was listening to it in the car with my mom. And at the time, I was battling with Anorexia and self-harm. But then "Covergirl" came on, and..... Everything changed. My mom would blare that song whenever it came on, and sing it to me, and after a while... I started to believe it. :')

And then we have this past summer. Oh my Forking God it was the most difficult summer I have ever been through. I was cutting again, and honestly, I was happy to die at one point. But then I started listening to "You're not alone." That song saved my life AGAIN. I swear, every time Kendall sings to look over your shoulder, I do it, and I sometimes even pretend he's standing there. It just.... My family situation was so complex and then my friend dumped me, so it was all I had. :') I just can't even put in to words what those two songs mean to me.

AND I SWEAR WITH GOD AS MY WITNESS I WILL MEET THOSE BOYS ONE DAY AND TELL THEM THANK YOU.

And that is all! :D
-Katie

I do not understand this. O.o

Like, seriously.

I DO NOT GET 90's SHOWS. But then again I was only 5 when they ended, so....

ANY WAYS. I have been neglecting my blog!! :'( but to be honest, all that has gone on was my grandparents leaving for Florida to take care of my aunt and her family, since she has cancer. WAIT!!!

I NEVER TOLD Y'ALL THAT!!!!!!!!!! :O Well, I was kind of avoiding it in case she read this.... but the cat is kind of out of the bag now.... Oops. :/ I hope she doesn't hate me for it!!!! Yeah, she has cancer. BUT! She will beat it, and she is already doing great! They got all the cancer stuff out with surgery and she starts chemo soon.

ENOUGH DOWN STUFF!!! Wait, that's all my life consists of. SUCKINESS. I swear all I am is a waste of space. Sometimes I wonder why I still fight my demons. But yet each day I feel like that but still somehow make it to bed without a relapse. But with the holidays coming.... I'm not so sure that it's going to last. But... I know how many people would hurt if I relapsed. My one friend would probably stop talking to me if I did. And he's kind of the only person I talk to on a regular basis, so.... I'm not about to f--k that up.

So yeah, my life pretty much sucks like always. :( But then again who honestly thought that would change?

Sigh.
-Katie

I have neglected my blog!! :O

I'm so sorry about that!!

I promise a nice long post tonight after I get home from work.

-Katie

3:25 AM

WHY THE FORK AM I STILL AWAKE?!??!????

So yeah..... THAT WAS THE MOTHER OF ALL TWISTS!!!!!! :O Yes I am talking about part 2 of Breaking Dawn. THE REVIEWS LIE!!!!!!

So yeah, THAT MARATHON WAS EPIC!!!!! :D:D:D and then we got lost on the way home. :P in the dark, 121 is very hard to find. We actually ended up going through Keller. >.> yeah.

AND NOW I AM HOME AND IT IS THREE THIRTY IN THE DAMN MORNING AND I CAN'T SLEEP!!!!!! AUGH!!!! How am I gonna meet up with friends later if I can't even stay awake?????? -.- I BLAME CAFFEINE AFTER 3 PM!!!!!!

Y'all can go back to sleep now. More tomorrow... Er, later today. I thought this might help me sleep but it isn't so.....

-Katie

ECLIPSING BABY!!!!

:D

We is so awesum. We just finished New Moon!!! :D NOW ON TO THE AWESOMER MOVIES!!!! :D

If only my headache would go away...

-Katie

ONE MOVIE DOWN.

FOUR MORE TO GO!!!!

But New Moon is next. :( I AM AGAINST NEW MOON!! I accept it, but.... IT IS SO FORKING DEPRESSING!!!!! The only reason I was able to read that book was because I was in Bella's shoes when I read it. Sigh.

Oh! I think stuff is happening!

-Katie

BREAKING DAWN PART 2!!!!!!

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMFGGGGG!!!!!!!!

GUYS!!!! I AM GOING TO THE TWILIGHT MARATHON IN SOUTHLAKE!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D I am like, SO FREAKIN EXCITED because WE ARE GONNA BE THERE FOR THE PREMIERE OF THE FINAL MOVIE!!!!!!!

So yeah I am freaking out!!!! I will update periodically today on this blog and my twitter (@Cupcakrusher17 ) so feel free to check in often!!! :D

And now I am going to fangirl about this song. :D

-Katie

FEMALE PAINS!! Slightly triggering and boys beware

UGHH!!!!!!!!!!

I am going to complain today about female pains today, so if you don't want to read it (either because you are a dude or some other reason) click here for a different blog that will be just as awesome: http://blessingind.blogspot.com/2012/09/happy-post.html

For those who are reading this paragraph, CONGRATULATIONS!!! Ugh, I am SOOOOO fed up with my period. I know it is a good thing and it will eventually be helpful when I get married and want to have kids, but until then, ALL IT DOES IS MAKE ME BLOATED/FAT HAVE CRAVINGS AND MAKE ME BREAK OUT LIKE CRAZY!!!!

Why I am I complaining about this after I have been gone for like, ever? Well, long story short I relapsed again. :( I'm not proud of it, and I am mad that my mom found out, but then again she needed to know. But she found out the hard way (IE, I had foundation on my arm that was too dark and she noticed it. -.- ). And as a result I got grounded from the internet and my phone. But then I got it back, so.... Yay? :/ Oh well, I CAN BLOG AGAIN!!!!!!!! :D

That was the weirdest paragraph I think I have ever written. O,o Oh well. :P IN MORE ENJOYABLE NEWS: I get to go hang out with my friends on Friday night! :D:D:D:D Well, my writer friends anyways. We are gonna meet up at where I work and do stuff. IT WILL BE SO AWESOME!!!!!! :D

And I went camping! :O I will make a different post about that, since this one is getting really long. Anyways, that about catches y'all up!

TO THE CAMPING POST! :D

-Katie

PS: THIS BLOG HAS REACHED OVER 1150 PAGEVIEWS IN MY ABSENCE!!!!!!! :'D:'D:'D:'D:'D:'D

Things I have learned in the past 24 hours...

I learned a LOOOOT of things in the past 24 hours.

Let's review them all. IN LIST-FLASHBACK FORM!!!!!! :D:D:D:D

1: I LOVE CAVATAPPI PASTA!!!!!!!!!! Enough said.

2: I MUST LEARN HOW TO MAKE A MAC-N-CHEESE PIZZA. We went to Cici's pizza yesterday, and I tried mac-n-cheese pizza. IT WAS THE BEST THING MY MOUTH HAS EVER EXPERIENCED!!!!!!!! It was all cheesy and gooey and it had pasta on it and I just made myself extremely hungry. :P

3: I am about one more misplacement of my phone from having my parents taking it from me. Let's flashback: I was at the pizza place yesterday and we were leaving, but I left my phone on the table. Well, some idiot hispanics took it and tried to steal it. But A: it had a passcode on it and it was locked, and B: I had installed "Where's my iPhone?" on my phone, which would have let me locate it from this computer I am on. EVERYONE GO DOWNLOAD THAT APP BECAUSE IT IS AMAZING AND WILL HELP IF YOU EVER LOSE YOUR IPHONE!!!!!!!!!!! But anyways, my mom kept calling it, and finally some dude picked up, and my mom was like, "She'll come in the restaurant to get it." And the dude was already super far away. So we went to home depot, and they AGAIN tried to ditch me, but we found them and they gave it back to me. And then the B*tch of a mom, as we turned to leave, muttered under her breath, "What, no reward??" Um, no offense, but those parents are psychos. The girls were sweet and wanted to give it back to me, but those parents are crazy.

4: My brother playing soccer is the best thing that could have ever happened to him. He has become so much more social because of it. :') Just makes me so proud....

And that is all! EVERYBODY HAS A BOWL CUT AND YOU LOOK- Sorry, quoting this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLuXeRe6lWE&feature=g-user-u  X3

-Katie

I AM A HUNGRY HAPPY PART-TIME-PLATYPUS!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D

Like the title says!!!!!!!!

I HAVE 22 FREAKIN PAGEVIEWS AND IT ISN'T EVEN 10 AM WHERE I'M AT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D THAT IS FREAKIN AMAZING YOU GUYS!!!!!!!!!

I never once thought that when I started this blog 22 PEOPLE would look at it IN ONE DAY!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D Let alone that it would reach 1000 pageviews all-time. :D:D:D:D:D:D I know that I've had my ups and downs, but to those who have stuck around through them thank you. YOU are the people who mean the world to me. All of y'all are, but those who have stayed by my side and read this blog since the day it started..... Y'all are kind of amazing.

IN OTHER NEWS: I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOO hungry!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :P My dad is gonna take me to starbucks later. Oh, I didn't tell you? IT IS 30-SOMETHING DEGREES HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :O Yeah, I'm cold. At least my room is heated. Remember the freak blizzard in Dallas last year? Well, last time I was in a converted garage, and it wasn't insulated properly, so My room was literally as cold inside as it was outside. So therefore I had to sleep in my little brother's room. -.- At least until we got the space heater.....

FOOD TIME BYE!!!!!!!!!

AND THANKS AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

-Katie

REEEEED AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

I GOT THE NEW TAYLOR SWIFT CD!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D

OMG I am SOOOOOOOOOO excited!!!! Now I have new music that i can listen to in November!! :D Speaking of which, I am nowhere NEAR ready for Novelling OR Halloween. I'm trying to fix that, but I am kind of stuck baby-sitting right now, so I can't exactly do much....

Oh well. THIS SONG IS AMAZING!!!!!!!!! :D
-Katie

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH MYYYYYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OMFG GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS BLOG HAS REACHED OVER 1000 VIEWS SINCE IT STARTED!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D I cannot even BEGIN to tell y'all how much that means!!!!!!!!! And it isn't just USA pageviews either! I have views from Russia, Germany, and NIGERIA!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D

This seriously means so much!!!!!!! So we are going to have a virtual cupcake party tomorrow!!!! :D I will make cupcakes and post pictures!!! Is that as lame as it sounds? :/ Well, how do y'all wanna celebrate? LEAVE COMMENTS AND I WILL PICK THE BEST OR ALL OF THEM DEPENDING ON HOW MANY I GET!!!!!!!!! :D

In other news, I am not allowed to talk about work any more on here. :( Oh well. I am going out with the family later to get some fro-yo to celebrate!!! :D

Speaking of which, I GTG.

BUY GUISE AND THANKS A BUNCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

-Katie 

Where oh where has the blogger gone? :P

I'M WRITE HERE!!! xD Get it???

:P I know that was a horrible joke. And I AM DEEPLY SORRY FOR MY LACK OF POSTS LATELY!!!! But this is good prep for y'all for NaNoWriMo. Oh, I never told y'all? I'm going to write a novel in a month!!! :D This is my first year, and I am REALLY excited! 

IN OTHER NEWS: My Blessing had surgery yesterday and it went really really well. It was on his teeth and they were able to save the majority of them.the majority meaning he only lost THREE!!!! :'D He is back home now and being his usual self.

So yeah, there's one reason why I haven't been posting. The OTHER reason is I have..............really weird people looking at my blog. I have no idea WHY but they BETTER GET OUT OF HERE!!!!!! And the sad part is that THAT IS WHERE MOST OF MY VIEWS ARE COMING FROM!!!! :'( Am I doing something wrong here?????

Sigh. Oh well. Just thought I'd fill y'all in real quick. Now back to NaNo prepping....

-Katie

Awesome homecoming!

Okay I am SOOO hot right now. :P

So yeah, I'm waiting for my mom to pick me up. But I had SOO much fun! :) even with the whole awkward-ex-best-frenemie situation....

Well, we danced. Boys danced with us, we danced by ourselves, we danced with each other.... It was pretty epic. :)

BUT I AM GOING TO PAY DEARLY FOR THIS TOMORROW AT WORK. -.-

Oh well, it was worth it. :) oh, my dress? You'll see that soon enough. ;D

-Katie

WHY DOES MY LEG HURT SO MUCH???????????

SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!!

This is not going to go over well with DANCING tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -__________________- I DON'T LIKE THIS PAIN IN MY LEG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh. In other news, I left my nametag at work, I WANT TO GO SHOPPING, and I think I made my friend mad by panicking..... I'm such a loser.

I ALWAYS SAY THE WRONG THING AT THE WRONG TIME!!!!!!!!!!! I am TRYING to adopt Taylor Swift's ideas. I try to be fearless and jump even when I'm scared, I try to speak now, BUT I FAIL EPICALLY AND I GET VERY MAD AT MYSELF WHEN I DO. -.- But yet I hate the thought of becoming the timid, shy, inside herself person I was before again. So.....

Yeah. This blog sucks, and I apologize for that.

-Katie

iTunes is so stupid sometimes.

It really is.

IN OTHER NEWS: I GOT 29 PAGEVIEWS YESTERDAY AND HAVE 15 TODAY!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D But I am not sure how I feel about where they're coming from.... :/ Oh well. At least people are reading this thing. :D

I just wish I had more TEENAGE readers. Y'all wouldn't mind sharing this with your young friends, would you? 

Sigh. The whole reason I started this blog was to apply for a scholarship for college in a few years. I wanted to write about what REALLY goes on when a family has an autistic child. But..... most of it is too violent and/or personal to write in here, so it's become my diary, and y'all are sort of my confidants. You've listened when no one else has. You've stood by me when no one else would. You've kept me going. This blog has saved my life twice. And I can't tell you how much it means to have people reading it. :')

Okay enough emotional stuff. I HAVE SOME WEIRDO-STALKER-PERSON CREEPING ON MY TWITTER. O_O I blocked him though, but it was creepy. 

WHY ARE MY GLASSES SMUDGY!?!?!?! -_______- Im'a go fix that, so....

buy guise! :D
-Katie

Why does my foot hurt???

LIKE SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!

I have a massive Cut-blister thing on one foot, my other foot hurts for no good reason, and I am about you be on them both for at lease six hours. -___-

Well, at least I have had caffeine and oatmeal....

Bleh.

-Katie

Why does my foot hurt???

LIKE SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!!!!

I have a massive Cut-blister-thing on one foot, my other foot hurts for no good reason, and I am about you be on them both for at lease six hours. -___-

Well, at least I have had caffeine and oatmeal....

Bleh.

-Katie

Blah.

I have to be at work in five minutes.

I wish I had something happy to write about but I don't really. My brother was a pain last night, I am on the verge of a relapse home is so stressful, and work isn't that great either, seeing as I work all mornings this week....

That killed two minutes. OH!!!! I found a dress for homecoming!!!!!! :D I'll share pictures later. It is SOOO beautimus!! :P

I should probably get going...

BAI GUISE!!!! :)
-Katie

F--- Society.

Like seriously.

I went to a mall yesterday to look for a homecoming dress, and it was like, full of stores for people with money, AND NOTHING EITHER APPEALED TO ME OR FIT. -___________- All the dresses were for the tall blonde b*tch, not the sweet, curvy brunette that I am.

I FREAKIN HATE THAT SOCIETY ONLY THINKS THE TALL BLONDE B*TCH IS THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN BE BEAUTIFUL!!!!!! :( Like seriously, Curvy girls like to feel pretty and go to dances and wear nice stuff too!!!!!!! >:( It just pisses me off. So we are going to try again today before I have to go to work at the mall closer to my house, and maybe Kohl's too. If we can figure out the dress situation for homecoming, I'm gonna be more willing to go. If not..... I don't think I'll go.

And I may not even have the day off either. I went to work yesterday to try and secure that, but the person in charge of making the schedule had already done it, so I just have to pray I don't work Saturday.

IN MORE HAPPY NEWS: Big Time Rush was HILARIOUS last night! :D Even though I just watched it this morning, I still loved it. AND OMG WHAT WAS KENDALL THINKING WHEN HE CALLED JO LUCY?????? :O Sooo.....

BAI GUISE! :D
-Katie

#WeLoveYouCarlos !!!!!

Yep, this is a Rusher kind of post.

HATERS, KNOW THAT I WILL BLOCK AND REPORT YOUR HAPPY ASS IF YOU MAKE ME MAD, OKAY???'

Okay, so last night, Carlos was on twitter, tweeted his opinion, AND EVERYONE ATTACKED HIM WITH HATE. -_______________________________- I WILL NOT TAKE THIS SITTING DOWN, ESPECIALLY SINCE HE IS TALKING ABOUT A TWITTER AND INSTAGRAM BREAK. We ALL KNOW that boy is addicted to instagram, so he must really be upset if he is talking about giving that up for a while.

SO HERE IS THE PLAN WE HAVE COME UP WITH ON TWITTER: First off, GET YO'SELF A TWITTER IF YOU DON'T ALREADY HAVE ONE AND THEN FOLLOW CARLOS. Second, help us trend #WeLoveYouCarlos BUT PLEASE BE GENUINE WITH IT OKAY????? Second, "spam" his account with anything and everything positive, okay? :) You will make my day if you do!!!! Oh, and if you get hate for it, LET ME KNOW AND I WILL HAPPILY BACK YOU UP AND REPORT THEIR HAPPY BUTTS. 

IN OTHER NEWS: I AM GOING DRESS SHOPPING TODAY!!!!!!! :D Pictures to come!! So......

BAI GUISE AND THANKS A BUNDLE!!!!!!! :D:D:D

-Katie

REEEEEEED! :D

Yes, I just got the new Taylor Swift song off of iTunes. :D

Losing was blue! Missin him was dark Gray! Loving him was RED! Yeah, I shouldn't be doing that.... Oh well! :D

I work tomorrow. -.- I am still so nervous. But I kind of have a plan. But I NEED MY BODY TO COOPERATE!!!! DO YOU HEAR THAT BODY??!?!?! Oh my god I am losing my mind. O.O Yep, this is Joe. Or is it Jake? Hmm....

Reeeeeeeeed! :D This song is soooo a description of my relationship with a certain band loser who CHOSE A BLONDE B**** OVER ME!!!!!!!!!!! -_________________- Oh well, I have..... boys who want to spend time with me now. :D

Speaking of which, I AM GOING DRESS SHOPPING ON FRIDAY FOR HOMECOMING!!!!!! :D:D:D:D I will post pictures on my twitter asking what everyone thinks. Soo make sure you're following me!  @Cupcakerusher17 Ok? :)

And.... as for my depression, my friend really really cares about me. He cared enough to yell via email at me and ask my mom for help. I've never had someone except my ex-BFF. So.... thank you unnamed friend. :)

And this post is so helter-skelter that I can barely tag it. DANCE PARTY TIME! :D

-Katie

bleh.

Yesterday could have been a lot better.

But then again I guess it could have been a lot worse too. :/ Oh well. There's nothing I can do except move on really......

In other news, I talked to an old friend last night. :) She really listened and helped. And then she told me about her escapades with a guy..... It was bizarre. :P And my other friend STILL WON'T EMAIL ME!!!!!!!!!!!! :( I'm getting worried. But then again he's homeschooled too, so he's probably doing school. And I'm probably being over sensitive. Sigh.

This show is lame, my jeans need washed, and I have math I need to do, so....

BAI GUISE!!!! :D

-Katie

No relapse. :) BUT THIS POST WILL STILL BE TRIGGERING

Seriously, SESAME STREET IS SO LAME ANYMORE.

Anyways, I didn't relapse last night. I almost did, but instead I wrote "Love is Louder" on my arm. Those three words mean so much to me. :')

So yeah, I have Girl Scouts today. I am both excited and nervous. Again, the whole ex-best-friend issue. Sigh. What am I going to do about that mess? I want my knife just thinking about that whole mess. but somehow I'll get through it. I'm too stubborn not to try. But.... I just....

JKLDASfjK;LDSGJKLFGJKDFL;G Someone help me.

-Katie

frustration. THIS POST IS TRIGGERING.

I just want to cut.

SO. FUCKING. BAD. No one sees me here. No one wants me. no one listens. all I am is a waste of space. no one cares. No one at all. All I do is alienate people I love and care about. No one loves me. Why do I even bother living on this fucking planet?

Oh yeah, for all the people who "care." I bet I can find my nametag...... Am I really writing this? Am I really thinking these thoughts? Why do I even care? I shouldn't care but I do. Fuck it all.

I'm probably gonna relapse today, so please don't hate me for it. But I doubt anyone is even reading this sentence....

fuck life.
-Katie

Lawl!!!!

I am watching "Married to Jonas" and it is HILARIOUS!!!! xD

Kevin decided to take the Delesea's camping. Mrs. Delesea is NOT happy. :P I haven't been hardcore camping, but it can't be as bad as they're making it out to be. But then again maybe it is. Idk.

IN OTHER NEWS: I am still very writer's blocked. -_____________________- I DO NOT LIKE IT SAM I AM!!!!!!!!!!! WON'T YOU PLEASE UNBLOCK MY CREATIVITY??????? Wait, WHY did I just say that???? o_O

This is what happens when I get up before eight in the morning.....

-Katie

Emotions! :O TRIGGER WARNING.

Ugh, someone is torturing our poor bird.

IE, my blessing. -_________________- Why does this not surprise me? Anyways, yesterday was...... emotional to say the least. I really put myself out there, TRIED to save someone, and.... I think I actually made a new friend. :) AND I got covergirl put back on my arm! :D

Yeah, I don't like looking at my scars, so I usually put something meaningful over them. It helps in two ways. ONE: It helps remind me to stay strong. TWO: I always feel that if I hurt myself on that arm and destroy those words that I am hurting the person who said them. :) And I am TWO WEEKS STRONG BABY! :D

This really isn't helping with the whole "remove self harm from my blog so my best friend will be my friend again." But you know what? Maybe........ Maybe censorship isn't worth it. That's what PUT ME in the position I was in, because I was forced to keep it all inside until it just got to a self-destructive point. So maybe it isn't worth it. :/ I always think my best when talking to y'all.

So yeah, this was a deep post. Not sure how I feel about it, but I'll wait and see what the response is.

BAI GUISE! :D

-Katie

PS: WATCH CUPCAKE WARS TONIGHT ESPECIALLY IF YOUS IS A RUSHER! :D:D:D:D:D

I'm okay!

Sort of. :P

Long story short I pulled a muscle doing ab work in dance class on Wednesday. -________- IT HURTS SO FREAKIN MUCH!!!!!!!!!! But other than that (And certain parts of my body spasming....) I WILL SURVIVE! I WILL SURVIVE! OH AS LONG AS I KNOW HOW TO LOVE I KNOW I'LL STAY- Oh, wrong place. xD

IN OTHER NEWS: I am maybe asking a guy to homecoming tomorrow. 8O Yeah. I am beyond nervous right now. And I am also really sleepy, so goodnight! :)

-Katie

100 posts and counting! :)

Yes, I'm okay.

Turns out there was nothing wrong that the doctor's could find. -____________- But I hurt, and I still can't hardly........... nevermind.

In other news, THIS IS MY 100TH PUBLISHED POST! :D:D:D:D:D TWO major milestones for this blog in ONE WEEK! :O I must be doing something really write here. Get it? ;P

Well, I guess that's it for right now. Until next time!

-Katie

ugh.

It's 5:07 AM.

Why am I up at five in the morning? I'm scared. why am I scared? Because I have to go to the ER after my brother goes to school. Why do I have to go to the ER? .................To be perfectly blunt, I can't frickin pee. Why?

Who the hell knows?!?!?! All I know is I'm scared out of my mind. But..... all I can do is hope for the best. IN OTHER NEWS: I have the biggest craving for eggs. O.o No joke. Eggs, Bacon, and a cinnamon roll with bacon on the side. Maybe I can convince my mom to go by work on the way to the ER? It is kinda on the way......

Idk. Also, this is post 98 or 99!!!! :O So first I reach eight hundred views and then I am almost at 100 published posts??????? :D:D:D:D:D:D:D Well, THAT will certainly be amazing. Well, I guess I should probably write out my fears, but I'm not about to burden y'all with them. Y'all are too beautiful to burden with them. I just.... Idk. I also have a craving for hashbowns. O.O

I think I needs some IHOP......

-Katie

OMGOMGOMGOMGOMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D

NO FUCKING WAY!!!!!

WE REACHED EIGHT HUNDRED VIEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :'D I CANNOT thank all of y'all enough for this!!!! We ARE going to have a party. Lucky for you I have cake class tomorrow, so we will have cake! :D Well, virtual cake. :P

Seriously, y'all are the best. Maybe you just started reading or you've been here from the start. I love y'all no matter what! :D But we're not gonna stop here! Leave suggestions in the comments for what I should write about in the future! Tell me what you want and I'll do my best to write about all of them! :D Next goal is 1,000! SPREAD THE WORD!

I love you! :*

-Katie

NO WAY!!!!

796 FREAKIN PAGEVIEWS???????????????????

Y'all are seriously the best readers. I was feeling a little overwhelmed at everything I am about to talk about, but now..... I FEELS GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!! :') Y'all seriously rock. When we get to 800 we are going to have a party of somesort, okay? Okay! :D

And now on to everything that is overwhelming me. Let's go into list format, shall we?

1: I think my mom may have made it kind of obvious to this other kid at work that I'm a cutter. Cuz like, Sunday I left my nametag where the servers pull everything together because I was feeling really really really stressed out. I did that so I DIDN'T cut, but somehow someone found it and it got put in the office. And then my mom had to ask my manager for it and then they kind of made a fuss about it a little bit and the other person was standing there and now I think he might know. :s THAT is both embarrassing and awkward at the same time.

2: Certain people seem to think that if I get the least bit stressed I will cut, which is COMPLETELY FALSE. I only feel the need to cut when I am EXTREMELY stressed out. Like when I work Sunday mornings or any morning with a certain manager. Or when there is major fighting going on. But NOT by having an arguement with my brother about his music!!!!! Sorry, that was just really annoying me.

3: I am going to try and convince my parents that I need my own apartment today. It won't be forever, and it will be more of a month to month thing. But...... After the uproar that happened last night....... Let's just say I was lucky I couldn't find anything sharp enough. Until my Blessing is more stable and there are less fights like the one last night..... I just think it's healthier for me if I have my own place so I can stay clean. I don't care if it's a rat hole at this point..... I just want to be free.

Yeah, that about sums it up. and now, since those three things are depressing sort of, let's trade off with three good things! :D

1: JENNETTE MCCURDY IS STILL FOLLOWING ME ON TWITTER!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D And speaking of twitter, I AM TWO FOLLOWERS AWAY FROM 100. :O @Cupcakerusher16

2: I had an AWESOME birthday! :D I had a mini party at writer's group, I got my hair done, my eyebrows are now in line, AND I got HOMEMADE and HEALTHY Mac and cheese AND I got to watch BIG TIME RUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

3: I HAVE TURNED MY LITTLEST BROTHER INTO A RUSHER!!!!!!!!!!! :'D I am so proud of myself.

And that's all I got for today! Sorry this post is so long, just needed to vent.

Love y'all!

-Katie

IS MA BIRFDAY!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D

To be official, I was born at exactly five o'clock in the afternoon.

I gave my mom hell in the delivery room too. :P So yeah, I'M SEVENTEEN!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D And I already watched the Ustream again. :P click here if you have no idea what I am talking about: http://blessingind.blogspot.com/2012/08/omozdfnglkxfdnhlmxdgnhlkvc.html

IN OTHER MORE IMPORTANT NEWS: BIG TIME DECISION IS TONIGHT!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D That is the name of the new episode of Big Time Rush. everyone has been FREAKING OUT on twitter about it all week! And everyone is like, favorite for Jo and Kendall or  retweet for Lucy and Kendall. And I am always the weirdo who does both. :P But it's gotten quite heated....

AND ONE OF MY FAVORITE SONGS OFF OF ELEVATE (Their CD) IS GOING TO BE IN THE EPISODE AND WE ARE ALL FANGIRLING ABOUT THAT TOO!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D Yeah, tonight shall be epic. :)

And then I have writer's group today, so that will be super amazing too! It will be like a mini-party! :D And then my aunt booked a hair appointment for me at this fancy salon. :O I am REALLY looking forward to that too. :D I have no doubts that today will be just as amazing as my sweet sixteen. :) And this year My Blessing WON'T be going into the hospital three days later. :D

IN OTHER MORE BIZARRE NEWS: I dreamed I met up with one of my twitter followers in eral life, got put in a hunger games situation turned avatar the last air bender with a guy at work, and then ended up in a situation with one of...... the TV shows from my childhood. And that is all I have to say on the matter.

IM'MA GO TYPE UP A SECOND DRAFT NOW SINCE MY COMPUTER BE BUSTED SO BAI!!!! :D

-Katie

I CAN'T SLEEP!!!! :D

Why am I so excited about that?

....................I have no idea! :D But she has no idea, no idea... Sorry. :P I CANNOT WAIT FOR BIG TIME DECISION TONIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :O

I'm kind of more excited for that than my own birthday to be perfectly honest. :P I'm hungry........

BAI! :D
-Katie

Trying.

My brother is downstairs raging.

In case you don't know, raging means he gets mad, loud, and possibly violent. This one is almost as bad as the one the other day.

This just fucking sucks. When my blessing does this it makes it so hard to not cut. Not that I have anything to use, but if I really wanted to, I could probably find something. But that would make things even harder around here.

Idk, just trying to keep going on....
Katie

Blah.

I hate when I have freaky dreams.

Sigh. And now I have to divulge them all to you because A: I don't want them to come true and B: you are probably curious by now. Sigh.

Dream numero uno: So.... It's kind of a mix of things. It started out as toy story three, and Lotso was like, trying to keep everyone in line. and then there was the whole Barbie and Ken thing going on, but Ken looked like James Maslow. O_O Yes, it is as weird as it sounds. And worst of all, he was cheating on Barbie (Me) with another doll. O.o And then I ended up naked, with A SWEET GUY FROM WORK ON THE COUCH IN FULL VIEW OF MY NAKEDNESS and I dove behind a couch with one of my choir directors behind there, pregnant (SHE IS NOT!!!) giving me advice. I then somehow ended up in the bathroom posting on some forum about peeing myself. (?????????)

Dream 2: I don't quite remember how the above transitioned into this- Oh yeah! I was being forced to work at some creepy halloween chuckie cheese type thing and it Ended up as as Jonas Brother's concert! :D I was in the front row, and Nick ran off, and ended up on the side, with a bag of pretzel sticks and a juice box because his blood sugar was low. I walked over to him and he was like, all hesitant to admit it, and then the stage caught fire. :O So like, everyone was being cleared, and I somehow ended up outside of the arena with the Jonas'. At least with Joe. we somehow ended up on tour together, and they were trying to figure out what started the fire. They thought they had it fixed, but it wasn't and it caught fire again. At this point they figured out it wasn't what they thought it was, but actually a blue sparkly shirt. the material was causing the fire when the pyro went off. And then I somehow ended up at a therapist with Mrs. Jonas (Again, ????????) and somehow me and Nick got seperated and I ended up in a weird place and my dog was having puppies, and....... Yeah, you get the picture.

The point is, IF I DID NOT TELL SOMEONE THAN THERE WOULD BE A FIRE AT THE JONAS BROTHERS SHOW IN NY!!!!!!!!!!!!! So...... That's all I gots! :)

-Katie

Oh dear!

MY JOB HAS TURNED ME INTO A MORNING PERSON!!!!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I am NOT supposed to be a morning person!!! >:( wait, I've always been a morning person, especially when I was younger. :/ I AM VERY CONFUSED AND HYPER RIGHT NOW!!!

Well, that's probably the espresso and excitement talking. One of the many beauties of homeschooling is that I can go baby sit my adorable little cousin at eight in the morning! :D

She's a doll. And she's all mine this morning!! :) and now to enjoy my latte!

Peas out yo! :P
-Katie

Relapse.

It happens.

I'm not gonna say what I used A: because I don't want to give anyone ELSE ideas and B: this is already going to be used against me.

I was almost two weeks out.... Why? So much shit has gone down. Again, no details. But if it was bad enough for a relapse, that should give you a pretty good clue as to how bad it was. I don't care if a guy likes me. I'm probably just imagining things anyways.

I can't do anything right. My boss is always pissed at me, and I never make him happy. Wonder what he would say if he saw these marks on my arms....

I am so tempted to find out.
-Katie

augh!!!!

My anxiety is making me paranoid again...

So I had this dream last night that....... well to be perfectly blunt, I dreamed that I was all shaky and tired like I am now and then I kept peeing my pants. And I had no control over it! D: You SEE why I is freaking out now!?!?!?!?!

And it wasn't at home either! No, why would my subconscious be nice enough to let me be at HOME??? I was at work when all of this was happening!!!! AND THERE WAS A SWEET, CUTE BOY THERE TOO. X__X And IT KEPT HAPPENING OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN FRONT OF PEOPLE!!!!! AND I WAS WEARING WHAT I HAVE ON NOW!!!!!!!!!!! Can things GET any more panic-worthy?????

Sigh. I guess there isn't much I can do really. Whatever's gonna happen is gonna happen. On a different, less irritating note, my mom's best friend (Hi Ms. Kristy! :) and my.... best friend's mom and my mom are reading this blog on a semi-regular basis. O.o Not that I find it weird, just...... interesting I appeal more to adults than teens. Sigh. Guess I'm not that great of a writer after all, huh?
Sorry if this post grossed/creeped you out. I'm just very superstitious and have to tell SOMEONE, otherwise it WILL come true for sure. And as much as you say that that isn't possible, IT HAPPENED LAST OCTOBER SO IT IS VERY LIKELY. Xp

-Katie

TIME TO FANGIRL!!!!! :D:D:D:D

SHE HAS NO IDEA, NO IDEA, I'M STANDING HERE, I'M STANDING HEEEEEEEEEEERRE!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

OMFG I LOVE NO IDEA. AND COVERGIRL. I JUST CANNOT PLAY THOSE TWO SONGS ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D

Sorry, I just........ I'm in the mood to fangirl! :D But unfortunately my twitter has been compromised supposedly. -______________- CURSE YOU HACKERS OF THE WORLD!!!!!!!!! Wow, THAT brings back memories...... And not real pleasant ones either........ Not the point.

Point is....... Well, I really don't have a point. :P SING IT GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D

Just listen to this and everything will make perfect sense. And if it doesn't, YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT SEXY IS!!!! Okay, this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_ejzHAQkPw

OMG IS THAT NOT AMAZING!?!?!?!?!?! xD

-Katie

ow.

I have a bump on my forehead.

I think it is a zit forming..... >_< Oh well. I had a really weird dream last night.... It involved work and a guy and...... some other stuff I'd rather not mention. Point is.... I feel the need to turn some of my dreams into stories. That give me an idea! :D

-Katie

I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAACK! :)

Feels good to finally post a smiley face.

Yeah, long story short my parents found out everything that has been going on, and took away social networking for the weekend. But then my mom let me back on ONLY to check on James because I told her he had food poisoning. :(( POOR JAMES!!!!!!!!!!! 

xD Anyways, things..... are gonna change around here. This blog...... My parents don't want me using it as a diary, but.... I don't know. Things are just REALLY gonna change around here. This blog, my life, my house.....

And I'm also fighting to keep my twitter. I AM FRIENDS WITH SO MANY COOL PEOPLE ON THERE. Some of them may even be reading this. So.... if you are, I LOVE YOU! xD In a totally non-creepy way though. :P But rest assured, I AM NOT GIVING UP MY TWITTER WITHOUT A FIGHT.

So.... Just bare with me as I get better. I may not always be happy, but I'll always be honest with you. I just.... this blog and every single person reading it mean so much to me. This is my FUTURE. RIGHT HERE. Even the doctor read this and said aside from the fact that I was flat-out cussing and talking about some very depressing things, that it was very well written. And that made me feel really good. Like I DO have a purpose. Like I AM worth fighting for. And right now, I am going through the final phases I guess of becoming a Rusher.

I mean, I guess I always WAS a rusher. I fangirled, I knew stuff, I stayed through stupid bitches starting drama..... But now in turn I'm finding relief in those boys. I am almost always either listening to "No Idea" or "Covergirl." Those boys...... I think they've kind of kept me fighting until this happened. And one day I want to hug them and tell them thank you. This is the second time they've saved me. And I just...... I told my mom last night that Kendall believes that every single girl out there is beautiful in some way. That, and he would probably kill me if he knew what had been happening. I don't think I would have blamed him either. But yeah. I AM A RUSHER AND I AIN'T CHANGIN FOR NO BODY! I GONNA ELEVATE!!!! xD But yeah. And so........

THE WRITTEN JOURNEY BEGINS AGAIN. :)
-Katie

fighting.

Still not sure why tho.

Or who I'm fighting for. But I am. I may go up and down a lot, but I'm fighting. And even when I'm cutting I'm fighting. I'm fighting to control the side of me that says I NEED to die. When I cut.... It helps me hold on to my sanity.

It just..... It's hard to explain. It just makes me slow down and focus on one thing. As unhealthy as that is, it keeps me held together for a few seconds. I just wish I had ONE FRIEND to tell everything to. One person to listen and fangirl and someone who accepts my fetish. I mean, I thought I had that, but I didn't. Whatever. Who fucking cares about any of this?

-Katie

meh.

Maybe I should kill myself, maybe I shouldn't.

I probably shouldn't, but no one would miss me. I know people like me, but........ I just don't get it.

all I do is mope around. I just... I have to keep reminding myself: I'M FEARLESS. Kendall Schmidt thinks I'm beautiful, James David Maslow noticed me TWICE (I will fangirl about that forever. ;) I camped out to meet Nick Jonas, and countless other more personal battles I've fought and won. But.... I had a friend through all that and now I don't.

And another thing: I have a feeling if my mom gets on twitter tonight, I am going to get HELL in the morning. I kinda tweeted about wanting to kill myself tonight, and I've been tweeting about cutting a lot lately.....

night.
-Katie

I can't fucking take this any more!!!

I JUST FUCKING CAN'T OKAY?!?!?!?!?!

I fucking hate that from the minute I walk in the door I am pushed farther and farther and you know what?! I CAN'T FUCKING GO ANY FARTHER!!!!!! I am GOING to cut myself tonight and I am GOING to bleed and I am GOING to enjoy it because nothing else is worth it. Nothing is worth fighting for. No one cares about me, no one is ever going to want me, and you know what? The world would just be better off without me!

-Katie

Mah.

This has just not been a good week.

I have my boss breathing down my neck, FML on my right arm, NO BEST FRIEND, A desire to lose massive amounts of blood as well as my life, and now I get to add that I am sick.

And- WTF? MY BLESSING IS HAVING ABDOMINAL PAINS AGAIN!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Seriously, I just want to die. FUCK. MY. LIFE. Where's my knife?!

....................Um, maybe I should finish this post first. Eh, it's not like I have anything else to share. I am a pathetic perverted loser, with no friends, no one who understands me, and nothing ever goes right anymore.

I'm coming for you knife.
-Katie

Still here.....

Barely though.

So I fucking hate my job. I fucking hate working so much and I fucking hate working mornings. I fucking hate that I have to get rid of my butterflies and I fucking hate that my boss is constantly breathing down my neck. I fucking hate that I am allowed to cut and have those marks but not my butterflies which are KEEPING me from cutting my other arm. I fucking hate getting yelled at all the time. I fucking hate always having to pretend I am happy when I'd rather just be cutting or dead. I fucking hate everything.

Yeah, I just wrote that. -_- Oh well. I seriously just wanted to cut myself so fucking bad in the middle of the lunch rush. If I was smart I would keep my little red bag up front. but of course i'm a fucking idiot and hide it in my purse which I keep in the office. FML.

-Katie

Can't fight yet can't die...

I just want to die.

I seriously wish I had the pain threshold to cut my arm until I bleed and pass out from blood loss. I wouldn't mind if I died.

But I know that would hurt so many people. But I'm all alone! M best friend and I aren't friends anymore and it's all my fault. I thought we would always be friends, but now....

If I can't trust the one thing I thought would always be there, then what's left? It's not like I'm little miss social butterfly here.

I just want the pain and suffering to stop! Or at the least slow down! Is it too much to ask for someone to be there and not reject me for who I am? Is that too fucking much to ask? I don't think it is, but apparently I am nothing more than a friendless pervert at the moment.

And another thing: I am keeping the FML on my arm.

-Katie

I'm not proud.

But.....

So much has happened. I'm not going to go into details, but..... Just never be ashamed to ask for help. Wether you talk to your parents or call a hotline, if you need help get it.

I wanted to kill myself today. So I called a hotline. It helped. It made me slow down and think before I did something I regretted. Well..... Something worse than carving FML into my arm anyways. Point is I'm low right now. I'm all alone and it doesn't look too good from where im at. But I'll come back. I've done it before and I can do it again.

IN OTHER NEWS: I think this dude at work might like me. xD seriously tho. He asked this other cashier to ask me if I was okay. She ratted him out tho. ;) and then we started to talk about dating.....

Yeah. So I am gonna get it tomorrow if the marks are still there. I wonder how my boss is gonna make me cover up my marks. :/ I'm not looking forward to tomorrow. Everyone is gonna see them and ask, "OMFG did you do that?!"

But at the same time I am not ashamed of my marks. They're battle scars I guess... Whatever.

Maybe they'll fade in the night....
-Katie

FML. WARNING: LOTS OF F-BOMBS AHEAD.

I want to utter so many profanities that your ears would bleed.

But I have more respect for you and myself than to do that. I f---ing hate my life. I hate digestive tract problems!!!!! I mean how f---ing hard is it?!?! You eat, you swallow, and then later you poop! How the f--- does the system get so f---ed up?

Wow, that was a lot of censored words. Who the f--- cares? My grandmother is going to the emergency room and it's all my brother's fault. She even said so. I want to cut myself SO FUCKING BAD right now. I'm trying to be strong, but....... just screw it all. FUCK MY LIFE.

I'm sorry to be so profane. I just..... I'm scared. And I hurt. This isn't the first time that this has happened. And the last time it happened it was on my birthday. And my grandmother lost a good portion of her colon. what if that happens again? What if..... What if she never comes home? I fucking hate my life. I fucking hate everything. And to be honest I don't see the point in staying strong any more. Everything is just too much right now and I just.... I have to cut. I'm sorry, but I do. I can't go one day without something happening, and I'm just fed up with it all.

screw my life.
-Katie

OMG OMG OMG OMG.

Breathe, breathe.....

I HAVE 19 PAGEVIEWS TODAY!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D But I think they may be mine. -_____- Well, I'M JUST GONNA PRETEND THEY'RE NOT CUZ THEY MAY NOT BE. :D:D

And if they ain't mine, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D Okay, I have nothing else to really post about. Just had to share. :P I'm hungry and my head hurts. :( Oh well. I'ma go get some food and then work on..... something. ;D

-Katie

Happy post. :)

This blog has been too depressing lately.

So let's make it happy! And how can we make it happy? WITH HOT BIG TIME RUSH VIDEOS!!!!!!! :D Wait.....

It's occurring to me that all I ever post about is either how my life sucks or Big Time Rush. eh, who cares? ON WITH THE HOTNESS! :D

Video 1: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wLHjV_BV_7Q&list=PL3EAA5883F9FFF9DF&index=1&feature=plpp_video

Video 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qiTAPRUqEwQ&feature=bf_next&list=PL3EAA5883F9FFF9DF

Video 3: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dh7z60l0NlM&feature=bf_next&list=PL3EAA5883F9FFF9DF

Video 4: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ApvEKJcgrY&feature=bf_next&list=PL3EAA5883F9FFF9DF

Is your brain melted yet? Nooo? Well, I HAVE THE PERFECT VIDEO FOR THAT!!!!!!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lol. Here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWO8FuRPvjk&feature=bf_next&list=PL3EAA5883F9FFF9DF

And now we are all in fangirl mode. :D

You're welcome.
-Katie

Why I look up to BTR: YOU MUST READ THIS IF YOU HAVE A HEART.

Okay, first, we need to have a back story.

Okay so a few weeks back on twitter there was this story about this little 8 year old girl who was dying of leukemia. They had done all they could, so her mom had brought her back home and brought hospice in and her dying wish was to meet Big Time Rush.

Well, they sent her a video message, and they were trying to rearrange their schedule so they could meet her. But she died before they could. Everyone was so sad, and then.... This happened last night: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pz0e9rQQW30&feature=g-user-f and then this happened: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5jbk42Apd9Q&feature=context-gch And then Logan cried backstage. THAT right there is why they are the most perfect people on this planet. I just....

It makes me feel so good. And not just because they noticed me, but because I think they really do care about every single fan they have. They may not know us all individually, but they know how much they mean to us, and therefore we mean that much to them. And.... Yeah. I just had to get that out there. Rest in peace little Warrior Princess. :')

-Katie

k.

Well, I am not the ONLY person in dance class who is rhythmically challenged....

Not that that is much of a win for today. -____- I am going to go grab some food and then go to bed. Maybe I will have something happy to post tomorrow.

-Katie

Oh my gosh.

Okay wow.

I AM EIGHT PAGEVIEWS FROM 500!!!!!!!!! :O And I have my first dance class tonight and I am REALLY nervous! Why am I nervous?

.........Eh, what the heck? I can't dance. I WANT to be able to dance, but I can't. I have no rhythm, no coordination, and gravity already hates me enough. I don't know why I am doing this other than for a PE credit. I'd RATHER spend tonight working on my story that I just got to a really interesting point in and be able to go to bed early since I once again have to be at work at EIGHT IN THE MORNING. =____= Why did I beg for hours again?

Oh that's right. I desperately need the money so I can have a car to live in a year from now. Yes, things are still bad with my parents. I think they are trying, but at the same time I don't think they are. They're going to think whatever they want to think about me. I just have to learn not to let it get to me and to be my own person and accept myself the way I am. Which brings me back to making plans so that I CAN be that person and be happy too.

I just.... I'm beginning to lose faith in myself. What if I am the person my parents think I am? What if I am just a sick pervert? But.... I can't afford to think that way. Not right now. I have to focus on school, my job, my future.... Oh my future....

THAT is what is killing me the most right now. That thanks to my damn computer and my lack of knowledge and being outed, my future and my goals and dreams are all gone. they vanished when my parents rejected me. And now I am going to have to fight for everything. I could go on and on but I have to go finish getting ready for dance class.

Until next time....
-Katie

Oh my God.

Guys. I'm not even kidding when I say this.

JENETTE FREAKIN MCCURDY IS FOLLOWING MY TWITTER!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D And you wanna know what my mom said to my dad? "Our daughter is getting a little too chummy with celebrities." :P

I AM FREAKING OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! First JAMES EFFIN MASLOW notices me and my bandana awesomeness at the concert in Dallas (CLICK HERE IF YOU DID NOT ALREADY KNOW THAT:http://www.blessingind.blogspot.com/2012/07/post-concert-hangover-and-concert.html PICTURES OF THAT GLORIUS DAY: http://www.blessingind.blogspot.com/2012/07/bandana-woman.html  ) Then BTR did the Macarena for me (AND JAMES WISHED ME A HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! Oh, and again, CLICK HERE IF YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THAT:  http://www.blessingind.blogspot.com/2012/08/omozdfnglkxfdnhlmxdgnhlkvc.html ) And now THIS?!?!?!?!

................I'm starting to think I have superpowers or something. xD BUT SERIOUSLY THO. BIG DEAL. And um, *Cough* follow me on twitter? :) @Cupcakerusher16

But before that, me and my best friend had a heart to heart. I won't go into details, but........ I needed that. :) Thank you best friend o' mine.

And now I am going to go write/stalk twitter until dinner is ready! :D

-Katie, the celebrity charmer

PS: Like the new name? :P

SING IT JAMES!!!!

xD

Yeah, that IS my title. :D I think I am just a WEEE bit crazy. CARLOS! :D

.........yeah, I have nothing to pos about. I just want some oatmeal. :L

SERIOUSLY, WHY DOES CARLOS WANNA PARTY LIKE IT NINETYNINE????? O.o

-Katie

=__=

I HATE MORNINGS.

I have to get up at SEVEN IN THE MORNING. I have to be at work at EIGHT IN THE MORNING. I hate being up before ELEVEN IN THE MORNING. This is what I get for begging for hours....

And another thing: I am starting to wonder why I got that huge spike in views the other day. They were all on a certain post, where I mention self harming. And just so we are clear I am NOT FOR THAT. I have my reasons why I do it, but YOU SHOULD NEVER SELF HARM IN ANY WAY.

You are too beautiful. I'm not, but you are. And you are too special to hurt yourself like that. I know you may not believe me and think I have a double standard here, but just trust me okay? It isn't gonna make the PROBLEM go away, just the pain.

Wow, that took an emotional turn. but yeah. I thought I'd fill y'all in before I went to bed. And suddenly I smell eggs..... O.o

Night!
-Katie

Why me?

I mean seriously.

I am EXHAUSTED. And to think I have to work ALMOST 30 HOURS THIS WEEK. -________- I HAD to beg my boss for hours didn't I? Stupid stupid me.

Not that I am complaining. I mean I get paid for everything I do. Plus today I get the chance for tips. But Like..... I start school tomorrow.

Maybe I'll just like, do some of my school on break and am I MAD?!?!?!?! What the F--- am I thinking????? Oh, and I self harmed again last night.

I mean like, I'm not proud of it. But like, I got all tired and depressed all of a sudden. I didn't even feel like myself when I did it. I was all like, "Huh. I don't have my scars anymore. I need to fix that." And like, the second I raked my staple puller across my skin It bled because the scars WERE still there. I have no idea why I am sharing all of this. I doubt any of you actually care.

RANDOM DIALOGUE TIME: "I was working on it before you started sniffing my hair." :3 Yeah.........

I gotta go get ready for work. -______________-

-Katie

coverin my booty.

Just so you are not all freaking out......

Well, I doubt anyone has read my last two posts. But if you did..... I'm alright. I'm in a somewhat better place *knocks on wood* mentally, and I think I was just worn out.

And now my hand burns, so goodnight. :)
-Katie

No one cares.

And don't try to tell me that they do because they don't.

If my dad cared he would be down here watching a movie with me instead of upstairs playing with my brother. He even said he wanted to play that damn video game instead of watch a movie with me. And if my mom cared she would have been happier to see me.

No one cares. Well, maybe you do. but I doubt it. I honestly don't see the point in trying to fight these emotions any more. No cares. No one ever cared. If my parents cared they would have chosen me over religion. If they cared they wouldn't be holding the ever looming threat of therapy over my head. If they cared they would be waiting for me when I get off of work instead of making me wait thirty minutes to an hour after I get off. NO ONE IN MY LIFE CARES ABOUT ME.

I'll be back later, I'm gonna go cry.
-Katie

I just effing can't anymore.

I just can't pretend my world is all rainbows and unicorns anymore alright?

First tho, pull up this video and listen to it while you read this blog. DO NOT STOP LISTENING. EVEN IF THE VIDEO STOPS START IT AGAIN: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpcGpvuw2Bo

I just effing can't anymore. I can't take this any more. I am cutting again. And it just takes the pain away from what's really going on. And let's just stop and think for a minute here before you go down and leave a comment saying that I am an attention whore or something. I've been nice and vague, but I have told you that my parents and I are making war declarations with each other. Doesn't my sudden need to hurt myself again say something about how bad it really is and how deep it is? HMMM???????

I can't even go through one effing meal without them making out a comment. And sometimes it isn't the big obvious ones that cut the deepest; Sometimes it's the little ones that leave the biggest scars. Example: I am sexually different. NO I AM NOT GAY. I simply have a fetish. And everyone tells me that it is normal and healthy. But my mom has so many religious prejudices it sickens me. AND ALMOST ALL OF THEM ARE WRONG!!!! The people who she is biased against are really nice people who just made mistakes!!!!! But she sees them as the scum of the earth.

...........Wait, I am getting off topic. Basically my mom and dad were talking the other night at dinner and they said something about me needing a second flashdrive because "she didn't want any of my stories to accidentally end up being sent to my school grading people." That EFFING HURTS MOM. She thinks I'm a slut. I swear she does.

Anyways, back to the other rant. I'm realizing my mom was wrong about a lot of things. And that she's wrong about me and my differences too. She's being as judging as her mom. I SWEAR I WILL KILL MYSELF IF I AM EVER AS JUDGING AND BIASED AS HER WITH MY OWN KIDS.

A GOOD CRY AND TEN MINUTES LATER...........

I'm not going to kill myself. I just........... It hurts that my mom thinks of all these really nice people as the scum of the earth. And that she is choosing her religion over accepting her own daughter. Oh god here come the tears again. I mean me and my mom..... we were so close at one point. But ever since I came out to her she has done nothing but judge and reject me. That brings me back to cutting. I am hurting myself again. I have a special little bag that I keep my staple puller in and some band-aids. I haven't used it since last Thursday. But I did again tonight. But I am just DONE.

It's taken me seventeen years to figure out that my mom is wrong. I have been so blinded by what she has said. It took a sweet, lovely pregnant woman who was starting the early stages of labor to make me realize how wrong and judgemental and biased and horrible my mom is. Thank you Mayra. I owe you my life. You may never read this, but you should know how big of an impact you have made in my life.

I have a to-do list and a plan for my future, and the very second I can I'm OUT of this hell hole. It's only one more year and a car away. I have a job. I have some assemblance of a plan. And this blog may very well be a part of it. Or I may just start a different one. I don't know why I did all of this. But it just......... It felt like it was time for it all to come out of me. Thank you for listening. And I'm sorry if I have sucked the life out of you. But this has been inside of me for months and it just had to come out sometime.

-Katie

MY BROTHER WILL NOT GO TO SLEEP!!!!!!!!

AND I CAN'T GO WATCH THE HUNGER GAMES UNTIL HE DOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-_____________________- Okay long story short my OTHER brother is back in the hospital. You would THINK I wouldn't be so freaked out since this has happened like, what? 11 times? Idk. But each time I still get freaked out!!!!!

And this time I have a whole NEW set of worries that I have to deal with as well, because apparently his button isn't working because my blessing won't do his damn flushes!!!!!!! -________- And suddenly we both have a craving for corn nuts?!?!?!?! O.o GO TO SLEEP CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry. :P So anyways, emotionally overwhelmed does not a happy worker make. Although it does make one very embarrassed when she has to keep hiding in the bathroom to pull herself together in front of the hot server so she just looks like she has to pee five times in one hour.......... -________- I FORKING HATE THAT THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED. So anyways...............

GO TO SLEEP PATRICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Almost there. ALMOSSSTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone help me.

-Katy the very annoyed blogmaster who is about to lose her freakin mind if her brother does not go to sleep in the next five seconds......

OMOZDFNGLK;XFDNHLMX;DGNHLKVC

GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay so yesterday I was watching a BTR ustream, and towards the end, THE DID THE MACARENA FOR ME CUZ THEY THOUGHT IT WAS MA BIRFDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:DD:D

Okay that was the really hyper version. BUT YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is all one hundred percent true!!!! Don't believe me? Click on this video and watch it all the way through OR just skip to about 21 minutes. I don't care either way. Video: http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/24888908

And um.................. Yeah. Afterwards my twitter was suddenly VERRRRRY popular (And for those of you not already following me, I'm @Cupcakerusher16 :) So.......... Yeah. BEST DAY EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D I CANNOT THANK BIG TIME RUSH ENOUGH FOR THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! It literally means the world to me. Even if they never read this, someone obviously read my tweet, otherwise the macarena would not have happened. So THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!! :D

And then we went out to dinner last night. We went to On The Border. It was fun. :) And then we came home and I found the video and showed it to my grandfather, WHO PRETENDED NOT TO CARE. -____- Oh well, I think he at least got that it was a big deal to me. I think..... And then I showed it to my parents. My dad was seriously impressed that I asked them to do it and the person read my tweet and asked them to do it for me. AND that JAMES FREAKIN MASLOW wished me a happy birthday. :D THIS IS TWICE NOW HE HAS NOTICED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D Yeah, Not much to share other than that, BUT I HAD TO TELL Y'ALL CUZ YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME AND STUFF!!!!!!!!! :)

And now I am going to go get ready for the day. BAI! :P
-Katy the totally spazzing out because that really did happen blogmaster

Been thinkin....

Scary thought.

But..... I can't stay away from this blog. It's the only creative outlet I have left that has been TOO censored.....

A lot is going on in my life right now. School is starting, my brother needs oral surgery, My mom's health isn't that great, we are still living with my grandparents....... And a lot of other things I can't even begin to mention. I'm relapsing in certain areas of my life and some days it takes all the strength I have to get out of bed, because I never know if today is going to be a good day, or a day I wish I had just stayed in my room all day.

But more to the point...... I have to make some really hard plans now. Things...... are complicated between me and my parents right now, and while things are seemingly fine at the moment, I don't trust it to last. That's sad isn't it? I can't even trust my parents any more. They're supposed to be the two people you can trust no matter what, and yet I don't have that. But what I do have is something called Big Time Rush disease.

I am a rusher, and sometimes that's the only thing that holds me together. I know it seems stupid to rely on four boys who sing and dance, but they're more than that to me. They sing me to sleep, they sing my pain away...... And I'm not the only one. That's what Rushers do: We fangirl about how much BTR has changed our lives and helped us through some hard times. And I'm really learning that right now. That, and a lot of other things.

So I'll try and post, but it probably won''t be super happy for a while. I just need a place where I can be open and not be judged, because as it stands right now I don't even have that. So....

Sorry for getting all emotional, just really needed to do that okay?

-Katy the surprisingly emotional blogmaster

The end or just a cliff hanger?

I'm not so sure I can keep up with this blog right now.

I know it has grown so much and I love every single person who reads/has read/will read this blog, but........ A lot is going on right now and I just need to deal with it without getting yelled at by my parents for complaining to the whole world about it all. So...... I'm going on a blog break until I can figure my whole life situation out right now.

Oh God, this song is going to make me cry. And now the heart ache....

Excuse me while I become an emotional mess.

Love until next time,
-Katy

I don't like where this is headed....

I just.....

I can't take this anymore. I am hurting SO MUCH. I feel like my parents think I'm a slut because I am just a little different. Why do I have to have THEIR version of sexuality? Why do I have to be what THEY want me to be? Why can't I be my own version of myself?

I just..... It hurts that they won't accept me like this. They want to change me, turn me into someone I'm not. I didn't CHOOSE to be this way! It just chose me! And I've tried to change! I HAVE! But I just can't. That's part of my self esteem issues are. That my parents think something is wrong with me for being this way. That's why I cut last year. It's why I tried to be anorexic. There were a lot of things that caused that, but my sexuality was one of them. And I'm back at that point.

I feel like I have no one to turn to, like no one gets it, that if I tell them that they'll shun me too. I just need SOMEONE, ANYONE to help me. Tell me that this DOES get better. Maybe that's the reason behind the sudden infatuation with Big Time Rush. Maybe it's the music that's keeping me from going off the deep end and trying to kill myself. Why I'm still holding on. Maybe just by my fingernails, but I'm hanging.

I also had a dream this morning that my Girl Scout leader found out. That she knew. And that she was going to tell my mom. and that I was in big trouble. I just........ I had to get my feelings out. I don't even know if this is why they're at church talking to the priest, but I'm scared to death that it is.

-Katy the blogmaster

WHY AUGUST 15TH IS LIKE THE BEST DAY EVAR!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D

Yeah, I'm gonna fangirl.

:P DEAL WITH IT OKAY!!!!!!! Sorry, I had some coffee and now I'm just teensy bit super hyper. X3 Anyways, Today....... CARLOS PENA FROM BIG TIME RUSH TURNS 23, JOE JONAS TURNS 23, AND IT IS ALSO MR. AND MRS. JONAS' WEDDING ANNIVERSARY AND THE FEAST OF THE ASSUMPTION OF THE BLESSED VIRGIN MARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :O I know, that is a LOT of awesome sauce to be poured on one day. :L

OH!!!!!!!!! I FOUND MY BTR NECKLACE LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D I lost it the night of the concert in Dallas, and I was like so sad, but I knew it was in the car, and so we were cleaning up the car yesterday and I FOUND IT!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D I have it on right now and I will post pictures of it later, but I AM NEVER EVER EVER TAKING THIS THING OF EVAR!!!!!!!! :P 

And another thing: GO LISTEN TO TAYLOR SWIFT'S NEW SONG "WE ARE NEVER EVER GETTING BACK TOGETHER" OKAY????????? It is soooo awesome, and I have my guesses as to who it might be about. But they are all probably wrong, but who cares? :P

And we are going to have to fangirl again in five days, because....... DEMI LOVATO'S BIRTHDAY IS IN FIVE DAYS!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D ALSO..........

Wear purple and show your rusher pride, okay? :)

-Katy the hyperspastic blogmaster! :L